I tricked myself into posting

All I wanted to do today was write. But this blog doesn't really hold the appeal it once did. I don't feel like I am really communicating with anyone here. And at the same time, I am not 100% comfortable making it my personal journal. So it's been in limbo, and I still don't quite know what to do with it. I like knowing it's here. I like knowing that there's somewhere I can write the things I don't quite know how to say, or the things I don't have the courage to say. I just haven't felt like taking advantage of it recently. So for those that still check here, I apologize. It won't always be this way. I will have things to say again, of course. It could start right up again tomorrow. Or even right now, if I decided I had more to share.

There's an odd assortment of things in my head right now. I'm used to it, I suppose, but I'm not sure what to let out, what to embrace internally, or what to suppress (both from myself and others), especially as far as this blog is concerned.

Here's a quick update about what's been going on since my last post:

I turned in my final writing assignment for legal writing. It will also be my writing sample for moot court, journal, and job applications, so it's sort of important. I'm not thrilled with it, but I'm not disappointed either.

I won that doubles tournament I was talking about. I played one on two for most of it. My partner hit the ball four times in the entire finals match. So that was pretty fun. State singles is coming up soon. People around here take that pretty seriously.

I hurt my back last Saturday and it's still sore. I don't know whether I pulled something or if it's just normal stuff. It doesn't prevent me from doing anything I really want to do, but is a constant reminder that I better really want to do whatever it is I'm thinking about.

My neighbor has become more avid about his guitar playing. I am less thrilled about that than he is.

I played in a Magic tournament. I got my entry fee back, but didn't do that well. I think I can make the appropriate adjustments. In the meantime, Magic for free is generally a good thing in my book.

I have become intrigued by boxing/kickboxing/mma stuff. I've been reading about it and watching videos on technique on and off for a while now. I am wondering about taking some sort of class, but also know I have better uses for my time.

Intramural frisbee has started for the spring season. We won our first game via behind the back passes, no-look scoobers (and hammers), and copious blades. Which is to say, I had a fun time.

I am attending a prom tomorrow. For the fourth time in my life, actually. I should warn Ian that every previous time I have attended a prom, I have wound up in a relationship that spans multiple years. (We are going as sober volunteers. We have the last shift.)

I am still lonely. I wonder if I was lonely before and didn't know it, or if I'm just projecting an emotion that I feel I should be experiencing.

I biked to school in a suit through a blizzard yesterday for a client counseling simulation. That was even less fun than it sounds.

Ah screw it. Let's make this a real post.

A person I knew from the Magic shop in Ames just published a book online. I read the excerpt. It is awful. I don't know what people's standards are these days, but certainly I could meet them. At least, that's what I'll keep telling myself. While not actually trying to get published, of course.

Speaking of contradictions, I am becoming more and more aware of mine with each passing day. Talking with Ian after the Magic tournament really brought out a few things. We were talking about duties to oneself and society. I posited (to the surprise of exactly no one) that we had a duty to ourselves before any duty to the rest of mankind. That makes sense to me on both a personal scale, and also when taken in context with evolution/natural selection. Of course we are built to try and survive no matter what. He asked me about how many lives would have to hang in the balance before I believed it would be irresponsible not to sacrifice myself. I said there was no number. But at the same time, I've also decided internally that there are people in this world I would die for. So while I don't believe that there is a "real" responsibility as far as altruism is concerned, I hold myself to a higher standard.

This got me thinking, and it holds true pretty much across the board. I don't care that my friends drink. I hold myself to a higher standard (assuming, of course, that drinking is a bad thing; you're free to disagree). I don't care that people don't exercise. I hold myself to a higher standard. In general, it seems I don't care that people don't do the things I do as well as I do them (for the most part (and yes, I'm aware I'm egotistical)). I think this is probably both annoying and confusing to people. I know one girl from handball called me "undateable" because I was "too healthy and responsible." Which I found hilarious, but also a bit telling.

Then again, there's a significant part of me that likes the feeling of superiority. It's like I revel in "forgiving" people for not being as awesome as I am. Which is pretty messed up. I wish I had more analysis for this point, but I'll have to think about it a bit more before I can draw more conclusions.

Like the rest of the world, I have jumped aboard the 2048 train. It was mentioned in XKCD, so I downloaded it, and sure enough, it was intriguing. I quickly came up with a pattern of play that produced success. The real challenge, it turns out, is patience. I get caught up in making progress to the extent I overlook some small but important reaction, and then it all falls apart. A very unforgiving game once you get past a certain point. This is as far as I've gotten at this point:

I've been jumping back and forth between watching poetry and watching people talk about their creative process. It's weird how I can't quite sympathize with either one, at least right now.

I crashed my bike for the first time this "winter" on April Fool's Day. I tried to turn while on a frozen puddle covered with snow and wound up with a bruised/scraped knee/shin. It figured that would be the day for nature to pull such a cruel trick. Fresh snow in April? Yup. Crashing my bike? Of course. You win this one, world.

But that didn't even hurt as much as the pedal I took to the back of my calf/ankle the previous day. I have stairs I have to navigate, and I always take the opportunity to pretend I know what I would do in a cyclecross race, but this time I missed the pedal going for the flying mount-up and wound up ramming the entire bike with my weight behind it into my left leg. Ouch. I don't even know how the pedal could have reached the side of my leg, but I am missing skin in about eight places as a result. I'm impressed, really.

At one of my many lunch talks, I was told that 40% of law students become clinically depressed. I'd hate to think what would happen if someone who was already depressed decided to go to law school...

Speaking of the decision to go to law school, another person from the Ames magic crowd recently announced he would be attending Drake for law. His post on Facebook was met with many accolades. I had no idea how to respond. I was happy that he was happy he got in, but I also felt like gloating because I got in there with their most prestigious scholarship and turned it down. But I also don't envy anyone trying to be a lawyer, since apparently there are no jobs (according to more of these lunch-time-speaker-people). But, he might have a plan, which is more than I can say.

While I'm on the topic of a plan, I learned that I can take up to six credits outside the law school that "substantially relate," so I might use that opportunity to start toward a hard science background with an eye toward a different type of grad school. Now I just need to figure out what other type of degree I might want...

I'm serious, though, when I say I want to stay in school. I love this environment. I don't know what more to say than that. It's awesome.

I'm going to cut off there. I have some job applications I need to fill out, and I have some more brooding to do. Busy day and all that.

Thanks for reading!