(actually a part of the previous post)

Just to preface this, it feels weird doing this here, because I know that if I were in her position (and if I were reading my ex's blog), I would interpret all of this stuff as stuff meant for her to read and constructed as such. You'll just have to take my word for it that this is not that. This is for me. Another attempt to clarify what I'm feeling on the topic record the thoughts I've been having. As it relates to the last post, this is me getting my "secrets" out into the open so I can deal with them, either through dialogue or the process of getting them out of my head. Like it or not, this girl (woman? it sucks that there's no easy term that sounds right; I think the closest is "lady" but that still has a connotation of "ladies and gentlemen" like it's formal or something) still occupies my thoughts pretty regularly. I'm doing pretty well about it recently. I don't really feel that sad anymore. I have regrets, sure, but the abiding sense of loss, of clinging to the memories I know are overly-simplified or idealized has faded. Which I'm also not sure is great, but I'll get to that.

When I was talking to Sarah S about relationship stuff, we talked about a bunch of things, but a couple of items really stuck after the conversation ended. The first is that I shouldn't have gotten back together with Rebecca after she cheated on me the second time. Yes, this is likely a gut reaction of "I should have ended things on my terms rather than experience what wound up being painful," but there's more to it than that. 

More specifically, when talking about my attitude toward her after she cheated, I realized that what led to problems down the road is I took her mistake as license to take as long as I wanted to get over it. I thought this was reasonable. I'm still not sure it was unreasonable. But I obviously remember things pretty well for a long time after they happen, so the process was not short. And I thought my "willingness" to put in that work made me a great boyfriend, even though what actually happened was that I made it impossible to actually move past the problem. I don't like moving past things. I like solving them, coming to terms with them, or at the very least, eliminating the possibility of their re-occurrence. And when it's a major event, it (obviously, as evidenced by this post) takes longer for me to wrap my head around. The fact that it was the second time she cheated on me made it impossible for me to write off as an isolated occurrence, and rather than drag both of us through the process of me figuring stuff out, I should have done the easy thing and ended it.

This didn't happen, obviously, and because I had never resolved the core problem, anything extra that I became frustrated with seemed even more burdensome. On the one hand, this probably sounds like an excuse I'm making just to avoid taking responsibility for my reactions and shift the blame; on the other hand, I'm sure it was obvious that I was bothered by her cheating for a long time. Her desire to go to the bars with her friends, for example, was made even more bothersome because I still didn't quite trust her. Not only was it something I couldn't relate to because I didn't have a desire to join in, it was also something I couldn't understand because I figured bars were places people went to meet girls. Even if she wasn't going to meet guys, it was obvious that guys were going to hit on her, and she had "fell for" that before...

I know she was probably going to the bars to have fun with her friends because I wasn't that much fun to be around. That makes sense. I had obviously changed. I will try to explain. Again, this will probably come across as making excuses. I felt, not only that I had the right to change, but also that I should change. Obviously the person I was wasn't good enough. That person had gotten cheated on. So I changed, but in the obviously-wrong way. I became less attached. I figured it might hurt less if it happened again. On some level I'm sure I was hoping that if I didn't seem that committed, it might make her work even harder to make me happy.

See, here's the thing: I knew things would go back to normal eventually. I had absolute faith that as long as we "stuck it out" we were good together and would be happy again. I knew my "getting over it" process was going to be a long one. I'd read plenty of books that talked about people struggling through counseling for years to get over this sort of thing. I had this idea that it was supposed to be hard. I don't know what her conception of it was. I know that between me bringing it up all the time and her own feeling of guilt, it probably seemed like she had gone through enough "penance." She certainly had. But it's not like I was constructing some test. It wasn't "If you can tolerate me bringing it up and feeling insecure about it for "x number of years" you win the prize and we can go back to being normal. I was processing it in the only ways I knew how, which (and this may be weird) was to bring it up a lot in an effort to acclimate myself to the new fact.

(Sidebar: I do this with everything I consider to be a major change in a relationship I have with someone. For the first few weeks after Sarah Schreitmueller starts dating someone (not that this happens that frequently or something), I constantly bring up her boyfriend. I ask her what her boyfriend thinks of her hanging out with me, not to make her feel uncomfortable or make it seem like it's an issue he should be worried about, but to reestablish that something how I think about her has changed. If anyone tells me something about me that bothers them, I am guaranteed to bring it up the next few times (every single time) I do whatever that is. I will start prefacing my actions "I know this bothers you, but..." It will annoy the crap out of them. But I'm doing it as much to remind myself that something has changed or needs to change as anything else. It's my way of reminding myself, and it's probably the worst way ever, because it by its very nature reminds them too.)

So the next problem that happened stemmed from the fact that once we were back together, I didn't feel appreciated. I still felt entitled. I felt like I was always going to have the status of "being the bigger man" by agreeing to be in a relationship again. I don't think I was ever the person who took much initiative in planning for us, but what little enthusiasm I had was nowhere to be found. I assumed that if I was the person who was doing the hard thing (deigning to go out with someone who was unfaithful), I was absolved of putting further effort in. This was only a small facet of my (at the very least perceived) laziness. (It was also easy to be happy when I didn't have to work, I did basically what I wanted, and was generally content cuddling and watching TV shows.)

I knew my process of getting over her cheating would change things, but like I said, I took the long view. The "in a few years, we will be able to be happy, and in the meantime, this is better than being apart from each other." Obviously, she disagreed with that last bit. So because I wasn't putting work in (other than sitting around trying to come to terms with it), and she felt like we were drifting apart and that I was constantly judging her, things got worse rather than better. And you know what? There's a cliche about that, so I figured all was as it should be. Things are supposed to get worse before they get better, or that phrase wouldn't exist. So I didn't take that as a sign to reexamine or make any drastic changes. I just kept trying to "tough it out."

I still wonder what would have happened if we tried to really work through things (like with a counselor or something). I doubt it would have ended well. I'm pretty argumentative, after all, and I doubt that setting would really change anything. I know the times we tried to talk about it on our own it usually degenerated pretty quickly into one of two situations: Either we would be talking past each other as I was stubbornly convinced of a point I was trying to make and kept reframing it in a slightly different context until she agreed (though I'm sure her "assent" was never genuine, since it was more the result of bludgeoning than persuasion), or she would get sad and I would try to cheer her up (either by backpedaling slightly on my view (while somehow still trying to get my point across), or by dropping it and hugging her). That was a pretty big thing looking back at it. It happened a lot where she would do something that frustrated me, I would express the frustration, and before the frustration was even resolved, I would be trying to console her. So she would be feeling miserable, and I would be in this weird state of half-sorry, half still-frustrated. This even happened in Toronto when she was talking about breaking up with me. So what happened was, she aired the idea, I got offended, defensive, and upset, and then, because she was crying already, I set those things aside and hugged her and tried to be nice. It happened all the time, and it was terrible for actually getting to the bottom of anything. But I couldn't make myself ignore how miserable she was feeling (or acknowledge it and press on, or whatever the "correct" reaction is), and she certainly couldn't help feeling miserable, so many of our discussions amounted to nothing.

What it boiled down to was this: I wanted an unlimited amount of time to come to terms with her cheating on me. I figured nothing I was doing was as bad as what she had done, so I got a "free pass." This was obviously the wrong mentality. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I guess that's why people get paid a lot of money for counseling couples. "Working through it" seemed like an exercise in futility, and after a while, it took on an air of "well, I guess it's stupid to bring this up yet again." I'm sure it felt that way to her after the millionth time. The fact that I was still bothered seemed to mean less and less as it became a "yeah, yeah, I get it, I cheated on you" sort of reaction (that's an oversimplification, in case you were wondering). So things got worse before they got better, and then things ended because they got worse. My "taking the long view" might have been wrong. I don't know. I knew I was ready to spend years (the rest of my life) trying to make it work. So that's my secret, I guess: I am (also) to blame for what happened. I think I've been trying to figure out how for a long time. Because I see myself as "perfect" in a lot of ways, this took longer to realize than it should have. And for all I know, this was obvious to the people around us. But it's good to get it out there. I was confused for so long because I knew there was probably something I could have done differently, but because I place such an emphasis on having a justification for my decisions, I couldn't separate myself from those decisions long enough to really think about it.

Don't worry, I'm not done.

Recently, it's been way easier to look back on this stuff without the stomach-wrenching (or at least, the same degree of turmoil) I used to experience. This scares me. See, I know I dealt with my last breakup by over-rationalizing things. I immediately started resenting Hiwot because I figured if what I was doing wasn't good enough, then something was wrong with her. I mean, I tried really hard to be a good boyfriend, and she still didn't laugh at my jokes. So obviously it was her fault, and I almost-immediately started resenting that fact.

I realized I was starting to resent Rebecca. It wasn't a conscious process; I just realized in the gym one day that I was starting to feel angry instead of sad when I thought about her. I was mad that she had deprived both of us of what was supposed to turn out to be a happy life together. This obviously relates back to the last section in that I still had this idea that once we worked through thins, it would get better. (I was so convinced! I hate that. I hate that I was clinging to something so hard that she was able to set aside. It makes me feel like I had misplaced my effort/desires/love.) 

My sister and I talked about this for a bit over winter break. Not, like, super in-detail or anything. I feel really, really awkward talking to her about it. But I value her opinion because she knows both of us so well, that I figure anything she says has some weight behind it. Unfortunately, she always comes across as defending Rebecca. This is probably one of the reasons I don't feel close to her anymore. But we were talking, and I obviously expressed my frustration with the fact that I still didn't quite know why things ended. She said something to the effect of "cheating is an indication of the relationship being over" in the cheater's mind. Obviously I couldn't figure out why we had gotten back together, then, but that's not really the point. The first time it happened, she also defended Rebecca's "right to move on" (for lack of a better term). I still wonder rather frequently why she seems to have this abiding opinion that I wasn't good enough for Rebecca. It might be that she feels the need to defend her when she isn't there to defend herself, but nonetheless, there's a pattern of 1) things got rocky 2) Rebecca expressed doubts/problems (or cheated on me) 3) my sister immediately justified/defended/encouraged those doubts/problems/actions. I don't think I've ever heard her actually say "Rebecca was wrong to cheat on you."

What this condenses down into is that I felt better looking back at my relationship with Rebecca, and that scared me because I knew that on some level it meant I was beginning to justify feeling callous. I know I deal with things this way all the time. It's the epitome of confirmation bias. As soon as a decision is made for you, you start coming up with reasons why that was the way it should have been. I've spent SO LONG trying not to think that. I still don't want to think that. I still want to think that it could have worked, that we could have made it work. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the good times we had, the times where it seemed like we would be together forever. I was willing to go through years of struggling trying to get that back, because Rebecca was the first person I'd been initially attracted to, reciprocated, and had that turn into a really special relationship. I wasn't ready to let it go, and it scares me to think that confirmation bias is stripping it from me. Yeah, time heals all wounds. It's probably better that (it seems) I'm going to wind up resenting her. But I don't want to. I don't want there to be that tiny kernel of hate at the core of me that enables me to move on. I wish the process were cleaner, somehow. It doesn't seem like it is, or that it can be. So I guess I'll let time do its thing.

I have to go to class. I'm not sure whether this is done or not. I'll reread it once I get back, but I'm tired of it not being posted.

Thanks for reading!

(Secrets: actually part of the previous post)

So in the spirit of not procrastinating, "just doing it," putting myself out there, etc. here are what I consider to be my "secrets." I still don't quite know what these are supposed to be. Are they just things I don't tell people? There are a lot of things I don't tell people that I wouldn't care that much if they knew. I have no problem talking about most things if I know someone wants to hear them. Just to reiterate, my goal in writing this is to unburden myself of things that occupy my mind. It will probably seem like I'm writing this to offend people, and no doubt there are plenty of things for people to be offended about. It might also seem like I'm writing it as a way to get attention. In a way that's obviously true. The video that triggered this was about a man who realized he was racist, so he moved into a black neighborhood and told his neighbors he was racist. This is me telling the people to whom my secrets are relevant. If it starts a dialogue, so much the better. I think a major part of the man's process was talking about his problem further, confronting it with the help of the people around him. I don't really know if all my secrets have solutions. I don't really know what to include. So let's start a list and see what comes out:

I believe I am superior to everyone. When introduced to a new person, I immediately begin analyzing ways in which I am better than them. If I don't have a better GPA, I assign more importance to being athletic, more responsible, more anything. (Sometimes things have to go into the hypothetical realm really quickly... oh yeah, well I bet you're worse at juggling, rubik's cubes, and Magic: the Gathering than I am) And then I decide I am "better." It's not like I'm stupid enough to think that I'm unbiased. I'm also not writing this to make myself seem "self-aware" or whatever. It's just true. I know it, and I don't tell people, so now it's out there. If I know you, I think I'm better than you. I'm sorry. I admit this may not be true, but it's what I believe deep down.

I am capable of rationalizing anything. I frequently doubt which comes first, my decision to do something, or my reason for doing it. I hold myself to the standard of "have a reason for everything you do." But when my brain is capable of finding a justification (and a convincing one) for any action, it's almost a nominal standard. So with that in mind, it should come as no surprise that I am sure I'm capable of killing someone. I watched some interviews of serial killers (Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer) and the way they talk about their actions without remorse reminds me of me. It's simple. It's just "I wanted to, so I did." Ted Bundy tries to blame his on watching violent pornography, but by all accounts that's just him trying for a weird tactic. This applies to silly things too, of course. I can rationalize wearing shorts all year round. I can rationalize my decision to wear jeans this week. It's true that I will have a reason at the ready for any question about an action I took intentionally. The motivation may just be that I thought it would be enjoyable, but I'll be able to follow that up with reasons too.

I don't know how far to take this. Should I share everything I know people don't know? Should I share the things that only concern one person, or should I just talk to that one person? I mean, I'm all for sharing, but the boundaries of what constitute a secret that's holding me back are a bit vague.
Other secrets:

Love:
A. My Sister (might as well start things off with a bang)
1) I think I don't "love" my sister. I texted her I loved her just this morning, which is why this is on my mind. I don't know how to describe this either. I don't feel vested in her at all. I know we have a connection as siblings. I value the experiences we shared. I admire her in a lot of ways. I just don't feel "love" in the way I conceptualize it. I have no doubt that what I feel fits the definition of love in the dictionary, fits most people's definition of love, even, but I still felt awkward texting her. I thanked her for the birthday wishes and hit send. Then I sent a follow-up text with "I love you too, of course." Heinlein (and a bunch of other people) uses the three definitions of love separately. Philos (friend), eros (physical) agape (total). I have philos love for my sister; of that I'm sure. And I don't even have that for many people, so it's not like she's not spe(s)c(h)ial. I just don't normally say it to those people. So when I texted it and questioned it, I figured it was a secret.

B. On the other hand, I can say I love my mom and not question it at all. That being said, there was a period of my life where I doubted this, and would have said without question that I loved my sister.
When I think about my mom very specific things come to mind. None of them are positive. One of the videos I watched recently on my search for self-actualization crap said we feel a loss twice as much as we feel a gain. I think it must be true, especially if memory is any gauge. 1) I remember a car ride where she threatened to put me on medication. I think we were on Duff Avenue, maybe near Lincoln Way. We might have been stopped by a train? I was pretty young. It's one of my earlier memories. 2) I remember giving her the middle finger to her back because we had just yelled at each other and it seemed like the right thing to do (according to movies, the situation, I don't know), and feeling really weird while doing it. Not only was it not satisfying in the slightest, one of her softball teammates saw me do it and I got hit for the first time in a long time. I think that might have been the last time, too, actually. 3) I remember her saying she was afraid that I might/could kill her. The thing about that wasn't how ridiculous it was, it was how disconcerting it was that she might be seeing/knowing me for the "evil" I really was. (I have never wanted to kill my mom. I have wondered if I would feel anything if I killed someone, though. So in a sense, it was ridiculous, since I knew I would never do that, but at the same time...) 4) Around that time I remember her calling the police on me because I was disobedient. One of the most offensive things I clearly remember my reaction to was her saying she needed to control me. Unsurprisingly, I am not a fan of being controlled. How is it that these are the things that spring to mind when I think of my childhood and I still have a positive impression overall? I can't remember anything offhand that was amazing, I can remember all these specific times that it was awful, and I still think it was awesome. I love how I turned out as a person, I love my parents for all the work they did, and yet I really do struggle to remember the good times. Some of them come back with effort. Hiking is always a big one. Snorkeling in Hawaii, kayaking in Alaska, seeing the lights of Disney World. I technically can remember all of these things, and my god do I have a lot to draw upon when I take the time to remember it, but it's not my default. But since my mom will no doubt be worried that I am unhappy: don't.

C. I can say I love Sarah Schreitmueller with the same conviction.
She, more than anyone else at this point, has been through the most with me. However (haha, she knew that word was coming), our relationship has always been the most tumultuous. Is that how they work? The deeper the connection, the more extreme the variation? There has always been this sense of missed opportunity, but at this point we both wonder if that has always been more for nostalgia's sake than anything else. I mean, the opportunity was missed so many years ago that at this point it's not even that it's being missed. And now that it's been missed, we know too much (know better than) to ever try again. Yet we still flirt with the idea (each other) occasionally. I don't think there are secrets I keep from her. There are some I keep for her. Those aren't mine to share, even in a post about secret-sharing. I suppose there are secrets I keep about her/us from others. 1) Even after I have told myself we won't ever "be together" I get jealous of her boyfriends. I know it's illogical. I doubt it needs explanation. 2) Some part of me will always want to ignore all the very good reasons we are incompatible. I have come to terms with that, I think.

D. Kids
I am afraid of screwing one up so much that I have vowed never to have one. I can remember so many things that made (make) me unhappy that I can't will that upon anyone else. I know I am happy to be alive, but I still can't quite make the leap that it's logical for me to be happy to be alive. I have plenty of other reasons I also believe for not having kids. I give those reasons first. I don't think that the world needs more people. I don't think that I will be happy financially or schedule-wise if I have a kid. I do think that whoever I decide to marry will be enough for me, and that I want to have a relationship where our focus is mainly on each other. So I won't have kids. But other people's sure are great.

E. My dad (don't worry, these aren't in order or anything (any more than the order they spilled out of my head).
I love my dad, but I can feel it transforming all the time. It used to be a profound respect, admiration, etc. and it scares me that it's changing. Handball has really served as a sort of culmination of how it has happened. Around middle school-age, I remember coming to an abrupt realization that my dad wasn't actually "good" at sports. Of course, I was terrible, but I can still remember one occasion at Roosevelt Elementary when we were playing soccer and my perception shifted. His form was terrible. Sure, it worked just fine, and heck, he might even have beaten me (probably did if I can't remember it, right?), but his stride wasn't how it "should" look when dribbling, his windup wasn't "correct," etc. (I don't know whether I should include mitigating statements like "I value the time we spent together and I don't care that his form was bad." Of course that's true. I assume he knows that's true. He might even know his form isn't great.) Similarly, his tennis stroke is pretty bad. As I got better at things, the disparities became more and more obvious, so it makes sense that now, with handball, it has reached the most extreme. When I got to college (and maybe a bit before that), another change occurred. I used to be afraid of him being angry/upset/frustrated. But, like me, that's just how he gets sometimes. Once I realized how similar we were in that regard, it was almost impossible to take him seriously anymore. His frustration with navigating the car, the referees at a sporting event, or (seemingly) any piece of technology he came in contact with became "just another thing that dad does." I think this is partly because I know that even the moment, I am aware that the frustration, while obviously maddening, is only temporary. So I knew both that his frustration was temporary, and that he (probably) also knows that his frustration is temporary. I adopted the eye roll/shoulder shrug combo as my go-to reaction (accompanied by meaningful, humoring glances to my mom if she is present). This isn't to say that I'm not frustrated sometimes, especially when in public, but I know that I'm that way enough of the time that it all balances out. Plus, my frustration at his frustration is only temporary, right?

F. Exes
1) I'm afraid I would get back together with Rebecca if she wanted to. I am afraid at what this says about me. Actually, that's not quite accurate. I am actually quite sure I wouldn't get back together with Rebecca, since my self-esteem, arrogance, resentment, and rationality would preclude that. What I'm really afraid of is the amount of time I would spend worrying about the decision. I assume this is a byproduct of my still-confused state. This is closely related to the post I am composing to immediately follow this one, so this "secret" will just be a placeholder for that in its entirety.
2) I loved Hiwot, but I still can't quite figure out what that was. It started as philos, and then skipped to a pseudo-agape, then retreated into eros, then finished somewhere in the middle of all three. Does that even make sense? My secret in this case is that I wasn't even attracted to her until a year (or more) after we were "dating." It was the definition of "grows on you." It sucked because at the same time, I was quite attracted to her best friend, and that took no time at all. It's weird to say it started as philos, because that has a cerebral connotation. The thing that attracted me the most was how god damn nice she was. She wasn't brilliant, I didn't find her physically attractive, but after hanging out with her for a year, I loved her. Of course I was eventually physically attracted to her. This scares me because looking back, she wasn't really "my type" at all. Her emails were incredibly girly (stereotypically so) and exhibit a lack of spelling and grammar. She wasn't athletic, and didn't really try to be. And yet I loved her. So does that mean I could love anyone who was nice to me? That's disturbing? Does it mean I could love anyone at all? I hope not! But I don't know. I've dated the only two girls who have pursued me and shown a modicum of decency. (Sarah gets a pass because she never formally pursued me until after it was obvious the idea of us being together was "indecent." Mallory, a girl from my statistics class, pursued me but showed nothing that would separate her from a rock as a candidate for a relationship. We went out on a date once, even. Nothing.) Related to both Hiwot and Sarah: my relationship with Hiwot formally ended when I kissed Sarah. Things were not great before that, obviously, or it wouldn't have entered my mind. I don't think I've mentioned this to very many people. I always just say the underlying causes: we were committed to the relationship on different levels (I was actually more serious than her; she wouldn't move in with me when I asked), she thought argumentation was a problem in a relationship (it's hard to argue with that) while I wanted to hash out our differences all the time, and most of all, she stopped laughing when I made jokes and didn't react to my romantic gestures (I planned a "really elaborate" Valentine's Day (judge by broke college kid standards)). That stuff is all just rationalizing.

G. Other people
I love my grandma. I don't actually know her as a person, though, so it's a weird love (maybe between agape and philos). It's like getting married in Vegas and never finding a reason to get divorced. I made a decision without knowing all the facts, and I still don't know all the facts. I get little hints all the time, either from my mom or brief interaction, but she is still awesome. Even her quirks (the ones I know about) are endearing. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons not to love her, but in this case, I resolve to remain willfully ignorant.
The rest of my family is just that: part of my family. I'm sorry if you wanted more, but that's a lot of detail. I know my aunt and her husband read this occasionally. I don't really have any secrets concerning them. I still remember a time (at Disney World) where I made my mom unhappy and Joyce grabbed my arm (really hard, actually) and said something in the meanest tone of voice. I don't resent her for it, but it made my list of events indelibly etched in memory. From that point on, I don't think I was ever going to really "get close" with her (not that it would have happened anyway). It was the reason to get divorced after the Vegas wedding. (I really like that analogy!)

What other categories of secrets are there?

I judge people based on their appearance. Even based on their facial structure. I judge them based on their accent, on their skin color, on their posture. (I am also willing to revise this opinion.) For instance, upon first impression (a bunch of years ago), I didn't like Kurt (my sister's boyfriend). I made a bunch of incorrect assumptions that I can't even remember right now, but I readily admit now not only that I was wrong, but that he's actually a really cool guy. I don't feel like we get along that well, but objectively (and subjectively), he's awesome.
See, that just became another "secret" about a particular person. They guy in the video got off easy being a racist. I guess I'm a racist too, since I judge people on skin color? But not really, since I don't judge someone based on their skin color any more than I judge them for having missing teeth, mispronouncing words, or gesturing pretentiously. So I'm a people-ist?

I can't think of many right now. Those are the big ones, I think. Smaller ones include the fact that I do care what I look like (and as a result of my disgust of that, I overcorrect), I don't shower, I don't know anything about computers (other than how google works), and I don't care what most people think about me (but think that's weird, and then try to make them like me anyway). Actually that's sort of an interesting one. I think the most accurate way of putting it is that I don't think that people have the right to have an opinion about me, so I don't respect what they think of me, even though I do sort of care. This no doubt ties into my superiority complex. It also conflicts hilariously with my snap-judging of other people.

I look back at my philosophy papers and wonder who wrote them. It's so true that philosophy is a world reserved for the academics for academic's sake. I remember being happy in philosophy. I wonder if I would be happy there now. (That's not a secret!)

I want to be a writer. I know that on a deep, fundamental, basic, other-word-for-core, level. I don't know if that's a secret. If it is, it's as much a secret from myself as it is from anyone else. I plan on writing more about that in the post I'm interrupting by writing this. If I don't I'll come back here and edit.

Are sexual encounters secrets? I don't want them on the internet, even if they are. If you really want to know, get in touch with me, I guess? I've never been that shy about talking about sex. It just doesn't happen that much (the sex, or the talking about it...).

I am insecure. I bet you know this already.

I have written three suicide notes.

I will cheat at things if I know I can get away with it. I very rarely find justification for it, but that doesn't change the fact that I have no real barrier in my mind.

Every year around my birthday I seriously consider drinking. I've still never done it. Is that worthy of "secret" status? I came closer this year than usual. A new place, nothing to lose, and people were already meeting at a bar. I also seriously consider buying alcohol by myself and getting drunk just to see what it's like once every month or so. This is probably stupid compared to the suicide notes stuff, huh? To me, there is very little difference between the debates. Maybe that's weirder than either of them.

I really, really want to believe in God.

I judge people harshly right away if they make their religious views obvious.

I have no interest in being a lawyer. I really like school though.

I want to get in a fight. I want to know what it feels like to punch and get punched and know it's real.

Well, I made it to twenty-five with all of those issues. I don't think talking about them made them go away, but if you want further clarification about anything, you probably know how to reach me. If not, you can always comment!

If I think of more I'll post them here as a postscript. It might be interesting to see how many occur before and after the sign-off. I'll make a note in whatever entry I'm writing at the time so you know I've added another secret. I'm sure there are plenty I'm forgetting. This is just a few hours' worth.

My intention was not to offend anyone. Like I said, the point of this was in the hope of not worrying about this stuff again. Like Childish Gambino says:

This isn’t a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I’m not saying this thing is true or not, I’m just saying it’s what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it all for everybody, always. Everybody can’t turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them. But this means there isn’t a place in my life for you or someone like you. Is it sad? Sure. But it’s a sadness I chose.

So I told everybody. I'm sure I haven't told you all everything yet, but I'll work on it.

Thanks for reading!

PS: (2/2/14): (Like I mentioned, everything after this point will be an edit.) I feel awkward every time I swear. Some people (like my friend Brian Burke) swear with an ease that amazes and impresses me. His demeanor doesn't change depending on his audience, he just says "my fuckin' next door neighbor is fuckin' crazy." And then launches into his profanity-laden story. And it's awesome. I don't have that comfort. I still swear, especially around handball players, but I bet I sound unconvincing. I know I sound unconvincing to myself.

Law school downtime (YouTube finale)

So, it's my birthday. I propose postponing it to some more appropriate day, since I won't actually have much of one today. I guess if you count the time since midnight I got to watch a movie, but other than that, I'm just going to be here at the law school. I woke to an alert on my phone saying there was low visibility due to snow. Awesome. So I biked/walked to my 8:00 class. Luckily, I knew the lady who gives us powerpoint presentations on legal writing always brings cookies, so I skipped breakfast. So maybe it is like a birthday. I had like six cookies because there were leftovers. It's a bit unfortunate that the highlight of my day occurred so early, but hey, at least there was a highlight. I plan on making a foray to the cafe around 3:30 to scope out possible pickings there too. So there's at least a chance I wind up eating sugar for the majority of my food consumed.

All of my classes today were incredibly boring. Also, in legal writing we are discussing statutory interpretation, in criminal law we are discussing statutory interpretation, and the title of my last class: Statutory Interpretation. Go figure. The fact that they don't know how to clear streets here means it's not worth it to go home between now and my last class. And I'm still a bit bitter about missing handball for it, but like I was discussing with David at league, it's not like the club at the university is making me better at handball. I dread admitting it, but I really only go for the social aspect. Brrrgh.

So in the meantime, I suppose I'll finish up this tripartite post. And since I saved a lot for last, it might take a while. I might trim and post another entry of leftovers/amusement in a bit. Actually, let's plan on that. It will be a postscript post. Also, now I have a title for that post. And the entry after that will, naturally, be my "post 'postscript post' post." Awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkbWIfP3mLw
This guy is from South Africa and realized he was racist. He says that sharing secrets is a great way to get back to living. Share your big secrets and get on with your life. I don't know what my biggest secret is. I'm not opposed to sharing secrets, but I certainly feel more comfortable sharing one on one than on the internet. That being said, I totally get what this guy is saying: sharing them does make you feel more alive. I have shared secrets. And by that, I mean I have shared things I wouldn't normally consider sharing with people to whom I don't feel really connected. They might not be secrets, I suppose. There's a fine line between private and secret. Obviously the stranger I meet on the street has no desire to hear about how my night was last night, much less the inner turmoil I feel. So am I keeping a secret by responding vaguely? (The secret-sharing "point/lecture" of the talk occurs around 16 minutes in.) All in all, a pretty decent talk, from the beginning anecdote to the main point. I have started another post that will go up along with this. I'd include it here, but I started it and it got too long.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjjlsW1MDmc
This man's introduction starts with a confession: he did drugs, killed a man who tried to molest him, and wound up in prison. His personal story is about how he went from no high school degree to a post-graduate degree while in prison. But the bigger point is about figuring out what your "personal prison" is and breaking out of it. He has five steps that aren't that interesting. So skip from minute 3:00 to 6:00. The only thing he says is that his eyes were opened when a safe-cracker demonstrated that a tennis ball and a heavy ash tray his the ground at the same time when dropped. So he wanted to educate himself. His story resumes at 6:55. Significant things he says: figure out why you want to change, not why others want you to. Pretty basic, right? But finding a personal impetus has always been a challenge for me. He goes back to his 5-step description at 8:45. His point at this time is that you need to actually make a change. Surprise, right? But as a procrastinator, I again sympathized. He even discusses wanting to be a writer, setting specific goals, of page numbers rather than "writing a book" which is too general. He resumes his narrative at 10:15 for those not interested in the silly steps. While this speech is a bit cheesy (he relapses into his 5-point program again at 11:15, coming out at 12:15) and accompanied by stupid generic slideshow images, I suppose my desire to find something I'm happy with has compensated for my normal lack of interest in these sorts of speeches. I still think his story is cool, though. He still doesn't sound like a guy with a doctorate. 14:40 relapses back into cheesy motivational speech stuff for the remainder.

If you're wondering, my intense need to justify linking these videos was prompted by my mother, who said she watched one of the ones in a previous post and thought it was bad. So now I'm watching them with a more critical eye, and yeah, they are "bad." But you know what? They motivate me anyway. So I'm sharing them anyway. And the stories behind the cheesy things they are saying are interesting. And I need to ingrain the cheesy things. So for me it's like killing two birds with one stone, while for the people reading this who don't have the same stupid problems I have it's like watching a cool-looking bird (the interesting personal story) trying to fly while carrying a heavy rock (the cheesy stuff) for no reason.

So as a result of that video and others provided in the previous posts, I have decided to cling to my creative side (what little of it there is). I want to write, but I know I might not have time for it during law school. This makes setting goals hard. I plan on writing here, of course, so maybe I could make time for it. I'll think about it. Nope! I can't procrastinate any more. I'm going to write for sure. I just need to figure out my goals. I am trying though. It helps even more when people request me to write. (Hint hint.) I included the result of a request in an upcoming post (check tomorrow, I think?)

I just got back from the cafe. I grabbed a doughnut and a muffin, continuing my free sugar streak (much different than a sugar-free streak). They also had soda that had expired. It turned out to be the one kind I would consider drinking (Coke Zero), so I grabbed a couple. I'm very gradually making my way through one right now. So fizzy! It says it has caffeine, so I'll probably be up late tonight. Which will be good, since I want to type even more. I'll save the second for a time when I need to get an assignment done late at night. It shouldn't last long.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgMbUj-FqBg
This guy's talk starts out awesome. Again, this is relative. It reminds me a lot of myself (surprise), in that when I was writing my resume, I realized I sounded pretty good on paper. Then it continues, and I thought 'I had struggled in a similar way. He says his realization that the universe was unintentional is what led to his depression, which is pretty much what I feel. Of course, it wasn't me giving up closely-held ideas that triggered my "depression," but I sympathize with the sentiment. What I liked most was his psychiatrist's response to his request for medication. "You want me to put you on medication because you're intellectual?" He said that he was engaged in a process that would only be slowed down on drugs. I'm not sure that I'm involved in this process, but perhaps these recent entries are my attempt to break out, to go on with the process. I can't imagine ever thinking I've figured things out, and I certainly don't think I will be hearing voices like in this guy's illustration. This seemed to be his way of putting meaning back into life, while I don't have that compulsion. Perhaps this is because I didn't undergo some extreme "giving up" of this belief like he did. So the stuff after XXXXX becomes irrelevant, and he goes off the deep end a bit sometime around the ten-minute mark. I don't mind his idea of conflict between the conscious and subconscious, but he makes it sound a bit weird. He concludes by saying that depression is necessary, because it lets us know when our lives are insignificant and motivates us to make them significant. This is a pretty bold claim. I'm not opposed to believing that my life to this point has been insignificant, but like I said, I don't think that anything I do will magically solve the periods where I'm struggling. Also, I don't think there has been much correlation between the "level" of life I'm leading and when I struggle. I've gone weeks without a problem while being lazy, been freaked out for days at a time while being productive, and vice-versa. It occurs to me around this point that I will probably find some aspect in any person with which to sympathize. I should be more discriminating in the criteria I use to select a link to share. Also, I want my mother to approve.

That said, I watched another video that didn't even make the cut these other ones did. There was an interesting quote though: you don't change things by fighting the current system; you change them by coming up with a system that makes the current one obsolete.

That's pretty cool. I have no idea if it's true or not, but it sounds awesome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4Xw76SsHOM
Back to finding people with which to sympathize: this lady totally did what I did! Went to grad school on a whim, searching for meaning, putting herself on a path rather than living with her parents. Like me, she hasn't found some mystical path. She reached the conclusion that "finding yourself" is a myth and we should focus on the moment. Her biggest fear is dying without living in the present. There's really no need to watch this. I'm just supplying the link in case you don't believe me when I tell you what it's about. Will I reach the same conclusion she does? I doubt it. I already feel like I am trying to appreciate the present. I pause frequently to look around and take stock of things. I'm just always sure there's something I could do to improve it, so I press forward again. Even today, while eating sugar-crystal-coated blueberry muffin, I paused and just looked out the window thinking about a variety of things. Snow can be pretty, you know? So yeah, to sum up, don't watch this, but I'm not alone in my (maybe foolish) decisions!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLg46AVDD_Q
This person's search for passion led her to realize that failure was her passion. At least her temporary passion. (She worked on a four-year project and made it work through some difficulty, which she realized others would think was an example of passion, but never felt the stereotypical "passion" emotion.) As with any research, it's good to get all sides. These last two contrast with the ones before that assert firmly (inspiringly!) that passion is a real thing, but all of them are cliche
Around 6:00 into this video she discusses "dabbling," excelling at things initially and then switching when people start catching up. It rung a bit of a bell with me. That's about all that's relevant here. The book she cites about "dabbling" has a solution: learn to love the challenge. Which is obviously not helpful. It just restates the problem. The solution to every problem is "solve the problem." So she says to make failure humorous. She imagined the worst-case scenario and figured if she could laugh it off, failure couldn't be that intimidating. For me, that would be "drop out of law school, start writing, fail at that... then... ?" There isn't really a tangible downside to failure. It just puts me back to square one. Of course, by waiting a couple years, I will have a law degree to fall back on, so I still intend to finish my classes while trying to pursue as much as I can outside the classroom. She took her failure a step further to illustrate the failure: event a failure, friends read about it on the leading website and stop being her friends, becomes broke, moves back in with parents, etc. and then demonstrated the ridiculousness: her friends don't read websites, they would still be her friends, she gets along well with her parents, and she has her old job to go back to. Well, yup, all of that applies to me (assuming I can sneakily move back into my parents' house while they're not looking). So there's literally nothing holding me back. There really hasn't ever been anything holding me back, of course. And there probably never will be anything holding me back from anything. But it's good to remember that occasionally.

So I just got done with class and biked back to my apartment. Here are some things that seemed blog-able from that period of time:

I was going to make some snide comment about how not having my birthday on Facebook really shows you who your friends are. Then I realized that all my friends are smart/lazy enough that they know they don't have to remember, because Facebook does that for them. So never mind.

I discovered this really cool thing today. Don't worry about the circumstances. So if I don't brake at all, I can just dismount my bike from (nearly) full speed. This is because the streets are so poorly cleared that what happens is I wind up sliding on my feet. It's like an even more awesome version of taking a running start at a patch of ice. I'm taking a biking start, and the whole road is my patch of ice. (The circumstances were: I was biking, I don't have a light, I looked back and saw headlights, I wasn't sure if they saw me, I am a very defensive biker around here (especially in snowy conditions), I hopped off thinking I would run next to my bike, I slid instead, and it was awesome.)

My classmate was talking to me about the six people from our section and said he was quickly figuring out our roles. I said "Yeah, Greg's the outgoing nice jock-y guy, and I'm the confrontational asshole!" He didn't disagree.

Anyway, back to the task at hand. I am going to make time to be creative, write, etc. I'm going to commit to it. I'm going to set specific goals. It's going to be scary, and I'm going to do it anyway.

The thing that really drove me to decide this is a thing I need to do is actually sort of silly. It will probably come as no surprise to anyone that it's competitive at its root. So this youtube-r Alex Day wrote a book last year. He says he doesn't even remember why, but he chose the topic of the London Underground (subway system) and wrote a book about it. And he got an agent, and it getting it published. My first reaction was: if he can do it, I can do it. He's writing about a train system for god's sake. It's nonfiction! Surely I can write a more interesting thing than that. Now granted, he has a million subscribers on YouTube, so finding the agent/publisher was probably a lot easier for him than it might (will?) be for me, but still, he WROTE A BOOK! He was describing his process, and he said he wanted to write six pages a day. He further said he usually started early in the morning and finished by noon. He further said that his rough draft pages were crap. I think that's the part I might be hung up on. I don't like writing bad stuff, even if I know I'm going to go back and make it better. I'm afraid I'll get too detail-oriented and be left frustrated when I can't get the small stuff out, and it will discourage the big picture from being realized. I can't decide whether I want to outline. I have never outlined anything, but I want something to fall back on if I feel lost as to what to write about. Referring back to an outline and being able to write different sections in different moods sounds really advantageous. So here's the goal: five pages by Saturday night. This is my birthday present to myself. I'm setting this goal, starting it in motion, and I'm going to write something. I have no idea what yet. It might be short story. It might be a long poem. It might be two medium poems. It might be a chapter. It might be train of thought style description if I really can't think of anything. But I will have written five pages by Saturday night (let's say by 11:00). I will link to them in this blog. I will hold myself accountable. You should hold me accountable. I'm going to do it. I'm not kidding.

Thanks for reading.

PS: I realized a lot of the videos I liked had nothing to do with being inspired other than the people talking were interesting and motivated me to be interesting also. They will be in the upcoming post along with a bunch of other random stuff. So this turned out to be a lot less YouTube-y and more me-y, but I think that's fine. Also, the reason it's not up yet is because I wanted to get all the related posts up together. I reference my "secrets" post here, and I reference my relationship-oriented post in that one, so it took a while. All in all, I have written around 6,000 words so far today, and I haven't really started the last post yet. So if it's not up as you're reading this, cut me some slack.

PPS: This uncharacteristic level of activity brought to you by: sugar. And my determination. My determination mostly to do something I wanted to do during my birthday, but more than that, my determination to finally be in pursuit of writing seriously. So I'm serious. Hold me accountable. If I'm not at least telling you I have been writing, text me or something. If I'm making excuses, call me out on it. If I give up? Well, I hope there's some way you can force me, but there's probably not. Try not to let me give up. I really do want this. It's weird committing without a subject to write about. But I've been trying to come up with "the idea" for years. It's not happening. So I decided to start with the writing and let the idea come second. Let's do it.

YouTube (part 2)

Okay, back at it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzGkqG9BtYA
This guy starts his actual talking point around 2:40 in. Before that he is sharing a bit about himself, which isn't totally worthless, but not really why I watched.
The basic idea is that 25% of people feel fundamentally different than others. Oddly, he says both groups feel like their view on the subject (whether people feel the same or different than each other) is universal. I thought that was interesting. Also, I liked his quote from George Bernard Shaw: "...The unreasonable man persists in adapting the world to himself. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people." He then goes on to discuss how the two groups of people can communicate more effectively with each other, which becomes the main point. So overall, the video isn't that great, but I liked those couple quotes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXUh3wNnFrw
Again, this speech wasn't fantastic all the way through. He begins by talking about his grandfather, how he died early, prompting him to really focus on living a good life, because people don't always live to 80 or whatever they think they'll live to. His points are:
1) Thinking about ourselves as innately special (how parents raise their kids these days) leads to entitlement, separation, and makes us scared of failure (because it means we won't be living up to our "special" categorization). Furthermore, specialness isn't enough without hard work, so we shouldn't worry about it.
2) We are all seen as crazy to someone. Also, officially, 46% of people get diagnosed with mental illness. But crazy people make good leaders in times of crisis, because they're so used to shit hitting the fan that it doesn't faze them. Depressed people are better at sympathizing. Manics are productive because they don't sleep. MLK Jr. and Gandhi both attempted suicide. So we should be proud of our craziness.
3) Confirmation bias is bad. An interesting study shows that people are so desperate to have made the right decision they will down-vote the alternative they didn't choose for no good reason (little surprise there).
4) We worry about the wrong things. Common activities are more likely to kill us than extreme things that get news coverage. We are terrible at risk assessment. Again, Nike has it right. Just do it.
5) 27% of americans have a bachelor's degree, 42% never read another book after graduating, 80% of households don't purchase a book in a given year. Stupid in, stupid out.
6) After $75,000 per household, happiness is not increased. Having the means to live is different than having meaning to live for.
7) Humans are twice as upset about a loss as they are happy about a gain, so we make excuses not to pursue dreams.

I like most of these. Also, now you don't have to watch the video, because I'm pretty sure I covered just about everything. I don't know if you're catching on, but it really seems like there's this theme of just getting off your ass and doing something. Also, not being afraid of messing up recurs regularly.

I'm going to go out of order to avoid the ones I feel will force me to write things I'm not sure I'm ready for. So here are some cool Ted Talks. It's too late for me to think about the serious stuff right now. (Excuses)

For those interested in cycling:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07o-TASvIxY
This guy investigates the ramifications of helmet requirements.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhey6x8CRe8
While I'm in North Carolina, maybe I should pick one of these crazy trikes up.

For those interested in being inspired:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0td5aw1KXA
This woman was born with a brain problem. She was able to design exercises to overcome it. It's called neuroplasticity, and it is awesome.

For those interested in people who are great at speaking:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ln-TNw6zt4
This guy is hilarious. His talk is great. There's not much more to say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jX2btaDOBK8
Same with this guy. I'm not sure I really agree with everything, but he's so good at talking! I also feel like the point he's making is so generic that he could have applied it to anything. It seems to me like he might be just jumping on the nutrition bandwagon because people are concerned about the obesity problem.

For people more interested in poetry than Ted Talks:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwNiYFlHmWs
The mic is a bit distorted, but oh man, was this a powerful performance. Sometimes I wonder if I could write this sort of thing if the experience hadn't actually happened to me. I'm not trying to say this guy did. It certainly doesn't feel that way. But I am always looking for topics, and stuff like this just doesn't occur to me because I have so little experience with it. Am I even allowed to try? Would that make me a liar, or just a writer? I can't make up my mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-F_Pu8Yyd8
Some of this seemed really good. I like the self-reference and honesty for sure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEGaNSWc0jY
How could I not include this here after hearing it? I mean, he talks about trouble sleeping and how a girl helps him out. I can sympathize. Man, do I miss that.

I'll probably pick up on this similar note tomorrow. For now, I'm going to try to fall asleep. Thanks for reading!

YouTube interlude

If I'm not mistaken, this is my 150th post on this blog! While that's not that impressive considering how long I've had it, it still feels like a bit of a milestone. Speaking of milestones, it is also my sister's birthday! Happy birthday Sarah! And with that, off to the races (or some other cliche, if you'd rather):

Today I did something foolish. I tried out for the Minnesota Wind Chill. I figured "It's only a couple miles away, and at the very least, I'll get to play some high level ultimate." Nope. Well, it wasn't any further away, but so many people showed up that by the time we were done with the fitness testing, we only had time to scrimmage for an hour. So it was a bit of a waste, since there's no real way for me to stand out from a crowd that big when the team will obviously be returning a good chunk of their players. I was almost exactly average when it came to fitness. Which was cool, since I haven't been doing anything to get in shape for these things. I broad jumped 8ft 4.5in, ran my 40 in 5.25, ran my short shuttle in 4.33, and had a 24in vertical. The worst of these is obviously my 40, but don't worry, I have an excuse. I missed a step in my start. Man, the start is everything in that drill. Also, I'm slow. I might be able to break 5 seconds on a great day, but I'll never be fast. We then did a throwing drill, which was pretty generic. I didn't throw particularly well, but I never saw anyone looking my way, and I certainly didn't throw badly. I mean, it was indoors! How are they going to judge throwing ability? We did a three-man mark drill to focus on handler defense. I handblocked my man more than 1/3 of the time, while only getting handblocked twice myself. Again, I never saw anyone looking my way. We scrimmaged for 40 minutes. I threw no turns and played very conservatively, because they explicitly told us to. It was unremarkable. We ran the pacer. For five minutes, we jogged back and forth. Then it accelerated ridiculously quickly, catching everyone unawares and I was one of like six people left. Then I was one of two people left. Then I failed, and either the other guy failed at the same time or one increment after. But again, it felt like nobody took it seriously. Then we scrimmaged for ten minutes. I threw a turn because 1) it was the right decision, 2) I felt like I hadn't been noticed and I didn't want to swing the disc again, and 3) I executed poorly because I hadn't thrown deep in hours. Excuses, excuses. Basically, I was frustrated, because I felt like I fit in at that level of frisbee, but I am quite sure I will not make the team. There are what, like five spots available to be filled by 45 guys? I don't like my chances.

I can brush that all off. I can say that it doesn't matter, because I'm better at handball anyway, and frisbee would just be distracting from that. But the truth is that I cared. I will no doubt shrug and say it's no big deal, and in the big scheme of things, it really isn't. But I cared while I was there, and I'm frustrated. I know I didn't condition for the combine, that I haven't played frisbee anywhere near regularly, and that if I was amazing I probably would have been noticed. I really do know all that. But to feel like I could play with the rest of those guys and still know I won't have the opportunity to prove myself further is frustrating. On my registration form I did say I would be okay making the practice team. Maybe I'll have that opportunity., I don't know. I also don't know what that would entail. These are just my initial thoughts on the topic. And since I've droned on so long, I'll get back on track with my originally-intended YouTube stuff in my next post.

Thanks for reading!