I could write a whole book using this experience. I guess that's where focus comes from. Something to tie it all together. Something significant enough to yield perspective.
Why do people only take you seriously if it's something serious?
Why couldn't a trip to the grocery store be an event to tie a life together? I suppose there's something to be said for people showing their true colors in a crisis. My true colors are nonexistent. I am what is needed.
The book would start with the crash. That's the important part. I would talk about how I saw his wheel overlap the one in front of him, how I saw him wiggle. How I saw contact. How he jerked his bike away, exactly like everyone does. How he panicked, and overcompensated for his too-sudden reaction.
When I saw him crash, all I thought was "yup, I saw that coming." I've seen it before. I will see it again. People rub wheels. The person behind falls over. That's how it works. It almost always happens in those three steps. Contact, jerk away, overcompensate and fall. I braked, ready to tend to some road rash.
Then the car hit him.
I hadn't even heard it. I went from "well, now he knows what happens when you rub wheels" to "oh shit, he's dead" in one second.
I could have a flashback to how people fall off bikes all the time. How my girlfriend fell into a ditch on one of her first group rides. How she got up trembling. I enjoyed supporting her then. I had a lot of supporting to do now.
I ran over. The blood was already everywhere. When I saw it coming out of his mouth, I knew the internal damage was too much. Then I saw his head, and I figured he was probably never even awake.
Blood everywhere. Like I said in my previous post.
Cyclists hurt themselves all the time. It seems they only really die when vehicles get involved.
People on facebook are already using this as a prop for their own propaganda. Kim West says it's bikers versus cars, and others are agreeing.
I have no idea how fast the lady was going that hit him. Probably over the speed limit. She was passing in a no passing zone. I honestly don't think either of those things had much to do with anything. A car could just as easily have been coming from the other direction. He could have rubbed wheels in a passing zone.
This wasn't anyone's fault. It was everyone's fault. I don't care which. They mean the same thing.
I asked my dad if there was anything I could do. He said I didn't have to do anything, and that I was there too. I responded that I assumed he felt more responsible than I did. He said "the buck stops with me." I said, "The buck stops with you, with the kid, with his parents, with the motorist, with everyone in the group. Everyone gets a penny."
I will gladly bear my penny. Nobody should carry 100 percent.
A girl (can I say girl, when she was probably around my age?) got out of one of the first few cars to stop and said she was a medic (or had some training, or something like that). I skipped some stuff. I skipped how my dad was giving mouth to mouth, coated with blood. On our ride home I wondered how he would eat after that taste. I feel awkward writing this because I don't want him to think about it. I skipped over how I took the phone from my borderline-hysteric mother and tried to give information. How I dropped the phone as soon as the lady on the line said I could and started giving chest compressions. I skipped how it was the worst tease watching the vacuum I created suck air back in, making it look like he was breathing.
The girl took over for me, but not before she said "oh my god, he's just a kid." I wondered why it mattered. Would it be more reasonable to see me lying there? My parents? How old does a person have to be to die? I thought I could write a poem all about that one line. I still might.
I was happy to leave the kid. I didn't feel selfish. I almost wrote I felt selfish. The truth is, the kid didn't matter. My mom mattered. The twin sister mattered. The parents mattered. My dad mattered, but he was busy, and I knew he could matter in a little while.
I couldn't decide whether to just hug my mom or give her tasks to try and keep her busy. I alternated. I hugged her first.
My mantra became "It wasn't your fault; it wasn't anybody's fault." Believing in determinism sure helps sometimes, when it's not busy being the most depressing thought in my head. After we hugged for a while, I told her we needed to take care of the girl. Nobody knew what that meant. My mom did a good job. She coated everything in the right language. She even managed to compliment the girl's riding, which for some reason seemed to help. I don't know why. I would not have been comforted. I am not normal. That is a theme for my book.
I also would have seen through the language. She asked, "will he be okay?" and was met with "they're doing everything they can," and "help is on the way." Translation: No. She was not bilingual. When she figured out what the words meant fifteen minutes later, her scream hit me. I paused. If I had a heart, it would have broken.
I could flashback to how I have wanted to cry so many times in my life. How I cherished the times I did cry, because it felt like I was finally doing what I was supposed to. Once, I started crying and I just kept thinking of sad things in an effort to keep going. The most effective, though, was just repeating what had set me off in the first place. My mom had told me she needed to be able to control me. That idea offended me to my core. It shook me. I had genuinely believed that the whole process was supposed to be a gradual building toward adulthood (read: freedom). Apparently, it had all been a struggle for control. A battle to limit liability. I value independence. I could tie this in to the ongoing narrative by saying how I believe everyone should get to make their own decisions, no matter how stupid. Or admit that my mom may have been right, because I survived, and the freedom this kid was granted terminated with his, well, termination. I don't think she was right though. But it's a good segue. And people like hearing that kids don't know better than their parents. Reinforcing the status quo and all that.
I haven't cried since a week or two after my girlfriend broke up with me. I tried to make myself cry right after the phone call ended, but again, it happened exactly as I had imagined. It's hard to cry when things go as expected. And when things happen over the phone. I spend a lot of time constructing hypotheticals and picturing how I would react to them. My reaction was not as planned when it came to love. Despite having braced myself, that pillar being gone needed more compensation than I could provide, and after weeks of sleep-deprived striving, searching for answers, I succumbed. I knew time was the only real solution, but time has a funny way of not being rushed. Watching a kid die, though, went exactly according to my imagined scenarios. So, no tears. My heart wrenched, then carried on through the second and third screams.
The ambulance took forever to get there. The police all knew he was dead, but wouldn't tell his twin sister until the parents showed up. Which meant her hopes were somehow surviving. I knew that was bad. I didn't do anything. I think I should have. If anyone should have, it was me. He had a sheet over him for a while before the parents showed up. The screams occurred as I was scrubbing blood into my hands. Some of it came off. The rest turned brown.
Will my dad's glasses always be the glasses he had to wipe blood off of? Or is he like me? Are they just glasses?
Our consoling/distracting/misleading of the girl was over. I hugged my mom. I rationalized in response to whatever she said.
I pointed out that the day before she had asked me how I couldn't believe in God (I found a free place to stay next year, or rather, it found me, like things usually do). I had responded with "what about the kids he kills?" That might be too perfect, even for a book. The truth is stupid that way.
The riders powwowed. We briefly discussed what had happened. I stuck to my mantra: nobody's fault, everybody's fault. We tried to figure out whose wheel he hit. I advocated for "he hit 1/7 of all of our wheels." The group seemed okay with that. It was my dad's wheel. I forgot about that, because he wasn't in our powwow. I looked up, and he was with the parents. I wondered if that was a task to distract my mom. She declined. I walked over. My dad was crying. I finally felt a bit weird for not crying. We awkwardly put our arms around each other. A friend once expressed his surprise at the Pesch family touching, as though it was a rare observation of an endangered species. We don't have much practice. Maybe this is our chance to get good.
I walked a few steps and asked what my dad had said. He didn't have the words. I asked if I should say something. He said there weren't words. I told him to take care of mom and turned back around anyway. The dad was stone-faced. Was he like me? Or was he in shock? Or was he some other variety? I approached and he asked me if I saw what happened. I told him everything, and he double checked that the kid had crashed before he was hit. I confirmed. He nodded. Then things got awkward. I am great at relaying facts. Not great at relaying condolences. I started by being defensive, because that's obviously what a grieving parent wants to hear. I absolved my parents of responsibility, and then, coming to my senses, said we would do anything we could for them. I bid a retreat. It wasn't hasty. I clenched my fists because I knew I could have done better, but I knew turning around was not an option.
I found the girl who had jumped in. I thanked her. I figured she was the one who had most likely been overlooked. She was surprised. I felt good again.
The group was fragmenting. I tracked down bicycles. My dad's was the hardest. He had thrown it eight feet into a ditch. I hadn't seen that part. I could only imagine his reaction. I didn't want to imagine it in too much detail. My mind is safer than putting myself in his. This held true for the parents. It holds true even for my future self. I can induce panic attacks in myself just by imagining how scared I will be when I die. I can skirt the edge of despair by imagining my parent's dying. I alternate between hoping I die first and my normal self-interest. I have gotten better at living in the present. I feel guilty for living in the present. I owe it to myself to prepare for these things like I have for children dying and for blood pouring out of bodies. Why are they so much harder?
I ran the girl's bike up the road to a minivan. I found my mom's helmet across the road. We were going to ride back. I wanted to ride back. I wanted to do something. A police officer asked for a final statement. I gave it. I told the story again. He looked helpless. He kept asking to hold our bikes, as if having his hands full would make him less useless. We had things under control. He still had blue rubber gloves on. When he finished, I thanked him for everything (nothing?) and reached out to shake his hand. He hesitated. I could see him thinking he didn't want to get my hands dirty in case his gloves were dirty. He saw me thinking come on man, like you're going to get my hands dirty? Did you not see my hands? We shook. We rode off.
Or, we tried to ride off. Our shoes didn't fit our pedals. We had driven rocks and mud into them. I cleaned my mom's shoes like my sister used to clean horses' hooves. The same for my dad. They took off. It was just me and the police officer. I propped my foot on my bike seat and cleaned my cleats out. I thought about saying See, my hands are dirty now anyway. I didn't. Just rode off.
I tried to muster up disgust when I saw a news camera, but I didn't care that much. Sure, why not.
We talked a bit, though we didn't really say anything.
I stuck to my mantra. Accidents happen all the time. Another case of wrong place, wrong time.
The worst was when silence fell. I got to thinking. It turned out, I was hungry. I broke the ice, "Sooo... I'm not really sure how to say this..." My mom just nodded, ready for things to "get real." "But what do we want for dinner?" She laughed. She caught herself. She said she wasn't eating.
Eventually I wound up making pizza. I advocate for continuing on with our lives as normal. I know I can. It's harder when they can't, but I think I can manage anyway. In the meantime, I will do everything I can to make things easier until they are as close to normal as possible. Just bear our pennies and move on.
There were couple of attempts to elicit from me some reaction. I heard my dad tell my mom I was acting strong. My mom told me I didn't need to. I'm not. I asked my dad if he wanted to talk. He asked me if I wanted to talk. I said we all know I don't talk. Obviously what I meant is that I do my talking here.
And that's pretty much the story of how my night went. Like I said in my other post, it feels so weird that it's a story. It's already just a thing I've experienced. Is this me separating myself, compartmentalizing? It doesn't feel like it. Am I too rational? It feels like it. But it sure comes in handy sometimes.
If I've made this sound too self-aggrandizing I apologize. I don't mean to take away from the amazing things other people did in this crisis. My dad was incredible, and the other members of our group all did the best they could and performed admirably in my opinion. I can't imagine what the family is going through, and I don't want to. It's possible that part of the reason I'm so eager to do things for people is that this has made me appreciate my family more, but I'm not sure about that yet. I may write more, I may not. I might not return to this subject for a long time. I might write 20 pages tomorrow. If ever there was a time to play it by ear, I think this is it.
When Sarah joined the military I sometimes wondered what she would do if she saw action and had to watch someone die. I never thought my hands would be bloody first. Weird how things work out.
I'm afraid people won't think I'm actually okay. My mom asked, and I responded with "I am as okay as I ever was." Which is true. Which may have frightened her a bit. It's like how you give work to busy people because they know how to get work done. Give the shit to me. I'm going through it in my own head enough anyway that if anyone is equipped for it, it's me.
If you have questions or comments, you know how to reach me.
June 27, 2014
Trauma
Today I watched a 14 year-old boy die. (It's amazing how fast that has gone from an adrenaline-filled, frantic state to me already thinking "yeah, that's a thing that has happened in my life.")
I have never witnessed someone dying before. It was exactly as I thought it would be. Which is not reassuring. It comported with my preconceptions, right down to the blood flowing from his mouth.
(Will all manners of dying be exactly as I imagined?)
I have had bloody hands before, but this was different.
The paramedics thought I had been injured because of the blood running down my leg from my knee. But I had been kneeling in his blood. I was fine.
That's a problem, isn't it? I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be fine.
I have written eight notes in my phone. There are so many poems. But I don't feel like it's really my experience. I could use this, use the description, the fact that something "traumatic" finally happened in my life, and I know I could make it sympathetic. I could write compelling messages. Perhaps I'm not a writer.
I watched a twin sister lose half of herself. I watched a stone-faced father. I told him the whole story.
I watched my father be a hero. Unfortunately, heroes at the wrong time don't have their stories told. I will tell the whole story at some point. But I don't want to forget the sheer respect and admiration I felt for my dad.
People keep saying I don't have to act strong. It's not an act. But I am also very aware I am not strong.
My mom feels guilty for not feeling even worse than she does. She has cried. I have not. I don't feel guilty.
I revel in consoling people. It feels good to know I feel better than someone. I do everything I can for them as penance.
Do other writers feel guilty for telling stories, knowing that the description of events will produce emotions they didn't actually feel?
I knew him for all of 45 minutes. I washed his blood from my body, but it just turned brown. The stains are obviously metaphoric, but right now they are too literal to be turned into metaphor.
I heard the scream of a 14 year-old girl so clearly. I wonder if I should have prepared her for the news. I knew he was dead as soon as I saw the car go over him. None of us wanted to say what we all knew. Somehow, that was the parents' job. As if they didn't have enough on their hands.
We all knew.
That didn't stop my dad from doing everything he could. I pumped on a dead chest for a while.
Squeezing the air out with blood.
I watched the abdomen turn purple and swell. All he was was blood.
I forced a bit more blood out before a car stopped and a medic jumped out. I was waiting for an excuse to leave. There wasn't a point to what I was doing. I could still help my mom. I did a lot of hugging. I held a twin sister. I had to move her head to my other shoulder so she couldn't look at the scene. I shielded her even more carefully when the pulled the sheet over him.
She pleaded to wake up from her dream.
I've echoed that plea so many times.
The dream continues.
And weirdly, I am fine.
I have never witnessed someone dying before. It was exactly as I thought it would be. Which is not reassuring. It comported with my preconceptions, right down to the blood flowing from his mouth.
(Will all manners of dying be exactly as I imagined?)
I have had bloody hands before, but this was different.
The paramedics thought I had been injured because of the blood running down my leg from my knee. But I had been kneeling in his blood. I was fine.
That's a problem, isn't it? I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be fine.
I have written eight notes in my phone. There are so many poems. But I don't feel like it's really my experience. I could use this, use the description, the fact that something "traumatic" finally happened in my life, and I know I could make it sympathetic. I could write compelling messages. Perhaps I'm not a writer.
I watched a twin sister lose half of herself. I watched a stone-faced father. I told him the whole story.
I watched my father be a hero. Unfortunately, heroes at the wrong time don't have their stories told. I will tell the whole story at some point. But I don't want to forget the sheer respect and admiration I felt for my dad.
People keep saying I don't have to act strong. It's not an act. But I am also very aware I am not strong.
My mom feels guilty for not feeling even worse than she does. She has cried. I have not. I don't feel guilty.
I revel in consoling people. It feels good to know I feel better than someone. I do everything I can for them as penance.
Do other writers feel guilty for telling stories, knowing that the description of events will produce emotions they didn't actually feel?
I knew him for all of 45 minutes. I washed his blood from my body, but it just turned brown. The stains are obviously metaphoric, but right now they are too literal to be turned into metaphor.
I heard the scream of a 14 year-old girl so clearly. I wonder if I should have prepared her for the news. I knew he was dead as soon as I saw the car go over him. None of us wanted to say what we all knew. Somehow, that was the parents' job. As if they didn't have enough on their hands.
We all knew.
That didn't stop my dad from doing everything he could. I pumped on a dead chest for a while.
Squeezing the air out with blood.
I watched the abdomen turn purple and swell. All he was was blood.
I forced a bit more blood out before a car stopped and a medic jumped out. I was waiting for an excuse to leave. There wasn't a point to what I was doing. I could still help my mom. I did a lot of hugging. I held a twin sister. I had to move her head to my other shoulder so she couldn't look at the scene. I shielded her even more carefully when the pulled the sheet over him.
She pleaded to wake up from her dream.
I've echoed that plea so many times.
The dream continues.
And weirdly, I am fine.
May 18, 2014
Post law law post
I am in the middle of my journal petition. Which consists of reading 375 pages of legal material and writing a 20 page paper on it in the span of 14 days. Oh, and there's editing exercises also. But that's not the reason I'm posting.
Weirdly, the reason I'm posting is probably because I'm tired. Or in that odd limbo between feeling like I should be tired (and either ignoring the effects (yet operating under their influence)) and not knowing what to do with myself. And I want to write. It's weird how I always want to write. But I never want to write about anything. And it's gotten so old hat at this point. As anyone who's followed my blog for more than a couple posts knows, my attempts at taking this seriously have been pathetic. And trying to take a hard line stance on the issue hasn't helped. I wrote a decent amount for a while there, but as always, other things took over. I let other things take over. I played in handball tournaments, I studied for finals, I alternated between trying to be healthy and trying not to stress about being healthy.
So here's where I make a list of things that happened this year (otherwise known as bragging):
I won money in two handball tournaments (Tallcorn, Milwaukee)
I passed my first semester classes without trying.
I won a bunch of little handball tournaments.
I made a friend and a bunch of acquaintances.
I got in better shape (marginal, yet acceptable)
I got poorer.
I decided I probably won't want to be a lawyer, though I haven't ruled it out entirely.
I decided I will probably get a PhD after law school (probably in molecular biology).
I avoided spending money on magic (except one tournament entry).
I ate a lot of free food.
I gradually wrecked by bike.
I grew more comfortable talking to people (client interviews, oral arguments, general back and forth).
I took my second semester finals (results TBD)
I am petitioning (results TBD).
I decided I like Minneapolis.
I didn't write (at least nothing significant).
And through all of this, what I really wanted was to buy time until I had something real to write about. But you know what doesn't happen? Anything, at least by itself. It's not like any of the things I'm doing are expanding my horizons, giving me new things to say. I told myself that maybe with time I would have something to say about my past relationship. Maybe I was still too close to it. I know when I've tried to write about it, I still can't use imagery because I always regress into concepts rather than concrete examples. It's so easy to write about "losing love," but so difficult to say it in the form of something real. So I assumed I was still too close to it. I guess I'm still too close to it. Which is annoying at this point, because just like my flirtation with writing, hearing me talk about my relationship is entirely played out. I can only imagine the eye-rolling "I guess I still have to humor him" reaction on the other end of any conversation at this point. And it's completely justified.
Between my three finals I wrote around 10,000 words. Each final was three hours. And the weird thing is, I didn't write enough. I'm not stressing about it, because 1) there's no point; what's done is done and 2) I don't care that much about my grades as long as I still have a scholarship at the end of all this. But also 3) if I care, then if I fail I will be disappointed. And as has been firmly established by now, it's a lot easier to not commit than it is to commit and fail.
There is a Magic player named Gerry Thompson who was recently on a podcast. (The link can be found here if you care: http://manadeprived.com/eh-team-177-cant-blame-badger/) He decided he was going to put all of his effort into chasing being a platinum-level pro (an achievement which basically enables you to play magic as your job). He was in a good position to do it. People don't decided to do it out of the blue. Usually they have a couple good results and then they decided "well, I've gotten this far without going the extra mile, let's make it happen." And then it either works or it doesn't. In Gerry's case, he flew to Europe, changed his life around a bit, and didn't make it. He came very close. In the interview, he says that it was the first time he's tried for anything in his life. He is quite accomplished by almost any standard. He is a respected author for the community, he performs well, and he has made a decent amount of money. After he failed, he quit. He took an internship designing magic cards and gave up playing for basically a year. He's back now, which is what the interview was about.
Gerry and I are similar in quite a few ways, which I'll take the time to point out despite their obviousness. I probably appear relatively accomplished to an outside observer, but I know I've never really applied myself. I take opportunities as they present themselves, and I operate well under these sorts of fake-stress conditions. Gerry came to the conclusion that he shouldn't have tried. He should have just kept doing what was working and let the chips fall as they may. He didn't like the stress, he didn't like having put himself out there, etc. And that's tempting.
To bring this full circle (meaning: back to talking about stupid things everyone has heard way too much about from me), I've been wondering recently if I ever even tried. Did I ever fight for my girl? My writing? My education?
I've told myself that it's fine. I didn't have to fight for my girl because "I believe everyone has the right to make their own choices." I didn't have to fight for my writing because "I'll have more experiences to write about/don't have time now anyway/a million other reasons." And I definitely didn't have to fight for my education. Because "it was easy, and I don't need a 4.0 anyway." And you know what? I'm fine with almost all of that. Except sometimes when I'm lonely, I wish I had fought for my girl. When I'm filling out job applications, I wish I had tried at school. And when I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life, I wish I had really committed to writing (and that I wasn't lonely).
I have a policy of not regretting my actions. I know they were justified in the moment, and that things are probably as good as they would have been otherwise. Objectively, I know I wouldn't be happy right now if I had chosen differently about any of these issues. I know that getting published is next to impossible. I know it involves things and processes I wouldn't like doing. I know that if in some weird world I was dating someone long distance, things would be much harder than they are now. There is an ideal world where I'm happily married, writing every day and not caring about money. And it's so easy to wonder if there was a route to that world.
But Gerry had an ideal world where he was a platinum pro, and he went about it as best he could. There was a way to get there. Other people did it, after all. But the odds weren't good. And let me tell you, winning at magic is a lot simpler than winning at life.
So that's the end of that segment. I sort of want to use this post to sum up my first year of law school. Unfortunately, what I've been telling everyone is basically the truth. I've been asked countless times how my first year went, and I always respond "I don't really know; I was too busy playing handball." I actually haven't been playing as much recently as I was earlier in the year. I've gotten good enough at this point that I've actually started attempting to rest on my laurels, which is stupid, since I have no laurels. I'm just in a weird spot where I can't get good games out of the people that show up to play, and I haven't failed badly enough to want to drill by myself. So basically, I haven't put myself out there for this either. At least I still have the reassurance that "if I really tried, I could be as good as the people that beat me."
I could say something here about how I'm going to try. About how I'm going to jump rope, row, run, and drill every day. And you know what? I might wind up doing that. But I'm tired of breaking promises because I can't hold myself accountable. The temptation is to say that this next promise will be different, but unless I'm making it to someone other than myself, it doesn't mean enough to me to follow through. That has become clear.
(As an aside, this is why I am amazing at group projects. As soon as someone is relying on me, I am proactive, I step my game up, I make sure things get done, etc. But personal projects always get done at the last minute. I single-handedly wrote every group project I was involved in this year. And it was fun. But my own success doesn't mean that much to me.)
Now that I've started thinking about it, it's fun to wander down the "where else does this apply?" train of thought. In tennis I showed up to every practice, every clinic, etc. and worked as hard as I could because I wanted to be a model for what could be accomplished if you put the time and effort in. In handball, I show up to every practice that doesn't conflict with school because I know people will be there and I want to be the guy who puts time in. But I don't try as hard because I don't have to to win. In school I've established my image as the slacker, so I find it impossible to try. The obvious trick, then, is to set an initially high standard, make it a precedent that others are aware of, and use that as fuel for my commitment. This doesn't work for writing because of my insecurity with letting others read what I write. I tried brazenly not being embarrassed, and it almost worked, but then I didn't see any results and reverted back to cowardice.
Even now I backpedal. I hedge my comments with "I know this is played out/old hat" even though if I were just confident, nothing would change. The people reading this aren't reading because they hold me to a high standard; they're reading because they care about me. And if they care about me, they care about what I'm thinking and what's bothering me, even if it really is the same stuff as always. (Here's where I would normally make a commitment to do better about that, but won't because... duh.)
This has been a pretty dissatisfying post to write, which is fitting, because a lack of commitment is itself dissatisfying. I hope I figure out a way to solve this problem. I'm not content with the way things are. So I'm going to leave it at that.
Thanks for reading.
Weirdly, the reason I'm posting is probably because I'm tired. Or in that odd limbo between feeling like I should be tired (and either ignoring the effects (yet operating under their influence)) and not knowing what to do with myself. And I want to write. It's weird how I always want to write. But I never want to write about anything. And it's gotten so old hat at this point. As anyone who's followed my blog for more than a couple posts knows, my attempts at taking this seriously have been pathetic. And trying to take a hard line stance on the issue hasn't helped. I wrote a decent amount for a while there, but as always, other things took over. I let other things take over. I played in handball tournaments, I studied for finals, I alternated between trying to be healthy and trying not to stress about being healthy.
So here's where I make a list of things that happened this year (otherwise known as bragging):
I won money in two handball tournaments (Tallcorn, Milwaukee)
I passed my first semester classes without trying.
I won a bunch of little handball tournaments.
I made a friend and a bunch of acquaintances.
I got in better shape (marginal, yet acceptable)
I got poorer.
I decided I probably won't want to be a lawyer, though I haven't ruled it out entirely.
I decided I will probably get a PhD after law school (probably in molecular biology).
I avoided spending money on magic (except one tournament entry).
I ate a lot of free food.
I gradually wrecked by bike.
I grew more comfortable talking to people (client interviews, oral arguments, general back and forth).
I took my second semester finals (results TBD)
I am petitioning (results TBD).
I decided I like Minneapolis.
I didn't write (at least nothing significant).
And through all of this, what I really wanted was to buy time until I had something real to write about. But you know what doesn't happen? Anything, at least by itself. It's not like any of the things I'm doing are expanding my horizons, giving me new things to say. I told myself that maybe with time I would have something to say about my past relationship. Maybe I was still too close to it. I know when I've tried to write about it, I still can't use imagery because I always regress into concepts rather than concrete examples. It's so easy to write about "losing love," but so difficult to say it in the form of something real. So I assumed I was still too close to it. I guess I'm still too close to it. Which is annoying at this point, because just like my flirtation with writing, hearing me talk about my relationship is entirely played out. I can only imagine the eye-rolling "I guess I still have to humor him" reaction on the other end of any conversation at this point. And it's completely justified.
Between my three finals I wrote around 10,000 words. Each final was three hours. And the weird thing is, I didn't write enough. I'm not stressing about it, because 1) there's no point; what's done is done and 2) I don't care that much about my grades as long as I still have a scholarship at the end of all this. But also 3) if I care, then if I fail I will be disappointed. And as has been firmly established by now, it's a lot easier to not commit than it is to commit and fail.
There is a Magic player named Gerry Thompson who was recently on a podcast. (The link can be found here if you care: http://manadeprived.com/eh-team-177-cant-blame-badger/) He decided he was going to put all of his effort into chasing being a platinum-level pro (an achievement which basically enables you to play magic as your job). He was in a good position to do it. People don't decided to do it out of the blue. Usually they have a couple good results and then they decided "well, I've gotten this far without going the extra mile, let's make it happen." And then it either works or it doesn't. In Gerry's case, he flew to Europe, changed his life around a bit, and didn't make it. He came very close. In the interview, he says that it was the first time he's tried for anything in his life. He is quite accomplished by almost any standard. He is a respected author for the community, he performs well, and he has made a decent amount of money. After he failed, he quit. He took an internship designing magic cards and gave up playing for basically a year. He's back now, which is what the interview was about.
Gerry and I are similar in quite a few ways, which I'll take the time to point out despite their obviousness. I probably appear relatively accomplished to an outside observer, but I know I've never really applied myself. I take opportunities as they present themselves, and I operate well under these sorts of fake-stress conditions. Gerry came to the conclusion that he shouldn't have tried. He should have just kept doing what was working and let the chips fall as they may. He didn't like the stress, he didn't like having put himself out there, etc. And that's tempting.
To bring this full circle (meaning: back to talking about stupid things everyone has heard way too much about from me), I've been wondering recently if I ever even tried. Did I ever fight for my girl? My writing? My education?
I've told myself that it's fine. I didn't have to fight for my girl because "I believe everyone has the right to make their own choices." I didn't have to fight for my writing because "I'll have more experiences to write about/don't have time now anyway/a million other reasons." And I definitely didn't have to fight for my education. Because "it was easy, and I don't need a 4.0 anyway." And you know what? I'm fine with almost all of that. Except sometimes when I'm lonely, I wish I had fought for my girl. When I'm filling out job applications, I wish I had tried at school. And when I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life, I wish I had really committed to writing (and that I wasn't lonely).
I have a policy of not regretting my actions. I know they were justified in the moment, and that things are probably as good as they would have been otherwise. Objectively, I know I wouldn't be happy right now if I had chosen differently about any of these issues. I know that getting published is next to impossible. I know it involves things and processes I wouldn't like doing. I know that if in some weird world I was dating someone long distance, things would be much harder than they are now. There is an ideal world where I'm happily married, writing every day and not caring about money. And it's so easy to wonder if there was a route to that world.
But Gerry had an ideal world where he was a platinum pro, and he went about it as best he could. There was a way to get there. Other people did it, after all. But the odds weren't good. And let me tell you, winning at magic is a lot simpler than winning at life.
So that's the end of that segment. I sort of want to use this post to sum up my first year of law school. Unfortunately, what I've been telling everyone is basically the truth. I've been asked countless times how my first year went, and I always respond "I don't really know; I was too busy playing handball." I actually haven't been playing as much recently as I was earlier in the year. I've gotten good enough at this point that I've actually started attempting to rest on my laurels, which is stupid, since I have no laurels. I'm just in a weird spot where I can't get good games out of the people that show up to play, and I haven't failed badly enough to want to drill by myself. So basically, I haven't put myself out there for this either. At least I still have the reassurance that "if I really tried, I could be as good as the people that beat me."
I could say something here about how I'm going to try. About how I'm going to jump rope, row, run, and drill every day. And you know what? I might wind up doing that. But I'm tired of breaking promises because I can't hold myself accountable. The temptation is to say that this next promise will be different, but unless I'm making it to someone other than myself, it doesn't mean enough to me to follow through. That has become clear.
(As an aside, this is why I am amazing at group projects. As soon as someone is relying on me, I am proactive, I step my game up, I make sure things get done, etc. But personal projects always get done at the last minute. I single-handedly wrote every group project I was involved in this year. And it was fun. But my own success doesn't mean that much to me.)
Now that I've started thinking about it, it's fun to wander down the "where else does this apply?" train of thought. In tennis I showed up to every practice, every clinic, etc. and worked as hard as I could because I wanted to be a model for what could be accomplished if you put the time and effort in. In handball, I show up to every practice that doesn't conflict with school because I know people will be there and I want to be the guy who puts time in. But I don't try as hard because I don't have to to win. In school I've established my image as the slacker, so I find it impossible to try. The obvious trick, then, is to set an initially high standard, make it a precedent that others are aware of, and use that as fuel for my commitment. This doesn't work for writing because of my insecurity with letting others read what I write. I tried brazenly not being embarrassed, and it almost worked, but then I didn't see any results and reverted back to cowardice.
Even now I backpedal. I hedge my comments with "I know this is played out/old hat" even though if I were just confident, nothing would change. The people reading this aren't reading because they hold me to a high standard; they're reading because they care about me. And if they care about me, they care about what I'm thinking and what's bothering me, even if it really is the same stuff as always. (Here's where I would normally make a commitment to do better about that, but won't because... duh.)
This has been a pretty dissatisfying post to write, which is fitting, because a lack of commitment is itself dissatisfying. I hope I figure out a way to solve this problem. I'm not content with the way things are. So I'm going to leave it at that.
Thanks for reading.
April 4, 2014
I tricked myself into posting
All I wanted to do today was write. But this blog doesn't really hold the appeal it once did. I don't feel like I am really communicating with anyone here. And at the same time, I am not 100% comfortable making it my personal journal. So it's been in limbo, and I still don't quite know what to do with it. I like knowing it's here. I like knowing that there's somewhere I can write the things I don't quite know how to say, or the things I don't have the courage to say. I just haven't felt like taking advantage of it recently. So for those that still check here, I apologize. It won't always be this way. I will have things to say again, of course. It could start right up again tomorrow. Or even right now, if I decided I had more to share.
There's an odd assortment of things in my head right now. I'm used to it, I suppose, but I'm not sure what to let out, what to embrace internally, or what to suppress (both from myself and others), especially as far as this blog is concerned.
Here's a quick update about what's been going on since my last post:
I turned in my final writing assignment for legal writing. It will also be my writing sample for moot court, journal, and job applications, so it's sort of important. I'm not thrilled with it, but I'm not disappointed either.
I won that doubles tournament I was talking about. I played one on two for most of it. My partner hit the ball four times in the entire finals match. So that was pretty fun. State singles is coming up soon. People around here take that pretty seriously.
I hurt my back last Saturday and it's still sore. I don't know whether I pulled something or if it's just normal stuff. It doesn't prevent me from doing anything I really want to do, but is a constant reminder that I better really want to do whatever it is I'm thinking about.
My neighbor has become more avid about his guitar playing. I am less thrilled about that than he is.
I played in a Magic tournament. I got my entry fee back, but didn't do that well. I think I can make the appropriate adjustments. In the meantime, Magic for free is generally a good thing in my book.
I have become intrigued by boxing/kickboxing/mma stuff. I've been reading about it and watching videos on technique on and off for a while now. I am wondering about taking some sort of class, but also know I have better uses for my time.
Intramural frisbee has started for the spring season. We won our first game via behind the back passes, no-look scoobers (and hammers), and copious blades. Which is to say, I had a fun time.
I am attending a prom tomorrow. For the fourth time in my life, actually. I should warn Ian that every previous time I have attended a prom, I have wound up in a relationship that spans multiple years. (We are going as sober volunteers. We have the last shift.)
I am still lonely. I wonder if I was lonely before and didn't know it, or if I'm just projecting an emotion that I feel I should be experiencing.
I biked to school in a suit through a blizzard yesterday for a client counseling simulation. That was even less fun than it sounds.
Ah screw it. Let's make this a real post.
A person I knew from the Magic shop in Ames just published a book online. I read the excerpt. It is awful. I don't know what people's standards are these days, but certainly I could meet them. At least, that's what I'll keep telling myself. While not actually trying to get published, of course.
Speaking of contradictions, I am becoming more and more aware of mine with each passing day. Talking with Ian after the Magic tournament really brought out a few things. We were talking about duties to oneself and society. I posited (to the surprise of exactly no one) that we had a duty to ourselves before any duty to the rest of mankind. That makes sense to me on both a personal scale, and also when taken in context with evolution/natural selection. Of course we are built to try and survive no matter what. He asked me about how many lives would have to hang in the balance before I believed it would be irresponsible not to sacrifice myself. I said there was no number. But at the same time, I've also decided internally that there are people in this world I would die for. So while I don't believe that there is a "real" responsibility as far as altruism is concerned, I hold myself to a higher standard.
This got me thinking, and it holds true pretty much across the board. I don't care that my friends drink. I hold myself to a higher standard (assuming, of course, that drinking is a bad thing; you're free to disagree). I don't care that people don't exercise. I hold myself to a higher standard. In general, it seems I don't care that people don't do the things I do as well as I do them (for the most part (and yes, I'm aware I'm egotistical)). I think this is probably both annoying and confusing to people. I know one girl from handball called me "undateable" because I was "too healthy and responsible." Which I found hilarious, but also a bit telling.
Then again, there's a significant part of me that likes the feeling of superiority. It's like I revel in "forgiving" people for not being as awesome as I am. Which is pretty messed up. I wish I had more analysis for this point, but I'll have to think about it a bit more before I can draw more conclusions.
Like the rest of the world, I have jumped aboard the 2048 train. It was mentioned in XKCD, so I downloaded it, and sure enough, it was intriguing. I quickly came up with a pattern of play that produced success. The real challenge, it turns out, is patience. I get caught up in making progress to the extent I overlook some small but important reaction, and then it all falls apart. A very unforgiving game once you get past a certain point. This is as far as I've gotten at this point:
I've been jumping back and forth between watching poetry and watching people talk about their creative process. It's weird how I can't quite sympathize with either one, at least right now.
I crashed my bike for the first time this "winter" on April Fool's Day. I tried to turn while on a frozen puddle covered with snow and wound up with a bruised/scraped knee/shin. It figured that would be the day for nature to pull such a cruel trick. Fresh snow in April? Yup. Crashing my bike? Of course. You win this one, world.
But that didn't even hurt as much as the pedal I took to the back of my calf/ankle the previous day. I have stairs I have to navigate, and I always take the opportunity to pretend I know what I would do in a cyclecross race, but this time I missed the pedal going for the flying mount-up and wound up ramming the entire bike with my weight behind it into my left leg. Ouch. I don't even know how the pedal could have reached the side of my leg, but I am missing skin in about eight places as a result. I'm impressed, really.
At one of my many lunch talks, I was told that 40% of law students become clinically depressed. I'd hate to think what would happen if someone who was already depressed decided to go to law school...
Speaking of the decision to go to law school, another person from the Ames magic crowd recently announced he would be attending Drake for law. His post on Facebook was met with many accolades. I had no idea how to respond. I was happy that he was happy he got in, but I also felt like gloating because I got in there with their most prestigious scholarship and turned it down. But I also don't envy anyone trying to be a lawyer, since apparently there are no jobs (according to more of these lunch-time-speaker-people). But, he might have a plan, which is more than I can say.
While I'm on the topic of a plan, I learned that I can take up to six credits outside the law school that "substantially relate," so I might use that opportunity to start toward a hard science background with an eye toward a different type of grad school. Now I just need to figure out what other type of degree I might want...
I'm serious, though, when I say I want to stay in school. I love this environment. I don't know what more to say than that. It's awesome.
I'm going to cut off there. I have some job applications I need to fill out, and I have some more brooding to do. Busy day and all that.
Thanks for reading!
There's an odd assortment of things in my head right now. I'm used to it, I suppose, but I'm not sure what to let out, what to embrace internally, or what to suppress (both from myself and others), especially as far as this blog is concerned.
Here's a quick update about what's been going on since my last post:
I turned in my final writing assignment for legal writing. It will also be my writing sample for moot court, journal, and job applications, so it's sort of important. I'm not thrilled with it, but I'm not disappointed either.
I won that doubles tournament I was talking about. I played one on two for most of it. My partner hit the ball four times in the entire finals match. So that was pretty fun. State singles is coming up soon. People around here take that pretty seriously.
I hurt my back last Saturday and it's still sore. I don't know whether I pulled something or if it's just normal stuff. It doesn't prevent me from doing anything I really want to do, but is a constant reminder that I better really want to do whatever it is I'm thinking about.
My neighbor has become more avid about his guitar playing. I am less thrilled about that than he is.
I played in a Magic tournament. I got my entry fee back, but didn't do that well. I think I can make the appropriate adjustments. In the meantime, Magic for free is generally a good thing in my book.
I have become intrigued by boxing/kickboxing/mma stuff. I've been reading about it and watching videos on technique on and off for a while now. I am wondering about taking some sort of class, but also know I have better uses for my time.
Intramural frisbee has started for the spring season. We won our first game via behind the back passes, no-look scoobers (and hammers), and copious blades. Which is to say, I had a fun time.
I am attending a prom tomorrow. For the fourth time in my life, actually. I should warn Ian that every previous time I have attended a prom, I have wound up in a relationship that spans multiple years. (We are going as sober volunteers. We have the last shift.)
I am still lonely. I wonder if I was lonely before and didn't know it, or if I'm just projecting an emotion that I feel I should be experiencing.
I biked to school in a suit through a blizzard yesterday for a client counseling simulation. That was even less fun than it sounds.
Ah screw it. Let's make this a real post.
A person I knew from the Magic shop in Ames just published a book online. I read the excerpt. It is awful. I don't know what people's standards are these days, but certainly I could meet them. At least, that's what I'll keep telling myself. While not actually trying to get published, of course.
Speaking of contradictions, I am becoming more and more aware of mine with each passing day. Talking with Ian after the Magic tournament really brought out a few things. We were talking about duties to oneself and society. I posited (to the surprise of exactly no one) that we had a duty to ourselves before any duty to the rest of mankind. That makes sense to me on both a personal scale, and also when taken in context with evolution/natural selection. Of course we are built to try and survive no matter what. He asked me about how many lives would have to hang in the balance before I believed it would be irresponsible not to sacrifice myself. I said there was no number. But at the same time, I've also decided internally that there are people in this world I would die for. So while I don't believe that there is a "real" responsibility as far as altruism is concerned, I hold myself to a higher standard.
This got me thinking, and it holds true pretty much across the board. I don't care that my friends drink. I hold myself to a higher standard (assuming, of course, that drinking is a bad thing; you're free to disagree). I don't care that people don't exercise. I hold myself to a higher standard. In general, it seems I don't care that people don't do the things I do as well as I do them (for the most part (and yes, I'm aware I'm egotistical)). I think this is probably both annoying and confusing to people. I know one girl from handball called me "undateable" because I was "too healthy and responsible." Which I found hilarious, but also a bit telling.
Then again, there's a significant part of me that likes the feeling of superiority. It's like I revel in "forgiving" people for not being as awesome as I am. Which is pretty messed up. I wish I had more analysis for this point, but I'll have to think about it a bit more before I can draw more conclusions.
Like the rest of the world, I have jumped aboard the 2048 train. It was mentioned in XKCD, so I downloaded it, and sure enough, it was intriguing. I quickly came up with a pattern of play that produced success. The real challenge, it turns out, is patience. I get caught up in making progress to the extent I overlook some small but important reaction, and then it all falls apart. A very unforgiving game once you get past a certain point. This is as far as I've gotten at this point:
I've been jumping back and forth between watching poetry and watching people talk about their creative process. It's weird how I can't quite sympathize with either one, at least right now.
I crashed my bike for the first time this "winter" on April Fool's Day. I tried to turn while on a frozen puddle covered with snow and wound up with a bruised/scraped knee/shin. It figured that would be the day for nature to pull such a cruel trick. Fresh snow in April? Yup. Crashing my bike? Of course. You win this one, world.
But that didn't even hurt as much as the pedal I took to the back of my calf/ankle the previous day. I have stairs I have to navigate, and I always take the opportunity to pretend I know what I would do in a cyclecross race, but this time I missed the pedal going for the flying mount-up and wound up ramming the entire bike with my weight behind it into my left leg. Ouch. I don't even know how the pedal could have reached the side of my leg, but I am missing skin in about eight places as a result. I'm impressed, really.
At one of my many lunch talks, I was told that 40% of law students become clinically depressed. I'd hate to think what would happen if someone who was already depressed decided to go to law school...
Speaking of the decision to go to law school, another person from the Ames magic crowd recently announced he would be attending Drake for law. His post on Facebook was met with many accolades. I had no idea how to respond. I was happy that he was happy he got in, but I also felt like gloating because I got in there with their most prestigious scholarship and turned it down. But I also don't envy anyone trying to be a lawyer, since apparently there are no jobs (according to more of these lunch-time-speaker-people). But, he might have a plan, which is more than I can say.
While I'm on the topic of a plan, I learned that I can take up to six credits outside the law school that "substantially relate," so I might use that opportunity to start toward a hard science background with an eye toward a different type of grad school. Now I just need to figure out what other type of degree I might want...
I'm serious, though, when I say I want to stay in school. I love this environment. I don't know what more to say than that. It's awesome.
I'm going to cut off there. I have some job applications I need to fill out, and I have some more brooding to do. Busy day and all that.
Thanks for reading!
March 19, 2014
Grumble grumble grumble complain (but at least other people are doing cool things)
Day9 taught me about Graham's Number. If you're curious about how ridiculous numbers can get, take a look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N6cOC2P8fQ
I am bitter.
The league finals were on Saturday, and rather than playing us normally, our opponents put their best player in doubles and their second-best player at #3 singles so he could beat our worst player. They won, of course. I was stuck playing Steve Johnson (their captain, the coordinator for midwest handball, and my new pretend nemesis). I didn't really warm up, so he got 8 points in the first game. Then I remembered I was upset and he called a timeout after he hadn't gotten to serve once in the first fifteen points. He sided me out, and then I closed it out, 21-0. And that was all I did. Waste of my time. I played a couple of doubles games with random people, but it was really disappointing because league games are a time I consider one of my few opportunities to improve by playing people better than me.
It's getting nice-ish outside again. I know I should take advantage of it, but I'm feeling all hermit-y. Which is probably code for depressed, but I'm distracting myself adequately. The power of the internet.
Congratulations to my sister on her Callahan nomination! She's put a lot of time into getting as good as she is, and it's nice to see her team reward that.
I have applied for a couple of summer positions. I doubt anything will pan out, but at least this way I can say I tried, right?
I am playing in another doubles tournament this weekend. Nobody really seemed interested, so I'm playing with Alex from my collegiates team. He is a C player, so I've already made it clear that I'm going to be taking all the shots. We'll see how good he is at getting out of the way.
I want to be doing something, but I just can't get excited for anything. Usually I enjoy writing here, but I'm not really feeling it today. Or yesterday, when I started this post.
Hopefully that changes. I have a note in my phone of things to write about at some point, so when my enthusiasm does kick back in, at least I'll have stuff to say. Sorry for the lackluster nature of this entry. I'm sure I'll be back to my vociferous, loquacious self soon. This whole semester has been pretty lackluster, actually. My classes aren't interesting, and I'm pretty sure I'm digging myself into a giant hole by not caring enough. But that still doesn't make me care...
Congratulations to Sarah S on being done with her huge tests! Graduation from Monterey is imminent! I'm incredibly impressed. From zero to fluent in Arabic in less than two years! And here I am, spinning my wheels.
This is by far the least appealing Spring Break has ever been. And I never even participated in spring break "college style."
I guess I'll watch some movies.
Geez, I'm throwing quite the pity party here, aren't I? It's weird being aware of the fact that I'm being stupid for being all down on myself, and still unwilling to change anything about it. I know I possess the willpower to pick myself up, but at the same time my brain is making the argument that it's not like I have a better way to spend my break anyway, even if I were cheerful. So here I am.
I watched the first season of "Orange is the New Black" over the last two days. A classmate recommended it to me. I asked what it was about. "Lesbians in prison." Sold. You had me at lesbians.
I accidentally made my pasta dish in too much water, so now the sauce is really runny. So I'm going to eat that before I convince myself it's unappealing. Thanks for reading!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N6cOC2P8fQ
I am bitter.
The league finals were on Saturday, and rather than playing us normally, our opponents put their best player in doubles and their second-best player at #3 singles so he could beat our worst player. They won, of course. I was stuck playing Steve Johnson (their captain, the coordinator for midwest handball, and my new pretend nemesis). I didn't really warm up, so he got 8 points in the first game. Then I remembered I was upset and he called a timeout after he hadn't gotten to serve once in the first fifteen points. He sided me out, and then I closed it out, 21-0. And that was all I did. Waste of my time. I played a couple of doubles games with random people, but it was really disappointing because league games are a time I consider one of my few opportunities to improve by playing people better than me.
It's getting nice-ish outside again. I know I should take advantage of it, but I'm feeling all hermit-y. Which is probably code for depressed, but I'm distracting myself adequately. The power of the internet.
Congratulations to my sister on her Callahan nomination! She's put a lot of time into getting as good as she is, and it's nice to see her team reward that.
I have applied for a couple of summer positions. I doubt anything will pan out, but at least this way I can say I tried, right?
I am playing in another doubles tournament this weekend. Nobody really seemed interested, so I'm playing with Alex from my collegiates team. He is a C player, so I've already made it clear that I'm going to be taking all the shots. We'll see how good he is at getting out of the way.
I want to be doing something, but I just can't get excited for anything. Usually I enjoy writing here, but I'm not really feeling it today. Or yesterday, when I started this post.
Hopefully that changes. I have a note in my phone of things to write about at some point, so when my enthusiasm does kick back in, at least I'll have stuff to say. Sorry for the lackluster nature of this entry. I'm sure I'll be back to my vociferous, loquacious self soon. This whole semester has been pretty lackluster, actually. My classes aren't interesting, and I'm pretty sure I'm digging myself into a giant hole by not caring enough. But that still doesn't make me care...
Congratulations to Sarah S on being done with her huge tests! Graduation from Monterey is imminent! I'm incredibly impressed. From zero to fluent in Arabic in less than two years! And here I am, spinning my wheels.
This is by far the least appealing Spring Break has ever been. And I never even participated in spring break "college style."
I guess I'll watch some movies.
Geez, I'm throwing quite the pity party here, aren't I? It's weird being aware of the fact that I'm being stupid for being all down on myself, and still unwilling to change anything about it. I know I possess the willpower to pick myself up, but at the same time my brain is making the argument that it's not like I have a better way to spend my break anyway, even if I were cheerful. So here I am.
I watched the first season of "Orange is the New Black" over the last two days. A classmate recommended it to me. I asked what it was about. "Lesbians in prison." Sold. You had me at lesbians.
I accidentally made my pasta dish in too much water, so now the sauce is really runny. So I'm going to eat that before I convince myself it's unappealing. Thanks for reading!
March 9, 2014
Bragging
Well, it's Sunday again, and it snuck up on me without me having done any writing again, so I guess I'll get to that right after this post. I just wanted to make sure I got this post up before I forgot all the really cool things I did that I need to brag about. Because isn't that why people have blogs anyway? Gotta feed the ego.
So... I wrote a 15 page legal brief this week. I wasn't really sure what sort of standard to judge it by, but then I read some of my classmates' and it turns out I did a pretty good job. I think we all did it pretty close to the night before, so there are typos all over the place (at least in the ones I read, not sure about mine, since I suck at catching my own mistakes (egotistical)).
Then, since I hadn't slept, I took a nap before my simulated mediation conference for my Law in Practice class. Aaaannnd I nailed it. It was pretty awesome. My client said my partner and I made him feel the most confident and secure out of any of the people he had worked with, that we seemed to know what we were doing, and did a great job explaining all of the stuff we needed to take into consideration when negotiating a settlement. We were successful in getting our client to his bottom-line price and justifying our reasons for getting him there. It was a great experience because it really emphasized how you need to be able to condense the law and reasoning into some basic points for your client to understand, and still be able to talk on the appropriate level to the mediator/opposition without your client getting lost. It was pretty fun, and I didn't even hate working with other, real, live human beings! Success!
Friday was the start of the Minnesota state doubles championships. After not having fun playing in the open division with my previous partners, I enlisted my dad. I figured if anyone would be able to tolerate me not letting them hit the ball, it would be the guy who managed to not kill me for the first 20+ years of my life. And sure enough, we are both alive today. So really, the success story starts there. But also, we made it to the finals! Which was pretty awesome.
Now, I don't want to belittle my dad, but the strategy was basically that I played one against two for the entire tournament. This started off a bit shakily, and we were down by a sizable margin in our very first game (against opponents who weren't that good). We mounted a spectacular comeback to win 21-18 (or 19) after being behind 18-10 or something. We did better in the second game, but we had a second match Friday due to our low seed. So we played the three seed and dropped the first game. We won the match in a tiebreaker, and I was pretty thrilled to have made the semifinals. We were playing the second seed, two decent open-level guys. Well, they enter the open division in tournaments around here, anyway. They aren't the guys who would win an open tournament with a lot of entrants, but they are both probably top 15 in the state. I got on a hot streak and we stole the first game 21-4. The second game was more of a battle, and were behind for most of it before tying it at 15-15. We were up 20-17 and dropped four points in a row to go to another tiebreaker. We took care of business and made the finals. At that point I was really feeling the tiredness set in, but I will attempt to avoid making excuses. Andy and his dad both served really well, and we got beat pretty badly. But hey, we got second in the state! So that's pretty nifty.
I just finished watching through the footage of the tournament, and I really need to work on getting my whole torso through my left handed shot. I set up pretty well, but because I'm so focused on making contact I forget to swing with my whole body and I wind up not quite committing through the whole motion. I also have a tendency to jump into my shots on that side instead of staying down. That's either because of bad footwork or lack of confidence. So I have some more things to work on.
My mom jumped into the court a couple of times and she's already looking like a handball player! It is sort of like when I jumped into tennis from scratch: no bad habits. And she's very coach-able, so hopefully she doesn't develop too many quirks before I see her again.
It feels a bit weird writing this stuff after the fact, because my main audience already knows all this stuff. My parents were there, and I talked (bragged) to Sarah S today already, so that only leaves a couple of people that I know even read this. But if I'm ever looking back at these entries, I suppose I'll want to know that I was feeling pretty positive about things (at least for a while).
We went out to eat on Saturday night at an Ethiopian restaurant. The first girl I dated was Ethiopian, and people would always come up to her (people neither of us knew) and ask her if she was Ethiopian. My reaction was always how can you tell? Is there some secret Ethiopian marking I am unaware of? Keep in mind that I had met approximately three Ethiopians at this point in my life. So when I walked into this restaurant I was like it all makes sense now! It was a bit weird eating dinner surrounded by ex-girlfriends, but hey, the food was amazing. And as a nice little bonus, we even knew how to eat it because we had eaten over at my ex's house before.
I then convinced my parents that, despite being quite full, we should get ice cream. Which was both a huge mistake and a huge success. I'll let you fill in the details yourself.
When I got back and could finally deal with the pain in my belly (stomach the pain, if you will...), I fell right asleep. At like 8:00 or something. So naturally, I woke up at 3:00 ready to start my day. I've been up ever since, though the first few hours were spend wondering if I'd ever be able to move again. Of course, I did have intramural frisbee playoffs to attend, so I biked over to that. We were undefeated in the regular season, so we had a bye in the first round. Our second-round team only had four people show up, so they forfeited. They asked if we would like to play a bit anyway, so I joined their team and we played five on five. We went up 3-0 and were winning when we called it quits so my real team could play in the finals. We went up 7-2 at half and it wasn't really a difficult game. We played pretty tight, and I completed all but two of my throws, so I felt pretty good. I also caught the disc over some people, which is always great for the self-confidence. I then biked home, though at that point it wasn't so much biking as pedal-boating. The forecast had said a high of 27 degrees or something, but I think it hit almost 40 (according to a facebook status I glimpsed). A few of the "puddles" I biked through were more than six inches deep.
I then watched the coverage of a magic tournament in the background while reviewing my video from the weekend. I took some screenshots. (I took a lot of screenshots.) Here are the highlights:
I chose a sequence of me up close to show my hitting motion in detail. I think it's kinda crazy how far my elbow bends. The second picture you can't even tell I have a hand...
I'm going to write a bit for fun/casually now. Then I have some homework. But it was another great weekend with my parents, and satisfying overall.
Thanks for reading!
So... I wrote a 15 page legal brief this week. I wasn't really sure what sort of standard to judge it by, but then I read some of my classmates' and it turns out I did a pretty good job. I think we all did it pretty close to the night before, so there are typos all over the place (at least in the ones I read, not sure about mine, since I suck at catching my own mistakes (egotistical)).
Then, since I hadn't slept, I took a nap before my simulated mediation conference for my Law in Practice class. Aaaannnd I nailed it. It was pretty awesome. My client said my partner and I made him feel the most confident and secure out of any of the people he had worked with, that we seemed to know what we were doing, and did a great job explaining all of the stuff we needed to take into consideration when negotiating a settlement. We were successful in getting our client to his bottom-line price and justifying our reasons for getting him there. It was a great experience because it really emphasized how you need to be able to condense the law and reasoning into some basic points for your client to understand, and still be able to talk on the appropriate level to the mediator/opposition without your client getting lost. It was pretty fun, and I didn't even hate working with other, real, live human beings! Success!
Friday was the start of the Minnesota state doubles championships. After not having fun playing in the open division with my previous partners, I enlisted my dad. I figured if anyone would be able to tolerate me not letting them hit the ball, it would be the guy who managed to not kill me for the first 20+ years of my life. And sure enough, we are both alive today. So really, the success story starts there. But also, we made it to the finals! Which was pretty awesome.
Now, I don't want to belittle my dad, but the strategy was basically that I played one against two for the entire tournament. This started off a bit shakily, and we were down by a sizable margin in our very first game (against opponents who weren't that good). We mounted a spectacular comeback to win 21-18 (or 19) after being behind 18-10 or something. We did better in the second game, but we had a second match Friday due to our low seed. So we played the three seed and dropped the first game. We won the match in a tiebreaker, and I was pretty thrilled to have made the semifinals. We were playing the second seed, two decent open-level guys. Well, they enter the open division in tournaments around here, anyway. They aren't the guys who would win an open tournament with a lot of entrants, but they are both probably top 15 in the state. I got on a hot streak and we stole the first game 21-4. The second game was more of a battle, and were behind for most of it before tying it at 15-15. We were up 20-17 and dropped four points in a row to go to another tiebreaker. We took care of business and made the finals. At that point I was really feeling the tiredness set in, but I will attempt to avoid making excuses. Andy and his dad both served really well, and we got beat pretty badly. But hey, we got second in the state! So that's pretty nifty.
I just finished watching through the footage of the tournament, and I really need to work on getting my whole torso through my left handed shot. I set up pretty well, but because I'm so focused on making contact I forget to swing with my whole body and I wind up not quite committing through the whole motion. I also have a tendency to jump into my shots on that side instead of staying down. That's either because of bad footwork or lack of confidence. So I have some more things to work on.
My mom jumped into the court a couple of times and she's already looking like a handball player! It is sort of like when I jumped into tennis from scratch: no bad habits. And she's very coach-able, so hopefully she doesn't develop too many quirks before I see her again.
It feels a bit weird writing this stuff after the fact, because my main audience already knows all this stuff. My parents were there, and I talked (bragged) to Sarah S today already, so that only leaves a couple of people that I know even read this. But if I'm ever looking back at these entries, I suppose I'll want to know that I was feeling pretty positive about things (at least for a while).
We went out to eat on Saturday night at an Ethiopian restaurant. The first girl I dated was Ethiopian, and people would always come up to her (people neither of us knew) and ask her if she was Ethiopian. My reaction was always how can you tell? Is there some secret Ethiopian marking I am unaware of? Keep in mind that I had met approximately three Ethiopians at this point in my life. So when I walked into this restaurant I was like it all makes sense now! It was a bit weird eating dinner surrounded by ex-girlfriends, but hey, the food was amazing. And as a nice little bonus, we even knew how to eat it because we had eaten over at my ex's house before.
I then convinced my parents that, despite being quite full, we should get ice cream. Which was both a huge mistake and a huge success. I'll let you fill in the details yourself.
When I got back and could finally deal with the pain in my belly (stomach the pain, if you will...), I fell right asleep. At like 8:00 or something. So naturally, I woke up at 3:00 ready to start my day. I've been up ever since, though the first few hours were spend wondering if I'd ever be able to move again. Of course, I did have intramural frisbee playoffs to attend, so I biked over to that. We were undefeated in the regular season, so we had a bye in the first round. Our second-round team only had four people show up, so they forfeited. They asked if we would like to play a bit anyway, so I joined their team and we played five on five. We went up 3-0 and were winning when we called it quits so my real team could play in the finals. We went up 7-2 at half and it wasn't really a difficult game. We played pretty tight, and I completed all but two of my throws, so I felt pretty good. I also caught the disc over some people, which is always great for the self-confidence. I then biked home, though at that point it wasn't so much biking as pedal-boating. The forecast had said a high of 27 degrees or something, but I think it hit almost 40 (according to a facebook status I glimpsed). A few of the "puddles" I biked through were more than six inches deep.
I then watched the coverage of a magic tournament in the background while reviewing my video from the weekend. I took some screenshots. (I took a lot of screenshots.) Here are the highlights:
I chose a sequence of me up close to show my hitting motion in detail. I think it's kinda crazy how far my elbow bends. The second picture you can't even tell I have a hand...
 |
| amputee playing handball |
 |
| it grew back! |
Here's another sequence where I misjudged where the ball was going. So I'm running toward the wall...
 |
| I totally know where it's going |
 |
| Oh crap, no I don't |
 |
| course adjustment |
 |
| diving lunge |
 |
| got it! |
 |
| I was totally the right person to be taking this shot... |
 |
| Just doing what I do |
 |
| At this point I started noticing how every one of my diving pictures looks the same if you find the right frame |
 |
| Dad doing work! |
 |
| Turns out having a partner can come in handy |
 |
| Outta my way; I got this |
 |
| Nice and close to the camera |
 |
| between the legs |
 |
| yet another picture that looks just like the others |
 |
| gettin' my closeup |
I'm going to write a bit for fun/casually now. Then I have some homework. But it was another great weekend with my parents, and satisfying overall.
Thanks for reading!
March 3, 2014
Aaarrrggh
I have not been writing. This was the week I had in mind when I said that I might not be able to write consistently, play handball, and focus on law school. I have my most important writing assignment due this week, I have playoffs for league tomorrow, and I am secondary attorney for a negotiation simulation on the same day my brief is due. So while I have things to say, I am afraid I will be moving on to more boring pastures.
I am looking forward to this weekend though. The teams signed up for the doubles tournament this weekend all look like they will be fun to play against, and I think we have a real shot (assuming the Netts are, in fact, beatable).
I miss you.
That applies to pretty much everyone. I've been feeling a bit more lonely as of late.
Thanks for reading!
I am looking forward to this weekend though. The teams signed up for the doubles tournament this weekend all look like they will be fun to play against, and I think we have a real shot (assuming the Netts are, in fact, beatable).
I miss you.
That applies to pretty much everyone. I've been feeling a bit more lonely as of late.
Thanks for reading!
February 24, 2014
No segues here
Well, I have a lot that I would normally say, but I don't really feel like saying it. I guess it's time for another list:
I went to Nationals. I streamed my matches in rather poor quality. I played okay. Not great, but I'm not mad or sad or anything.
I had a great time with the people I went with. Even the stupid people were amusing most of the time. And I had some really funny conversations.
I was told I was the one who made the whole trip worth it (due to my comic relief) by multiple people. That felt good.
It took a lot of effort to be that person for five days straight. To wake up with a joke on my lips. To make one last wisecrack about how I was going to cuddle with a man before going to sleep. But it was funny, and fun, and I'm glad it happened.
I was enthusiastic about things just for the sake of being enthusiastic, which is something I haven't done in a really long time. I think that's one of the things I miss about the frisbee crowd (and that whole period in my life). I could just take a stance and stake my claim to something. This trip it was ice cream. I became the guy who loves ice cream. And yeah, the ice cream was freakin' delicious. But I'm not really that guy. It was really fun to be that guy, though.
I wouldn't have lasted another day. As the plane was landing I sort of switched off and didn't say anything the rest of the night. Maybe that was just because I didn't want to be home. But I was tired of being cheerful, also.
Our ladies made three out of five possible finals appearances. Granted, I have no idea how they finished in relation to their initial seeding, but it was great to have so many people playing on Sunday. They even took runner-up in Division II for their gender. Which is impressive considering they only had four people and up to six can score.
It was nice to just be reabsorbed today by my classmates. I didn't talk to anyone, just nodded and smiled.
Because when I can't sleep, I depress myself further, here is a video I watched recently:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB7xs7UpIfY
Here's a poem I laughed at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2j3ZPE65xE
And here is another poem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnsTD8KAqCs
I didn't love the ending, but hey, pretty good anyway.
(I hate people who snap their fingers at poem
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJgiYBdD2VA
This was interesting in that it was philosophical, but rejects the idea that our fascination with objects, and consumerism in general is "commodification" or "fetishization" but rather proposes that it relates to how we strive to show love. It was refreshing after being told for years of philosophy class that our growing fascination with technology and consumerism is the most terrible thing in the world. As with anything, I'm sure there's a tenable middle ground, but this guy was likeable enough that it was worth reading the subtitles (it's in French).
It was awesome to have my dad at my handball tournament! And it was beyond generous for him to treat us all to a dinner of Mellow Mushroom pizza.
One of my teammates, Drew, was chatting up a girl in the Irish hotel room and she said she was applying to law school. She got in at Washington, and said she thought about applying to Minnesota. My buddy, the consummate wingman, directed her attention my way. We chatted. She opened by inquiring my LSAT. I told her. She told Drew I was a genius. She said she thought her 3.5 GPA might have helped her out. She did a double take when I took the opening to brag some more. Hearing I was in the open bracket in the tournament pretty much pushed things over the top. When Drew mentioned my scholarship, it was hard to imagine a more perfect script. Drew wound up with a lady of his own by the end of the night. I passed on the opportunity. It was weird, because I feel lonely, so I was expecting to have to, at a minimum, overcome a bit of temptation. But it never manifested, even slightly.
I didn't do any writing on my trip. I wasn't really planning on writing, but I feel a bit guilty now. Or I feel like I should feel guilty? So maybe I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty. That's a thing, right?
Because my league team went undefeated, we have a bye this week. My shoulder is still a bit sore from the tournament, so I'm not sure what I should do. Should I hit the courts and try and get my game better, or hit the hay and try and get my shoulder better, or hit the books and try and get my schoolwork under control?
I am watching video of handball to try and figure out how to adjust my game. Martin overpowered me a bit, so I don't know whether to try and match that with more power or switch to a defensive game. I often feel like the longer a game goes the better I get, but I'm not sure that holds at the highest level.
When a male security guard goes around the library to check ID's he does it alone. When this lady just asked for mine, she had a guy right behind her. He didn't do anything. I feel like there's something weird with that. Either trust a female security guard to ask for ID's alone (because what good is she going to be if there's a security threat if she can't even do that), or just have the guy do it, because it's pointless to have them both there.
On Sunday Martin (the top seed I lost to) told me I was playing well, had decent power, and not to get discouraged by the score. He said anyone can go on runs like that, gave a nice little anecdote of how it had happened to him, and finished by saying I should go to more tournaments. He's a stand-up guy. I am impressed.
I'm headed home to the land of questionable internet. Thanks for reading!
I went to Nationals. I streamed my matches in rather poor quality. I played okay. Not great, but I'm not mad or sad or anything.
I had a great time with the people I went with. Even the stupid people were amusing most of the time. And I had some really funny conversations.
I was told I was the one who made the whole trip worth it (due to my comic relief) by multiple people. That felt good.
It took a lot of effort to be that person for five days straight. To wake up with a joke on my lips. To make one last wisecrack about how I was going to cuddle with a man before going to sleep. But it was funny, and fun, and I'm glad it happened.
I was enthusiastic about things just for the sake of being enthusiastic, which is something I haven't done in a really long time. I think that's one of the things I miss about the frisbee crowd (and that whole period in my life). I could just take a stance and stake my claim to something. This trip it was ice cream. I became the guy who loves ice cream. And yeah, the ice cream was freakin' delicious. But I'm not really that guy. It was really fun to be that guy, though.
I wouldn't have lasted another day. As the plane was landing I sort of switched off and didn't say anything the rest of the night. Maybe that was just because I didn't want to be home. But I was tired of being cheerful, also.
Our ladies made three out of five possible finals appearances. Granted, I have no idea how they finished in relation to their initial seeding, but it was great to have so many people playing on Sunday. They even took runner-up in Division II for their gender. Which is impressive considering they only had four people and up to six can score.
It was nice to just be reabsorbed today by my classmates. I didn't talk to anyone, just nodded and smiled.
Because when I can't sleep, I depress myself further, here is a video I watched recently:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB7xs7UpIfY
Here's a poem I laughed at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2j3ZPE65xE
And here is another poem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnsTD8KAqCs
I didn't love the ending, but hey, pretty good anyway.
(I hate people who snap their fingers at poem
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJgiYBdD2VA
This was interesting in that it was philosophical, but rejects the idea that our fascination with objects, and consumerism in general is "commodification" or "fetishization" but rather proposes that it relates to how we strive to show love. It was refreshing after being told for years of philosophy class that our growing fascination with technology and consumerism is the most terrible thing in the world. As with anything, I'm sure there's a tenable middle ground, but this guy was likeable enough that it was worth reading the subtitles (it's in French).
It was awesome to have my dad at my handball tournament! And it was beyond generous for him to treat us all to a dinner of Mellow Mushroom pizza.
One of my teammates, Drew, was chatting up a girl in the Irish hotel room and she said she was applying to law school. She got in at Washington, and said she thought about applying to Minnesota. My buddy, the consummate wingman, directed her attention my way. We chatted. She opened by inquiring my LSAT. I told her. She told Drew I was a genius. She said she thought her 3.5 GPA might have helped her out. She did a double take when I took the opening to brag some more. Hearing I was in the open bracket in the tournament pretty much pushed things over the top. When Drew mentioned my scholarship, it was hard to imagine a more perfect script. Drew wound up with a lady of his own by the end of the night. I passed on the opportunity. It was weird, because I feel lonely, so I was expecting to have to, at a minimum, overcome a bit of temptation. But it never manifested, even slightly.
I didn't do any writing on my trip. I wasn't really planning on writing, but I feel a bit guilty now. Or I feel like I should feel guilty? So maybe I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty. That's a thing, right?
Because my league team went undefeated, we have a bye this week. My shoulder is still a bit sore from the tournament, so I'm not sure what I should do. Should I hit the courts and try and get my game better, or hit the hay and try and get my shoulder better, or hit the books and try and get my schoolwork under control?
I am watching video of handball to try and figure out how to adjust my game. Martin overpowered me a bit, so I don't know whether to try and match that with more power or switch to a defensive game. I often feel like the longer a game goes the better I get, but I'm not sure that holds at the highest level.
When a male security guard goes around the library to check ID's he does it alone. When this lady just asked for mine, she had a guy right behind her. He didn't do anything. I feel like there's something weird with that. Either trust a female security guard to ask for ID's alone (because what good is she going to be if there's a security threat if she can't even do that), or just have the guy do it, because it's pointless to have them both there.
On Sunday Martin (the top seed I lost to) told me I was playing well, had decent power, and not to get discouraged by the score. He said anyone can go on runs like that, gave a nice little anecdote of how it had happened to him, and finished by saying I should go to more tournaments. He's a stand-up guy. I am impressed.
I'm headed home to the land of questionable internet. Thanks for reading!
February 18, 2014
Quick post
So I've actually been writing a little bit on my own, and sure enough, I stopped posting here. There's only so many words per night in these hands, it seems. Or only so much time in a day, or only so much attention span in my brain, or...
And this isn't a real post either, because I have to pack for my trip, do my laundry (not in that order), cut my hair, write an outline for a paper, and remember some of the many things I'm going to forget all before tomorrow at 5:00 am. So I'm going to go do that. Sorry I haven't been putting much on here. Not a lot has been happening. I've started playing a bit of magic with some folks from the law school, which is likely a terrible idea for all concerned. I am playing intramural frisbee indoors, which is a blast. And the rest of my free time is pretty much devoted to handball. So I'm going to North Carolina to see how I stack up against the rest of the nation, or at least the college kids. I'm sure I'll feel old. The not drinking probably won't help matters, since I've heard it turns into quite the party. Maybe I'll be able to make myself useful and DD.
Oh, here's something cool!
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/repesch35
I'll try to stream all my matches to ustream. Anyone who clicks on that link should (I hope!) be able to see me when I go live. I'll post to facebook when I go live also, I guess, since the app on my phone keeps pestering me to do that. Hopefully you'll see me there!
If my phone seems to be doing okay on battery, I'll even try and stream some of the other people's matches. Sounds like a good time for everyone. But now, I really do have to get to that stuff. First up: laundry.
Thanks for reading (and maybe even watching)!
And this isn't a real post either, because I have to pack for my trip, do my laundry (not in that order), cut my hair, write an outline for a paper, and remember some of the many things I'm going to forget all before tomorrow at 5:00 am. So I'm going to go do that. Sorry I haven't been putting much on here. Not a lot has been happening. I've started playing a bit of magic with some folks from the law school, which is likely a terrible idea for all concerned. I am playing intramural frisbee indoors, which is a blast. And the rest of my free time is pretty much devoted to handball. So I'm going to North Carolina to see how I stack up against the rest of the nation, or at least the college kids. I'm sure I'll feel old. The not drinking probably won't help matters, since I've heard it turns into quite the party. Maybe I'll be able to make myself useful and DD.
Oh, here's something cool!
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/repesch35
I'll try to stream all my matches to ustream. Anyone who clicks on that link should (I hope!) be able to see me when I go live. I'll post to facebook when I go live also, I guess, since the app on my phone keeps pestering me to do that. Hopefully you'll see me there!
If my phone seems to be doing okay on battery, I'll even try and stream some of the other people's matches. Sounds like a good time for everyone. But now, I really do have to get to that stuff. First up: laundry.
Thanks for reading (and maybe even watching)!
February 6, 2014
Post post post post post post...
Hi there! My internet is working again!
First off, I have written five pages but I don't like what I've written/it isn't organized at all. So while it's technically five pages, all I really like are a couple of poems. And it's getting late, so I plan on editing/expanding on it tomorrow during my six hours of downtime between morning class and evening class.
A development has occurred. I have met another version of myself. Here are some similarities I have with Ian:
We both play Magic: the Gathering.
We both read the Dark Tower series recently (I had a half-hour animated freak out session about this).
We both watch starcraft videos and don't actually play starcraft.
We both watch the same starcraft video people.
We both have attempted to watch League of Legends (another video game) and couldn't get into it.
We both majored in philosophy.
We both had a second concentration in English. (He majored in it while I minored in it.
We both have identical LSAT scores (I know writing both and identical is redundant, but I wanted to stay repetitive)
We both dislike Adrian Sullivan. (A figure in the Magic: the Gathering world who deserves to be hated.)
We both like the modern format of Magic the best.
We both are incredibly sarcastic, deadpan, and quick-witted.
We both refuse alcohol.
Differences:
He has a summer internship already set up.
I play sports.
He does his reading.
I play sports.
I had a slightly higher undergrad GPA.
He is way nicer and more outgoing than I am.
He is hilarious in class.
He is from Michigan.
That's all I've got.
We talked for like four hours today, and it got to the point where it was a little weird how similar we were. He concentrated in a different area of philosophy than I did, and I basically don't remember philosophy classes anymore (whereas he finished writing his thesis less than a year ago). But yeah, pretty cool.
I got more free food today. I also played more handball yesterday and today. Yesterday really reinforced the idea that I'm not missing out that much by missing club time. It's likely that the times I'm missing (Thursdays) have a higher caliber of player, since it's not a league night, but I never let a person (or team) get to double digits on me yesterday. Or today for that matter. Today was cool because I was using the new ball that we'll use for the tournament. I played a game of doubles with John, a game with Kara, and two games with Joe (my partner). The scores were 21-8, 21-4, 21-9, 21-6 (or 7 or something) respectively. So it turns out it doesn't really matter who my partner is against those guys (Dane and Nick). Draws for this weekend are posted. It seems I will be in for some hard-fought handball. I wish they had seeded us better than fourth so we didn't have to play the people we are playing, but it's all just pointless complaining, really.
I'm starting to get excited for North Carolina. It feels like it's coming right up!
I forgot I had a class that conflicted with the jugglers yesterday, so no updates there.
Here are some things I had written in a draft of a post to tide you over, since this isn't that long:
I subscribed to this YouTube channel. So when you see their videos popping up here with regularity, you don't have to wonder why. There are some duds (for me), sure, but there's a good ratio of stuff I actually like. Worth it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leE4_k9zxEI
I liked this because... well, because I thought it was good. There's not much more to say. It felt like a short story, but in poem form. Which I think really helped her be direct and abrasive. The thing about this style I don't like is how I can hear the audience's reaction. It throws me out of the listening experience sometimes. Even when I agree, it's like, "come on guys, keep it down, I'm trying to listen here."
http://gizmodo.com/can-sochi-get-its-shit-together-1514828222/@Tom_Ley
First off, I have written five pages but I don't like what I've written/it isn't organized at all. So while it's technically five pages, all I really like are a couple of poems. And it's getting late, so I plan on editing/expanding on it tomorrow during my six hours of downtime between morning class and evening class.
A development has occurred. I have met another version of myself. Here are some similarities I have with Ian:
We both play Magic: the Gathering.
We both read the Dark Tower series recently (I had a half-hour animated freak out session about this).
We both watch starcraft videos and don't actually play starcraft.
We both watch the same starcraft video people.
We both have attempted to watch League of Legends (another video game) and couldn't get into it.
We both majored in philosophy.
We both had a second concentration in English. (He majored in it while I minored in it.
We both have identical LSAT scores (I know writing both and identical is redundant, but I wanted to stay repetitive)
We both dislike Adrian Sullivan. (A figure in the Magic: the Gathering world who deserves to be hated.)
We both like the modern format of Magic the best.
We both are incredibly sarcastic, deadpan, and quick-witted.
We both refuse alcohol.
Differences:
He has a summer internship already set up.
I play sports.
He does his reading.
I play sports.
I had a slightly higher undergrad GPA.
He is way nicer and more outgoing than I am.
He is hilarious in class.
He is from Michigan.
That's all I've got.
We talked for like four hours today, and it got to the point where it was a little weird how similar we were. He concentrated in a different area of philosophy than I did, and I basically don't remember philosophy classes anymore (whereas he finished writing his thesis less than a year ago). But yeah, pretty cool.
I got more free food today. I also played more handball yesterday and today. Yesterday really reinforced the idea that I'm not missing out that much by missing club time. It's likely that the times I'm missing (Thursdays) have a higher caliber of player, since it's not a league night, but I never let a person (or team) get to double digits on me yesterday. Or today for that matter. Today was cool because I was using the new ball that we'll use for the tournament. I played a game of doubles with John, a game with Kara, and two games with Joe (my partner). The scores were 21-8, 21-4, 21-9, 21-6 (or 7 or something) respectively. So it turns out it doesn't really matter who my partner is against those guys (Dane and Nick). Draws for this weekend are posted. It seems I will be in for some hard-fought handball. I wish they had seeded us better than fourth so we didn't have to play the people we are playing, but it's all just pointless complaining, really.
I'm starting to get excited for North Carolina. It feels like it's coming right up!
I forgot I had a class that conflicted with the jugglers yesterday, so no updates there.
Here are some things I had written in a draft of a post to tide you over, since this isn't that long:
I subscribed to this YouTube channel. So when you see their videos popping up here with regularity, you don't have to wonder why. There are some duds (for me), sure, but there's a good ratio of stuff I actually like. Worth it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leE4_k9zxEI
I liked this because... well, because I thought it was good. There's not much more to say. It felt like a short story, but in poem form. Which I think really helped her be direct and abrasive. The thing about this style I don't like is how I can hear the audience's reaction. It throws me out of the listening experience sometimes. Even when I agree, it's like, "come on guys, keep it down, I'm trying to listen here."
http://gizmodo.com/can-sochi-get-its-shit-together-1514828222/@Tom_Ley
The olympic village looks to be a crazy disaster. I'm sure most people have heard about this, but I certainly hadn't (in my isolated bubble, willfully ignorant of the news).
My sister emailed me. I responded at length. Probably too much length. I don't think I was mean. I've been wrong about that before.
So yeah, I'll write more here tomorrow, and I'll get up the decent parts of my free writing. But I have an early class, and I want to read a bit before I fall asleep. Thanks for reading!
PS: I just remember I lied. I let a doubles team get to double digits yesterday. Alex and I went down 3-12 before winning 21-14.
February 3, 2014
Post postscript post post
I had to title it that. I'm sure you understand.
I realized that during my break highlights I never mentioned the run I went for with David. Which was stupid of me, since that was definitely one of my highlights. It is actually perfect that he took up running, because as we've stopped seeing each other (ever), it has become harder and harder to actually talk with him. The problem is that what we've usually done is play video games, but while playing video games, very little conversation occurs that is outside the realm of video games. This wasn't a problem when we saw each other all the time, because eventually we would either grow tired of video games, we would need to eat, or something would happen that eventually led to us talking about other stuff. But when we only see each other once or twice, the conversation part doesn't really happen. Until recently, when I went on a run. We run slower when we talk, but it's still a decent workout. We just work harder at a slower pace because of the talking. So we are still multitasking, but we actually get to the whole point of being friends, which is awesome. Of course, it still takes us forever to get around to actually saying anything (both because we are boys, and because we don't see each other much), but hey, it's a definite improvement.
I received an email with the following text in it:
I realized that during my break highlights I never mentioned the run I went for with David. Which was stupid of me, since that was definitely one of my highlights. It is actually perfect that he took up running, because as we've stopped seeing each other (ever), it has become harder and harder to actually talk with him. The problem is that what we've usually done is play video games, but while playing video games, very little conversation occurs that is outside the realm of video games. This wasn't a problem when we saw each other all the time, because eventually we would either grow tired of video games, we would need to eat, or something would happen that eventually led to us talking about other stuff. But when we only see each other once or twice, the conversation part doesn't really happen. Until recently, when I went on a run. We run slower when we talk, but it's still a decent workout. We just work harder at a slower pace because of the talking. So we are still multitasking, but we actually get to the whole point of being friends, which is awesome. Of course, it still takes us forever to get around to actually saying anything (both because we are boys, and because we don't see each other much), but hey, it's a definite improvement.
I received an email with the following text in it:
This morning, a student exhibiting troubling behavior in a Law School classroom was removed and transported by University Police for crisis assistance. There were no direct physical threats or weapons involved. The Law School is working closely with University officials to ensure that the Law School remains a safe learning environment.
Doesn't exactly inspire confidence, huh? Also, another student has dropped out of our section. I guess things are taking their toll on some.
I enjoyed my corporations class today. My professor is interesting, opinionated, and pretty funny. The material is dry, so reading for class is a pain, but the actual class time itself is good. He has a ton of anecdotes. Hopefully it continues in a similar manner. Of course, I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to have been learning this far, but that will probably sort itself out.
Today we learned that corporations are a great way of limiting liability. They stop a claimant from being able to go after your personal wealth. All they can sue you for in your corporate capacity is your worth in the company. This can be contracted around (banks can make you sign for things personally, etc.), but it can never be gotten around by a tort claim (as long as you keep yourself sufficiently separate from your corporation). So if I run someone over with a company car doing company business, they can only recover what I'm worth in the company. So if I've invested $500 in the company, but I have a million dollars, they only get to recover $500. Their lawyer will obviously try to show I wasn't actually on company business or that I haven't kept myself separate from the company in a meaningful way (this occurs all the time when people start a company for themselves; they file as a corporation, but they mingle bank accounts and expenses, they don't keep official yearly meeting minutes about elections, they don't re-file promptly, etc. and then the lawyer can show the "corporation" is really just the person anyway, and can get at his assets). I'm also still liable for criminal charges (might still go to prison, for example). But my money is likely safe. So as an alternative to insurance, just incorporate yourself! Weird, huh?
In other news, I did this to myself:
You might want some back story. So I had this weird bump on my arm about two weeks ago. I squeezed it, and sure enough, it popped. Some puss came out, and I thought that was the end of that. This isn't that uncommon. Usually it occurs when a hair follicle gets infected or something. Then it swelled up again, and I popped it again. And a third time. And a fourth time (over the course of a few days). Eventually, after ten days, it hadn't completely disappeared. It hadn't gotten any worse, either, so I wasn't like, worried about it or anything. But I did what any rational person would do and poked it with a safety pin to try and drain it for good. I poked it, squeezed it, and a bit of stuff came out. I could feel the swelling in a bit more than the area I poked, so I put the pin back in the same hole and advanced it in the direction of the rest of the swelling. This never hurt, which surprised me. So I kept pushing, out of a sort of morbid curiosity. Before I knew it, the whole pin was in there. I must have found the exact right angle of entry or something, because to move it at all hurt quite a bit, but getting it in there didn't. Also, when I tried from a different hole (my curiosity was in full swing), it hurt and I stopped immediately. So that was really weird. And now the swelling has disappeared completely. I'm pretty proud of myself, I must say.
I wrote a poem a little while ago. I figured I'd share it with the rest of you. Sarah S sent me a poem, and the first couple lines made me think of my own version, so this is a bit of a riff/take on that first bit of hers. Which is also why the style doesn't look quite like something I'd typically write.
In other news, I did this to myself:
You might want some back story. So I had this weird bump on my arm about two weeks ago. I squeezed it, and sure enough, it popped. Some puss came out, and I thought that was the end of that. This isn't that uncommon. Usually it occurs when a hair follicle gets infected or something. Then it swelled up again, and I popped it again. And a third time. And a fourth time (over the course of a few days). Eventually, after ten days, it hadn't completely disappeared. It hadn't gotten any worse, either, so I wasn't like, worried about it or anything. But I did what any rational person would do and poked it with a safety pin to try and drain it for good. I poked it, squeezed it, and a bit of stuff came out. I could feel the swelling in a bit more than the area I poked, so I put the pin back in the same hole and advanced it in the direction of the rest of the swelling. This never hurt, which surprised me. So I kept pushing, out of a sort of morbid curiosity. Before I knew it, the whole pin was in there. I must have found the exact right angle of entry or something, because to move it at all hurt quite a bit, but getting it in there didn't. Also, when I tried from a different hole (my curiosity was in full swing), it hurt and I stopped immediately. So that was really weird. And now the swelling has disappeared completely. I'm pretty proud of myself, I must say.
I wrote a poem a little while ago. I figured I'd share it with the rest of you. Sarah S sent me a poem, and the first couple lines made me think of my own version, so this is a bit of a riff/take on that first bit of hers. Which is also why the style doesn't look quite like something I'd typically write.
I didn't title it.
So I heard you
shouldn't
stare too long into
the sun
so I stared
into your eyes
instead,
I should have
known better,
should have chosen
to have my eyes
seared
once and
be done with it
better that than
tempted
time and again
blinded so gradually
that, finally sightless,
I still think I can see
the faint outlines of love
shining bright as ever,
the lines I memorized
in your irises
radiate from the blackness
a reassurance
that isn't real
better to be blind
and know it
basking in my
blaze of glory
shouldn't
stare too long into
the sun
so I stared
into your eyes
instead,
I should have
known better,
should have chosen
to have my eyes
seared
once and
be done with it
better that than
tempted
time and again
blinded so gradually
that, finally sightless,
I still think I can see
the faint outlines of love
shining bright as ever,
the lines I memorized
in your irises
radiate from the blackness
a reassurance
that isn't real
better to be blind
and know it
basking in my
blaze of glory
better anything
than being told I'm blind
and wondering
for how long.
I forgot to set my next deadline for writing. I think I should have time tonight and tomorrow, but let's set five more pages due by Wednesday. I'll try and make it at least a couple times a week, but school might start picking up here soon, and I would hate to make promises I can't keep. I've started a couple things since last time, but I don't really like them. I might try rhyming something also. I don't know. I will always have five pages due by Sunday, though. That seems like a pretty minimal output, but I've got a life. Sort of. If you count blogging. But there are some new developments that might further cut into my time! I'll get to those. Calm down...
I had made the decision to go a week without listening to music. I spend a lot of my time with headphones in, both because it stops me from having to talk to people, and because I like being distracted from what I consider to be the "worthless" parts of life. But I think it's those parts that actually might give me the time and quiet I need to have something to write about. And now that it seems I will be going without my phone altogether, the not listening to music thing at least is a sure bet. So because you guys didn't know anything about this intention, it looks pretty silly in retrospect. I only made it one day without my headphones before my phone died!
than being told I'm blind
and wondering
for how long.
I forgot to set my next deadline for writing. I think I should have time tonight and tomorrow, but let's set five more pages due by Wednesday. I'll try and make it at least a couple times a week, but school might start picking up here soon, and I would hate to make promises I can't keep. I've started a couple things since last time, but I don't really like them. I might try rhyming something also. I don't know. I will always have five pages due by Sunday, though. That seems like a pretty minimal output, but I've got a life. Sort of. If you count blogging. But there are some new developments that might further cut into my time! I'll get to those. Calm down...
I had made the decision to go a week without listening to music. I spend a lot of my time with headphones in, both because it stops me from having to talk to people, and because I like being distracted from what I consider to be the "worthless" parts of life. But I think it's those parts that actually might give me the time and quiet I need to have something to write about. And now that it seems I will be going without my phone altogether, the not listening to music thing at least is a sure bet. So because you guys didn't know anything about this intention, it looks pretty silly in retrospect. I only made it one day without my headphones before my phone died!
I got the tracking info for the cables in my inbox today. I don't think I've ever had a package I care more about getting here promptly. I don't know whether that's pathetic or what. I mean, on the one hand, I don't usually order things that I'm that excited about. But on the other hand, this is really showing how dependent I am on my phone.
I got two doughnuts from the cafe today. Then two muffins. Then a bagel. So I have breakfast waiting for me in the morning, which is a good feeling. Reassuring, you know? No preparation required. Just get up, and there's a delicious raspberry muffin with my name on it. Excellent. I ate the doughnuts right away. Then I went and rowed until I could taste them again. Blrgh. I think the most important thing about rowing was finding the right form. I can row pretty steadily at the same pace as ever, even though I haven't been doing it regularly. Also, it's astonishing how many people sit down next to me and have no freaking clue what they are supposed to be doing. One guy who sat down next to me today started off with a spasmodic stroke that involved the cable going above shoulder height somehow. I resumed rowing, and he at least started trying to imitate what I was doing, but he still looked pretty hopeless. Then as I was leaving, I saw an older guy sit down, and it was obvious he had done this plenty of times before. But he still didn't lean back to finish his stroke. When he hit the end of his legs pushing, he hunched forward instead of getting the last bit of power out of his body. I felt both superior and guilty. But who am I to say something? I've never actually rowed a boat before.
Today was even more special than usual because this pretty cute blonde girl and her friend came over and (of course) had the worst form imaginable. They didn't even get to the end of their legs pushing out before they were letting the cable pull them back in. I have no idea what they thought they were doing. But the more interesting thing was their conversation. I don't know whether people have gotten so used to everyone wearing headphones in a gym that they feel they won't be heard or (way more likely) they just didn't care who heard, but they were talking about their night out drinking, their sexual encounters, their friend's sexual encounters, and even at one point the fact that the blonde girl had smoked weed with her dad over break. It was a bit depressing, because it really solidified the idea that most people really do partake in at least some aspect of that lifestyle. The fact that they never gave me a second thought just contributed to my feeling of alienation.
On my way into the gym, as I was walking past the free use studios (usually filled with dancers/fitness classes/martial arts people), I saw some people juggling. I glanced at them and continued on my way. Then I went back and watched a bit. Then I went and worked out. On my way out, there was just one guy left working on some deft little three-ball motions. And I went in and talked to him! You know, like I never do ever? So now I know there is a group of people who meet every Monday and Tuesday (this semester) from 2:00 to 4:00. I plan on joining them tomorrow until 4:00, when I'll get on with my handball stuff. How about that! I might actually get to pass some clubs (assuming I can remember how the patterns and everything work). If it goes well, I might ask my dad to bring up some of my stuff when he comes.
Also, there is growing interest in my section in Magic: the Gathering. Some people went to a prerelease this weekend (I didn't, because I don't want to spend money on cards I know I won't use), and they've started talking about getting together regularly. I might become part of a bunch of social groups. This is weird.
Also on the topic of Magic: the Gathering: a bunch of really, really good counterfeits have been found recently. So, much to my chagrin, I may have been exaggerating when I said my cards would always hold their value. Now I'm wondering if I need to take steps to combat this development (either selling out, or trading for cards that are harder to counterfeit). Not what I want to be thinking about right now. Maybe I'll try and make an informed decision when the Minneapolis Grand Prix rolls around in a couple of months. Here's the article if anyone is curious: http://www.starcitygames.com/article/27693_Counterfeit-Cards.html
I don't know how much I put on here about my credit card struggles, but a while ago I returned a $200 textbook and it never showed up on my card. I then had a fun process of trying to make it appear on my card. Well, it seems it has finally sorted itself out. I still have $18 of credit left over after buying some external hard drives for various folks, but I'm glad I got most of that out of the hands of Capital One. I've also gotten my full thousand dollars out of my Magic scholarships from my high school days. I'm running out of random revenue sources!
Man, after all the personal stuff I wrote not long ago, these posts start to seem a bit too bland. Where's the controversy!? Where's the stuff I wonder if it will offend people? Well, for now I can't actually think of anything that qualifies as an update to those posts. I have a hint of something I've been trying to pin down, but I haven't had the willpower to really dig it out of my brain yet, so I guess stay tuned or something.
Five more pages of writing due by Wednesday night.
Thanks for reading!
February 2, 2014
Postscript post
So if you haven't noticed, I didn't get anything uploaded last night. My internet went out at my apartment as I was looking for a replacement charging cable for my phone on eBay, and I hadn't finished five pages yet, so I hadn't uploaded anything. There's something up now though! Under "Free write #1 on my short story blog: http://scantstories.blogspot.com/ I just started writing, didn't have a clue where even the next sentence was coming from, and sort of didn't connect things at all yet. So either it's the start of a longer piece or it isn't really going anywhere. Either way, it was fun to write!
So because I don't have internet at my apartment right now, I'm at the library computer lab. I hate these keyboards now that I'm used to the flat keys of my laptop. One of the things I plan on buying as soon as I have money is a mechanical keyboard with "brown switches." There are different switch types for different uses/preferences, and while I haven't ever gotten the chance to try the different kinds, I've read a lot about them and I think that's the safest bet for the kind I'd like. Not that there's anything wrong with my laptop. This keyboard just reminded me of the fact that I've researched a lot of pretty obscure things.
Speaking of, here's the story of how I convinced myself to spend $60 instead of $6:
So my phone's charging cable stopped working. This is a problem for me. I use my phone for everything. I went to Target to buy a replacement cable, only to see that they were $20. I turned around and left. If I were going to spend $20 on a cable, I might as well just put that money toward a phone case that took a mini-usb cable (which I already have) and not have to worry about my battery running out in the future either! So I went home and looked around online for a better deal. Sure enough, there are tons of cables on eBay for around $3-$5. Wary, I looked up some reviews. Almost universally they said not to get the knock-off cables, as they might stop working unexpectedly, might prompt your phone with an error message, and might just be DOA. So I looked around for certified cables. There are a ton on eBay that say they are certified, but do I believe them? Not really... So rather than spend the $6 on a knockoff, I would be spending $20, but rather than get ripped off like that, I'll just buy a case that I don't really need so I feel like I'm not getting ripped off... Yeah, I'm not sure I quite understand it either. I'll consider it a birthday present to myself or something. The important thing is the peace of mind, right? Yeah, I know I'm grasping at straws. But back to the post!
I said in my last post (the last real one that wasn't some subsection (or subsection of a subsection)) that I had a ton more youtube videos that didn't quite fit in line with the whole "searching for motivation/inspiration/meaning in life" theme. So without further ado:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wG_sAdP0U
This lady did some math. She wanted a Jewish husband with a bunch of other specific qualities, and she lived in a big city. However, after estimating that of the hundreds of thousands of people in her city, only about six of them would meet her specifications, she turned to internet dating. She was not successful. So she did some more math. She set up a points system to figure out how to better filter her results. She got no results. It turned out that the ideal guy she was looking for was not looking for her non-ideal profile. So she did some more research. She figured out a few key elements to profile-creation, and became one of the most sought-after women on her dating site. Then she found true love. It was a pretty interesting story. I'm still not trying internet dating (at least not yet).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqKafI7Amd8
This guy is a show-off. He is a computer hacker, so his showing off is sort of cool, but he's a bit annoying to watch. But if you want to see mosquitoes hunted with lasers, this is the place to go (as well as hotel TV's hacked, credit cards cracked, and people tracked (oh man, that all rhymed so perfectly!)).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MgBikgcWnY
This guy says that you can learn a new skill in twenty hours. He taught himself the ukulele to prove it. It's not a great talk. You probably shouldn't watch it. Just take my word for it, and if you have a skill you want to become decent at, maybe give it a once-over in case there are any tips you can apply.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5wfMNNr3ak
This doctor says the key to eating healthy is to eat a lot of starch. He makes some interesting observations of Asian people. Maybe he's right? It's certainly possible. I was interested enough that I didn't turn it off right away. Potatoes and rice are the way of the future. Who knew?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqpjap8rewo
While we're on the topic of eating healthy, this man made an athletic career out of eating better than his opponents. The goal was to speed up recovery through a good diet, and through a series of trial and error processes he came to the conclusion that plant-based diets are the best ones. He initially came down on the side of starch, but starch requires a significant energy investment to process. So he focused more on food "efficiency." He switched from starch to fruit, amaranth, quinoa, buckwheat and wild rice, because they are seeds rather than grain, and so are more efficient. His calorie intake dropped by 20% and found he was less hungry because he was fulfilling his body's requirements.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMAwnA5WvLc
I don't know if you're as afraid of dying as I am, but this guy is doing some interesting research into how to stop (and reverse) aging. It's sort of cool. Mostly, I'm just trying to find a way to be less scared. I'm staking my hopes on you, crazy-looking-beard-guy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSz5BjExs9o
This is about the 11 dimensions that theoretically exist in the universe. I'm going to watch this video over and over again until I actually understand it. I sort of missed the boat when we discussed this in physics in high school. He intros with flatland, which is a great short story everyone should read if they haven't. A copy is online here: http://www.geom.uiuc.edu/~banchoff/Flatland/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RENk9PK06AQ
This guy used math to write "music" that is patternless. This is different than random. It is carefully planned to have no musical qualities whatsoever. The music starts at 7:40, and the stuff before it is the background story (math mostly, with a bit of sonar-motivation thrown in). I didn't find it unpleasant to listen to, but I'll let you make up your own mind about that.
So because I don't have internet at my apartment right now, I'm at the library computer lab. I hate these keyboards now that I'm used to the flat keys of my laptop. One of the things I plan on buying as soon as I have money is a mechanical keyboard with "brown switches." There are different switch types for different uses/preferences, and while I haven't ever gotten the chance to try the different kinds, I've read a lot about them and I think that's the safest bet for the kind I'd like. Not that there's anything wrong with my laptop. This keyboard just reminded me of the fact that I've researched a lot of pretty obscure things.
Speaking of, here's the story of how I convinced myself to spend $60 instead of $6:
So my phone's charging cable stopped working. This is a problem for me. I use my phone for everything. I went to Target to buy a replacement cable, only to see that they were $20. I turned around and left. If I were going to spend $20 on a cable, I might as well just put that money toward a phone case that took a mini-usb cable (which I already have) and not have to worry about my battery running out in the future either! So I went home and looked around online for a better deal. Sure enough, there are tons of cables on eBay for around $3-$5. Wary, I looked up some reviews. Almost universally they said not to get the knock-off cables, as they might stop working unexpectedly, might prompt your phone with an error message, and might just be DOA. So I looked around for certified cables. There are a ton on eBay that say they are certified, but do I believe them? Not really... So rather than spend the $6 on a knockoff, I would be spending $20, but rather than get ripped off like that, I'll just buy a case that I don't really need so I feel like I'm not getting ripped off... Yeah, I'm not sure I quite understand it either. I'll consider it a birthday present to myself or something. The important thing is the peace of mind, right? Yeah, I know I'm grasping at straws. But back to the post!
I said in my last post (the last real one that wasn't some subsection (or subsection of a subsection)) that I had a ton more youtube videos that didn't quite fit in line with the whole "searching for motivation/inspiration/meaning in life" theme. So without further ado:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wG_sAdP0U
This lady did some math. She wanted a Jewish husband with a bunch of other specific qualities, and she lived in a big city. However, after estimating that of the hundreds of thousands of people in her city, only about six of them would meet her specifications, she turned to internet dating. She was not successful. So she did some more math. She set up a points system to figure out how to better filter her results. She got no results. It turned out that the ideal guy she was looking for was not looking for her non-ideal profile. So she did some more research. She figured out a few key elements to profile-creation, and became one of the most sought-after women on her dating site. Then she found true love. It was a pretty interesting story. I'm still not trying internet dating (at least not yet).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqKafI7Amd8
This guy is a show-off. He is a computer hacker, so his showing off is sort of cool, but he's a bit annoying to watch. But if you want to see mosquitoes hunted with lasers, this is the place to go (as well as hotel TV's hacked, credit cards cracked, and people tracked (oh man, that all rhymed so perfectly!)).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MgBikgcWnY
This guy says that you can learn a new skill in twenty hours. He taught himself the ukulele to prove it. It's not a great talk. You probably shouldn't watch it. Just take my word for it, and if you have a skill you want to become decent at, maybe give it a once-over in case there are any tips you can apply.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5wfMNNr3ak
This doctor says the key to eating healthy is to eat a lot of starch. He makes some interesting observations of Asian people. Maybe he's right? It's certainly possible. I was interested enough that I didn't turn it off right away. Potatoes and rice are the way of the future. Who knew?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqpjap8rewo
While we're on the topic of eating healthy, this man made an athletic career out of eating better than his opponents. The goal was to speed up recovery through a good diet, and through a series of trial and error processes he came to the conclusion that plant-based diets are the best ones. He initially came down on the side of starch, but starch requires a significant energy investment to process. So he focused more on food "efficiency." He switched from starch to fruit, amaranth, quinoa, buckwheat and wild rice, because they are seeds rather than grain, and so are more efficient. His calorie intake dropped by 20% and found he was less hungry because he was fulfilling his body's requirements.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMAwnA5WvLc
I don't know if you're as afraid of dying as I am, but this guy is doing some interesting research into how to stop (and reverse) aging. It's sort of cool. Mostly, I'm just trying to find a way to be less scared. I'm staking my hopes on you, crazy-looking-beard-guy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSz5BjExs9o
This is about the 11 dimensions that theoretically exist in the universe. I'm going to watch this video over and over again until I actually understand it. I sort of missed the boat when we discussed this in physics in high school. He intros with flatland, which is a great short story everyone should read if they haven't. A copy is online here: http://www.geom.uiuc.edu/~banchoff/Flatland/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RENk9PK06AQ
This guy used math to write "music" that is patternless. This is different than random. It is carefully planned to have no musical qualities whatsoever. The music starts at 7:40, and the stuff before it is the background story (math mostly, with a bit of sonar-motivation thrown in). I didn't find it unpleasant to listen to, but I'll let you make up your own mind about that.
My mom asked me what a hipster was a while ago. So as I've forayed into the wild realms of the internet, I have recorded my encounters with the topic. Of course, as usual, the most effective way to figure out what a hipster is would be to google/wikipedia it, but I'll use it to introduce these two videos, which I found to be pretty awesome:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYA8cSQB_rA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAMM-pZLXyQ
This poem, on the other hand, has very little explanation, so it must make up for it by being more than a bit humorous!
Best line: He mounts her...indifferently!
Poetry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lViEIq0Ne8A
I really liked the part where when he's talking about being dishonest, he says:
Stripped gears lying smoothly, pretending that our teeth still fit
(or something to that effect)
Also, he's performing this video in Northfield, Minnesota!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysVlscQtUXE
This poem is just a placeholder for Andrea Gibson's poetry in general. She's got great lines all over the place, and gets in these awesome rhyming sections, but she isn't afraid to move in and out of rhyme schemes as it suits her in the same poem. I don't really like the vibrato in her voice. It feels affected, as though she thinks it will add emotion. But the poem is already emotional enough! A video with better audio of the same poem is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoY0ukxLtms but I liked the intro she had in that one, so I put it first.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4jbCgMqSew
You'd think I was a lesbian or something with these last two selections, huh? This one is cute. I can't think of a better term. It's just nice to hear a poem that's so obvious with its intention, so, I don't know, pure? Is that the word? I'd use the word innocent, but I know some people assign that different meaning than I do. So maybe the word is unpresuming.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0okLJv_4wY
So either all the poems in this related-link-train I'm on are sexual or only poems that are about sex are catching my eye, or (and this might be the most likely) people write about sex in more original, more honest, and more interesting ways than they write about other topics. And, yet again, this one's by a homosexual. I guess the gays are just better at poetry... Also, he's hilarious. And whew! When the poem transitions it really turns a corner! I don't know if I like that abruptness, but it sure was memorable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJeSo1JEwJs
So if you assume that she wrote this to be funny (with a side of indignation) rather than to be indignant with a side of humor, it's actually really funny. If you assume she's a hyper-feminist crazy person, then it gets a bit too "in your face." I interpreted it to be humor first. So I think it's hilarious.
Other stuff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89-SerAttxE
This guy put an engine on his kayak. He still steers with his paddle. It's pretty crazy looking. You have to watch some Top Gear to see it, and it's only shown in brief snippets (because this is a car show, after all), but since I know Piper, I couldn't not pass this along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rbVQNTzCh8
This guy's main point is that if we want to focus on our creativity, we have to become boring in many other aspects of our lives. I've already employed some of these things. I eat boring things. I buy the same groceries every two weeks, for instance. Well, except for this week. Segue time (you get the point of this video anyway, right?)! I was going to go to Target anyway to buy a cable for my phone (before I knew they were $20), so I took along my Cub Foods coupons and went shopping there instead of Aldi. And I figured since I was there, and it was a pretty rare occasion, I'd branch out a bit. So I bought the things I had coupons for, and not much else. But I had a coupon for waffles. And frozen pizza! So I'm living crazy as of now. I have chocolate chip and blueberry waffles (two separate packages, though I eat them in sandwiches of one of each because the combination is so good), and I bought some summer sausage (I was feeling nostalgic, and it reminds me of eating at my Grandma's house). And I had a coupon for pepperjack cheese. Basically, life is good. Except I didn't buy milk or eggs because those are still cheaper at Aldi. So I still need to go shopping. Also, my peanut butter coupon didn't register, so I wound up buying that at full price (giving rise to the line about losing $2 at the self-checkout in my little free-write). Plus, fruit is more expensive there, so I only bought oranges (they were the least different in price).
What the hell!?
David linked to this on Facebook. Don't watch it if you don't like really random bloody violence. It's actually just insane. It's supposedly a commercial to get kids to stay in school. What I can't quite figure out is how romanticizing the concept of skipping school and then blowing people to bits really accomplishes. Weird...
So, until my charger gets here, don't expect me to text you back. I will have my iPad with me at all times, so I'll be able to email whenever. Well, assuming the internet is working at my apartment, which seems to be a bigger and bigger assumption these days. My laptop also has a (pretty terrible) camera and microphone, so I could skype or google video call if email were unacceptable.
Thanks for reading!
PS: Update: I didn't actually buy the case after all. I found a lot of more than one cable for my phone that had a bunch of good reviews, so I bought that for $5 instead. Hopefully it gets here soon!
Also, I added an update to "secrets" found "here." It's not much, but I said I'd alert you if I edited my past posts, so there you go.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYA8cSQB_rA
This is a bit explanatory, and also a bit humorous. Also, why wouldn't I link to another Charlie video?
This poem, on the other hand, has very little explanation, so it must make up for it by being more than a bit humorous!
Best line: He mounts her...indifferently!
Poetry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lViEIq0Ne8A
I really liked the part where when he's talking about being dishonest, he says:
Stripped gears lying smoothly, pretending that our teeth still fit
(or something to that effect)
Also, he's performing this video in Northfield, Minnesota!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysVlscQtUXE
This poem is just a placeholder for Andrea Gibson's poetry in general. She's got great lines all over the place, and gets in these awesome rhyming sections, but she isn't afraid to move in and out of rhyme schemes as it suits her in the same poem. I don't really like the vibrato in her voice. It feels affected, as though she thinks it will add emotion. But the poem is already emotional enough! A video with better audio of the same poem is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoY0ukxLtms but I liked the intro she had in that one, so I put it first.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4jbCgMqSew
You'd think I was a lesbian or something with these last two selections, huh? This one is cute. I can't think of a better term. It's just nice to hear a poem that's so obvious with its intention, so, I don't know, pure? Is that the word? I'd use the word innocent, but I know some people assign that different meaning than I do. So maybe the word is unpresuming.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0okLJv_4wY
So either all the poems in this related-link-train I'm on are sexual or only poems that are about sex are catching my eye, or (and this might be the most likely) people write about sex in more original, more honest, and more interesting ways than they write about other topics. And, yet again, this one's by a homosexual. I guess the gays are just better at poetry... Also, he's hilarious. And whew! When the poem transitions it really turns a corner! I don't know if I like that abruptness, but it sure was memorable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJeSo1JEwJs
So if you assume that she wrote this to be funny (with a side of indignation) rather than to be indignant with a side of humor, it's actually really funny. If you assume she's a hyper-feminist crazy person, then it gets a bit too "in your face." I interpreted it to be humor first. So I think it's hilarious.
Other stuff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89-SerAttxE
This guy put an engine on his kayak. He still steers with his paddle. It's pretty crazy looking. You have to watch some Top Gear to see it, and it's only shown in brief snippets (because this is a car show, after all), but since I know Piper, I couldn't not pass this along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rbVQNTzCh8
This guy's main point is that if we want to focus on our creativity, we have to become boring in many other aspects of our lives. I've already employed some of these things. I eat boring things. I buy the same groceries every two weeks, for instance. Well, except for this week. Segue time (you get the point of this video anyway, right?)! I was going to go to Target anyway to buy a cable for my phone (before I knew they were $20), so I took along my Cub Foods coupons and went shopping there instead of Aldi. And I figured since I was there, and it was a pretty rare occasion, I'd branch out a bit. So I bought the things I had coupons for, and not much else. But I had a coupon for waffles. And frozen pizza! So I'm living crazy as of now. I have chocolate chip and blueberry waffles (two separate packages, though I eat them in sandwiches of one of each because the combination is so good), and I bought some summer sausage (I was feeling nostalgic, and it reminds me of eating at my Grandma's house). And I had a coupon for pepperjack cheese. Basically, life is good. Except I didn't buy milk or eggs because those are still cheaper at Aldi. So I still need to go shopping. Also, my peanut butter coupon didn't register, so I wound up buying that at full price (giving rise to the line about losing $2 at the self-checkout in my little free-write). Plus, fruit is more expensive there, so I only bought oranges (they were the least different in price).
What the hell!?
David linked to this on Facebook. Don't watch it if you don't like really random bloody violence. It's actually just insane. It's supposedly a commercial to get kids to stay in school. What I can't quite figure out is how romanticizing the concept of skipping school and then blowing people to bits really accomplishes. Weird...
So, until my charger gets here, don't expect me to text you back. I will have my iPad with me at all times, so I'll be able to email whenever. Well, assuming the internet is working at my apartment, which seems to be a bigger and bigger assumption these days. My laptop also has a (pretty terrible) camera and microphone, so I could skype or google video call if email were unacceptable.
Thanks for reading!
PS: Update: I didn't actually buy the case after all. I found a lot of more than one cable for my phone that had a bunch of good reviews, so I bought that for $5 instead. Hopefully it gets here soon!
Also, I added an update to "secrets" found "here." It's not much, but I said I'd alert you if I edited my past posts, so there you go.
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