New Smell
Eight or ten times
I looked over my shoulder
at emptiness glinting
back at me,
a teasing cacophony
of almost-mirrors,
the bottles dancing
reflections
across their curvatures
an amplification of motion
when a tissue flutters
a hundred-fold
in the prismatic grasp
of glass.
Eight or ten times
I realized the scent
triggering my turn
did not herald the approach
of a new conquerer
or concubine,
but rather a small change
in identity,
for adjustment is slow
where scent is concerned;
the nose is last to let go.
Long after faces fade
lilac will conjure tears
in the crow's-foot crevices
as the sun-filled yard
hedged with purple
yields to a curtained,
perfumed interior
on the day of the last
"I love you."
The silent sense sliding
up the nostril to the brain
slinking from fold to fleshy fold
and striking when least expected
to summon an image,
a sight forgotten
by all but the nose.
So when I glance
that eighth or tenth time
expecting someone
other than me
it's only because I'm unused
to this scent that isn't mine.
Poem:
I went to Walmart to buy more deodorant and they were out of the stuff I always get. I didn't think it would matter, so I just got something else, and then spent the next couple of DAYS trying to figure out why I kept expecting to see people around me. Turns out I just needed to acclimate or something, but it was weird. I could have sworn people were walking up behind me at work all day, and every time: nothing.
Observation:
I saw this while reading about Magic: the Gathering and thought it was too true to not include in my blog:
http://www.quietspeculation.com/2011/08/motivation-cycles/
I find myself trapped somewhere between the steps of reality and reaction all too frequently. Ideas for writing, ideas for careers, ideas for dinner all fall prey to the devious ways of my brain. See, I'm plenty good at coming up with raw ideas, but I'm even better at instantly finding the flaws that prevent them from being realized. It's bridging from the second step to the third step that gets me every time. Or maybe this falls under the "resistance" category described in the article. Maybe I've realized it's just not worth it to keep trying to overcome obstacles. Either way, I guess I'm stuck hoping that this is indeed a cycle and not just a dead end. It would be great to be at the renewal stage again. I feel like I haven't been there with respect to my writing in years. Probably the last time was my junior year of college when I was in Benjamen Percy's class on writing creative nonfiction. Something about that guy just makes me feel constantly renewed. I guess the trick to being a writer is finding that within yourself. The oft-talked-about muse, as it were.
The cycle applies quite aptly to this blog, as you may or may not have noticed. I put a lot of time and effort into it initially, grew to realize it was taking up rather more time than I had thought initially, and thought I had better things to do. So I guess I underwent renewal at some point according to the steps in the article, but it really just felt like when I had more free time I went back to doing something that I knew filled it. I guess the obstacle was eliminated for me, so I effectively skipped some steps. Doubtless I will grow less enthusiastic again in the future, either as my time fills up or I grow weary of relating what seems to be trending toward a mundane existence.
Another poem:
Nightmares
I miss your nightmares.
The tossing panicked fears,
the wide-eyed waking,
the gasp for air
as you find the surface
having dug for days
through the dirt
after the world's collapse.
I miss the jerking awake,
the kicking,
the murmured explanations
of impending doom
unremembered.
I miss the realization,
that moment when the riptide
releases, the drowning ceases,
the quicksand relents
to a tightened squeeze,
almost-clenching
where you fit, unthreatened,
and the tension leaves in waves
a brief sidling
a sigh
and sleep again.
Poem:
No explanation required?
October 14, 2011
October 10, 2011
Is there such a thing as a post-cursor post?
Me:
Steve Jobs said to find something you want to do. He said he woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror and asked himself if he really wanted to do what he was going to do that day, and if the answer was no too many times in a row, he needed to change something. He said that life is far too short to spend it doing anything other than exactly what you want.
I happen to be in a privileged position. I have a comfortable life, a family who supports me, and a good education (so far). So why don't I take Steve Jobs' advice? Why don't I spend every day doing exactly what I want? Obviously, there are limitations, but I am nowhere close to being happy with how I spend my days. I'm content, I suppose. I think that's the bane of people in my situation. People of my generation have parents who put them in a comfortable setting. They have worked their entire lives building a base which can support a child comfortably. So we are comfortable. I'm not sure how many people I know who are doing exactly what they want or are in the process of getting there. Maybe a few. The rest of us pretend we are looking at things pragmatically. We say "oh, of course I'd rather be doing something else, but it's just not practical. I have more to think about." The truth is that I don't. Right now is the time in my life to get hungry. There's a reason there are so many rags to riches stories. It's because it takes a hunger to drive a person to accomplish something and to keep accomplishing. It's nearly impossible to find this hunger when you grow up wanting for nothing.
Again, Steve Jobs had an answer. He reminded us that death is going to come, and that it helped apply pressure to his work. Knowing he was going to die made him productive.
That is undoubtedly the correct response. Unfortunately, acknowledging that and adopting the appropriate mindset are two very different things. It is far too easy to look at death's approach and say "to hell with it, nothing matters," or to cling too hard to the moments as they inevitably slip away.
I was reminded of all this again last Saturday at my cyclocross race. I had the option of attending a Pro Tour Qualifying tournament for Magic: The Gathering instead, but the fact that it was seven hours away and the race was put on by my cycling team persuaded me to stay. I rode less than half the race. It took me about two laps to realize I wasn't having any fun, nor would that be changing. It took me another two laps to decide that it wasn't worth finishing. I don't regret stopping. I don't even really regret not attending the PTQ seven hours away. It's always too easy to look back and think things would have been better if I had done something else, but the truth is that, for all I know, I would have crashed my car driving in a tired stupor either to or from the tournament. Or I would have gotten there, gotten my cards, and been outmatched in every round. What I do regret is not giving myself enough credit when I thought it would be more fun to go play Magic.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. Steve Jobs said to do exactly what you want and not to settle. If you're not happy, keep looking. Well, I've looked at (or at least thought about) a lot of different things, and I'm not really sure how many more there are to consider. All I've succeeded in doing so far is eliminating all but a few choices, and those seem so be focused more along the lines of continuing contentment than a passionate calling. I suppose there needs to be some risk involved. There needs to be a threat of failure in order to spark success. Right now, I don't have that element. I'm safe knowing that if something doesn't work out, I have other options. Is it possible for me to abandon this safety if I think it could propel me to actually accomplish something? I'm honestly not sure. I know I'm going to apply to law schools. If I get accepted, that might be the end of that. I'll be on my road toward contentment. There's probably nothing wrong with that. What's left in the meantime is some number of months to use in whatever manner suits me. I don't look in the mirror every morning, but if I did, I'm pretty sure it's been too many days in a row of unenthusiastic "no's."
I'm not sure what it will take to wake up excited for the day. It might be writing. It might be traveling. It might be being an astronaut. Of the three, the only one that's really feasible is writing, though. Maybe that's a good place to start. I know I haven't really figured anything out, but it helps to write it down.
Steve Jobs said to find something you want to do. He said he woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror and asked himself if he really wanted to do what he was going to do that day, and if the answer was no too many times in a row, he needed to change something. He said that life is far too short to spend it doing anything other than exactly what you want.
I happen to be in a privileged position. I have a comfortable life, a family who supports me, and a good education (so far). So why don't I take Steve Jobs' advice? Why don't I spend every day doing exactly what I want? Obviously, there are limitations, but I am nowhere close to being happy with how I spend my days. I'm content, I suppose. I think that's the bane of people in my situation. People of my generation have parents who put them in a comfortable setting. They have worked their entire lives building a base which can support a child comfortably. So we are comfortable. I'm not sure how many people I know who are doing exactly what they want or are in the process of getting there. Maybe a few. The rest of us pretend we are looking at things pragmatically. We say "oh, of course I'd rather be doing something else, but it's just not practical. I have more to think about." The truth is that I don't. Right now is the time in my life to get hungry. There's a reason there are so many rags to riches stories. It's because it takes a hunger to drive a person to accomplish something and to keep accomplishing. It's nearly impossible to find this hunger when you grow up wanting for nothing.
Again, Steve Jobs had an answer. He reminded us that death is going to come, and that it helped apply pressure to his work. Knowing he was going to die made him productive.
That is undoubtedly the correct response. Unfortunately, acknowledging that and adopting the appropriate mindset are two very different things. It is far too easy to look at death's approach and say "to hell with it, nothing matters," or to cling too hard to the moments as they inevitably slip away.
I was reminded of all this again last Saturday at my cyclocross race. I had the option of attending a Pro Tour Qualifying tournament for Magic: The Gathering instead, but the fact that it was seven hours away and the race was put on by my cycling team persuaded me to stay. I rode less than half the race. It took me about two laps to realize I wasn't having any fun, nor would that be changing. It took me another two laps to decide that it wasn't worth finishing. I don't regret stopping. I don't even really regret not attending the PTQ seven hours away. It's always too easy to look back and think things would have been better if I had done something else, but the truth is that, for all I know, I would have crashed my car driving in a tired stupor either to or from the tournament. Or I would have gotten there, gotten my cards, and been outmatched in every round. What I do regret is not giving myself enough credit when I thought it would be more fun to go play Magic.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. Steve Jobs said to do exactly what you want and not to settle. If you're not happy, keep looking. Well, I've looked at (or at least thought about) a lot of different things, and I'm not really sure how many more there are to consider. All I've succeeded in doing so far is eliminating all but a few choices, and those seem so be focused more along the lines of continuing contentment than a passionate calling. I suppose there needs to be some risk involved. There needs to be a threat of failure in order to spark success. Right now, I don't have that element. I'm safe knowing that if something doesn't work out, I have other options. Is it possible for me to abandon this safety if I think it could propel me to actually accomplish something? I'm honestly not sure. I know I'm going to apply to law schools. If I get accepted, that might be the end of that. I'll be on my road toward contentment. There's probably nothing wrong with that. What's left in the meantime is some number of months to use in whatever manner suits me. I don't look in the mirror every morning, but if I did, I'm pretty sure it's been too many days in a row of unenthusiastic "no's."
I'm not sure what it will take to wake up excited for the day. It might be writing. It might be traveling. It might be being an astronaut. Of the three, the only one that's really feasible is writing, though. Maybe that's a good place to start. I know I haven't really figured anything out, but it helps to write it down.
A Precursor Post
Observation:
A couple of days ago it occurred to me that the random thoughts running through my head are occasionally the sort people involved in social networking might display using whatever medium the are involved in. So without further ado, here are some "Things I would have Tweeted/Facebooked/Whatevered":
The low coefficient of friction between leaves makes biking difficult. And the COF between leaves and my eyeballs is high enough to accomplish the same result.
Cyclocross has the unlooked for benefit of covering people in dirt. The mud is good for two reasons: A shell to ward off mosquitoes, and a thick layer of material which will slide on smooth sections of pavement.
And this is after I had spent some time hosing my bike off. Oh cyclocross... why oh why...
Close-up of the shoes which bore the brunt of the assault.
It turns out that handball is better played with the fronts of your hands. On a related note, it also turns out that if you develop a bruise, the best course of action isn't to do whatever it was that caused it many more times.
Scrabble is becoming an increasingly depressing game for me lately. Most recently, it turns out that "ewok is not a word." Oh phone, how wrong you are...
Me:
Steve Jobs is dead. This is old news to everyone, I'm sure, but I've been meaning to write this entry for a while now, and I don't think this occurrence should go without recognition. The guy was amazing, not only for the products he made, but for his attitude toward life. Here is a link to a video I saw that really made me think:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VERGbYDuJ-4
I think I'll just let that sink in for a bit and write my response to it tomorrow. It's a bit late right now, and I'm tired enough as it is. It's just too awesome that the current theme in my life seems to be doing what you want to do. If only it were that simple, right? Seems like a good place to start my next post. Spoiler alert: it will probably be long. And perhaps boring. You have been warned.
A couple of days ago it occurred to me that the random thoughts running through my head are occasionally the sort people involved in social networking might display using whatever medium the are involved in. So without further ado, here are some "Things I would have Tweeted/Facebooked/Whatevered":
The low coefficient of friction between leaves makes biking difficult. And the COF between leaves and my eyeballs is high enough to accomplish the same result.
Cyclocross has the unlooked for benefit of covering people in dirt. The mud is good for two reasons: A shell to ward off mosquitoes, and a thick layer of material which will slide on smooth sections of pavement.
Scrabble is becoming an increasingly depressing game for me lately. Most recently, it turns out that "ewok is not a word." Oh phone, how wrong you are...
Me:
Steve Jobs is dead. This is old news to everyone, I'm sure, but I've been meaning to write this entry for a while now, and I don't think this occurrence should go without recognition. The guy was amazing, not only for the products he made, but for his attitude toward life. Here is a link to a video I saw that really made me think:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VERGbYDuJ-4
I think I'll just let that sink in for a bit and write my response to it tomorrow. It's a bit late right now, and I'm tired enough as it is. It's just too awesome that the current theme in my life seems to be doing what you want to do. If only it were that simple, right? Seems like a good place to start my next post. Spoiler alert: it will probably be long. And perhaps boring. You have been warned.
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