Procrastinating, take two (thousand)

So this interesting thing happened. I was feeling pretty terrible about my life, so I did what I usually do. I wallowed for an hour or so, and then I looked things up. What had other people done in my situation? What did people say about the problems I'm having? What interesting things are vaguely related and pop up in the YouTube sidebar that will distract me from wallowing? All part of a fairly natural progression for me. And then, having watched all the videos I could conveniently find, I started watching random stuff. See, I had made up my mind to write a post on here explaining my reaction to the interesting (and motivational) videos I watched in the wake of feeling bad. But then I realized that when I wrote that post, I was going to be sharing a lot of stuff. And that I was going to be making some real commitments. And that scared me. So for the past two hours I have been watching drivel. Well, what feels like drivel after the stuff I spent all of yesterday watching in an effort to figure out what to do next. So this post is itself procrastination. Unless I just start off on the post I had intended to be previewing here. How about that? Let's make this part one, and break the pattern of procrastination? So without further ado, YouTube: Part One:

A Girl Who Reads:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmEbF2uhsZk
I favorited this video a while ago. I love the rhythm. I don't necessarily love the adherence to rhyme, but the poem is good enough. And by clicking on this as a distraction, I was off to the races. The sidebar yielded this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2Ks06Al8c0
Not directly, of course. I heard some other poems in between the two that I didn't include here. I wasn't sure I was going to include this one either, just because his emotion makes me uncomfortable, but again, the poem passed the test. The "I wish you were here" postcard transitioning into his lecture about how war sucks was amazing.

That transitioned into this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zz630krJWoE
Which is just hilarious. The guy's poem doesn't quite stand on its own, but man, his presentation is superb.

And lo and behold, the name Ted Talk was in the sidebar. And with that, I transitioned from seeking distraction to an interest in discovery. I spent the next four hours straight watching 20-minute talks about anything that might seem relevant to any trouble I'd had recently. And boy, were there a lot of them. I don't know whether that means I've been having a lot of troubles, or whether that means I'm insecure, so I only think I've been having a lot of troubles, or if it just means that there are a lot of videos out there and YouTube is just that good at figuring out what a person might want to watch next. But it's possible that the following videos could change my life. Undoubtedly, if I let them change my life, they have the power to do so. But enough of that. I'll be responding to them individually anyway. Let's just jump in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKHTawgyKWQ
This is awesome! I like the first two to ten minutes the most, in case you want to conserve some time. It's too easy to relate to this, obviously. I particularly like the part where he says that people come up to him all the time and say they have an interest. He says "That's wonderful... now find 20 interests. Passion is more than that. It's your greatest love." (The anecdote about the sweetie is hilarious!) It moves on to hiding behind excuses. I don't know if you know this, but apparently this is a theme for motivational speakers: A large amount of people who attend motivational talks lack motivation! So invariably these people talk about being afraid of failure, hiding behind excuses, etc. So immediately after hearing this, I swore I wouldn't hide behind excuses. And then I clicked on another video... Because that's totally not an excuse... And then I wrote this very entry as a sort of segue into the real post. But I'm trying to get to the point; I really am. I just need to describe all these videos first...

Damn. Well, I'll indulge my fears a little longer. On with the show!

In the sidebar, I saw a caption about suicide. Still fascinated by the topic, I clicked. Here is that video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1QoyTmeAYw
And you know what? I'm not like this guy at all! That was encouraging. He describes his suicide attempts as an attempt to gain control over a life he felt was beyond his ability to affect. I have always felt very in control of my life. While I know what he means when he talks about his perception narrowing, I'm glad that my reaction is different. Encouraged that at least the point of my life wasn't to commit suicide, I continued clicking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVsXO9brK7M
80% of Yale grads were unhappy at the speaker's 25 year reunion. It turned out the humanities people who studied classes for the joy of learning were the ones that were happy. So I think I did something right! This may be a prime example of confirmation bias. I mean, there are probably a ton of videos I've ignored that say the opposite, and I'm just pulling this out as an example because it makes me look good, but I'm actually still happy with how I spent my undergrad career. The things he says are important for discovering your life purpose are knowing yourself, what you do, who you do it for, what they want, how they change as a result? He emphasizes focusing on being outward-facing, not focusing on what makes you happy, but on what makes the people around you happy. As you may have guessed, this wasn't quite what I was hoping to find when I was looking for a way to ascertain my life's purpose. I mean, I certainly don't mind doing things for other people (most of the time?), but it's hardly a basic part of my decision-making process. Also, I didn't quite like how the first part of his speech talked about how people were happier with their majors when they focused on what they wanted (a thing I was totally ready to sympathize with), and then switched over to thinking about what they did for others. I mean, shouldn't that logic have applied to their choice of major, then? I don't know, it just felt like something that didn't mesh with me naturally. So I kept looking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLt_yDvdeLQ
This was about a writer! I was interested, but it turned out that his process involved working over 50 jobs while wandering the globe, and that it all just "fell into place" eventually. This was not that helpful. I have no inclination for that. The second part of his talk focuses on an innate inclination that we are aware of from birth. This was also unhelpful. Sure, he said to trust my instinct, and if I didn't feel right, move on immediately. At least he was focusing on being internally driven as opposed to the guy before, but it still wasn't helpful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb0h8ZKvJW4
Finally! Something useful. I actually seriously considered doing this, but I really hate the shower here. Also, I have this delusion that I am capable of mentally grasping the point without having to put the theory into practice. Of course, this seems ridiculous when one considers the whole point was that you have to condition yourself through repetition, but I'm egotistical enough to think I can get it anyway. See, the thing is, when I have to do something, I do it. Sure, I hate talking to strangers in forced environments. I hate calling people about things. I hated my client interview. But that doesn't mean I am scared or lack confidence. On the contrary, I know I can do these things. When it comes to things I don't have to do, however, I find no trouble rationalizing my way around whatever it is, even if I know on some level it is the "right" thing to do. The project for myself, then, becomes looking at personal happiness (in my career, as well as my day to day life) as something necessary. I feel quite strongly that once I take this to heart, things will improve. Law school is helping, for exactly the reason I don't like this semester much: it is forcing me out of my comfort zone. I will be conducting interview-style situations many times this semester, even arguing in front of a real judge on two occasions, and I am dreading it. But I will do it. And I will do it well. And on the other side, I will be ever so slightly less averse to the things I find uncomfortable. So I'll skip the cold showers until I have a bathroom more to my liking. (Yup, still procrastinating) Having braced myself that things were going to be uncomfortable, I forged ahead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWxMDdLey0E
This started to get relevant at the 6:50 mark, where she starts talking about tests for general life happiness. The obituary test: work backward from your death; what do you want to be known for?
Get comfortable with discomfort: sing in public, go to a restaurant alone (without distraction), backward elevator (face inward instead of at the door).
Evaluate goals, what you do, and why you do it (same as that guy with his Yale alumni).
Income volatility: figure out how much you spend, try living on different percentages. (not relevant for me)
Problem solve for others at their jobs.
Announce your farewell party from your life to make yourself accountable to your friends.
This blog is a way of holding myself accountable. I would try the money thing, but I think I'm almost living at the minimum as it is. But looking backward from my death, it's even more clear to me that I don't have any desire for being known as a good lawyer. I mean, I guess it might be cool if I were a great lawyer, arguing before the Supreme Court, but that's still not a passion as much as it is a desire to have status. When I think of being an author like the ones I love (Heinlein, Pratchett, Stephen King (currently)), it's a different story. Even being known as a great handball (or frisbee, in some weird universe where that's possible) sounds more appealing to me on a visceral level than arguing about the law. So at least on a relative scale, I need to be refocusing. This isn't to say that I will be dropping out of law school. But I plan on changing some things.

I went on. I will continue with more videos in my next post. But in between the ones about my "passion," "life meaning," and other topics we'll get to shortly, I found some that were great just because they were great talks. Here is one example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRVdiHu1VCc
The first 10-15 minutes of this are really good. He's got a great story and tells it well. While not great in how it relates to me, this is a great illustration of a guy acknowledging how wrong he was. And he's quite funny, which never hurt anything.

Here's one that I watched in case it said anything relevant for my now-retired dad (congratulations!):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGgoCm1hofM
It didn't say anything that wasn't really common sense, but I hope my parents have a plan that accounts for these things. Mostly for selfish reasons, of course. Stick around you guys! I love you.

And with that, I will sleep a bit before the next installment of the Australian Open (gosh darn that Federer guy not being able to play tennis against Nadal). Thanks for reading!