I think I've been having trouble deciding which times are the times I feel like myself recently. There's the version of myself that forgets I'm unhappy and alone, and it's easy to get caught up in that feeling, but if I always revert back to my "normal" acknowledgment of emptiness, is that the real me? Or is this supposed to be a process of converting myself into the person who can ignore their underlying feeling of substantial lacking? I'm used to both feelings at this point, and it really just comes down to which one I feel like indulging. Or which one the people around me will let me indulge. It's basically impossible for me to feel like things are inadequate when I'm talking to Sarah, for example. There's just always some sarcastic remark, funny anecdote, or poignant reminiscence occurring that doesn't let me focus on the big picture. Something a bit strange happened on Saturday, though. We talked for more than four hours, and it got to the point where I noticed I was "waking up" from the feeling at intervals. I would be joking along, or fully engaged, and then something small would trigger and I would just go quiet as I thought about how the conversation was such a temporary thing.
The parallel to my little obsession with death is obvious. I've had countless conversations (both with myself and others) about how I can't stop thinking about it, being overwhelmed, and ultimately unhappy because of the sheer futility of it all. It's the exact same thing as waking up from the happiness of being involved in a conversation, except the thing I'm waking up from is life! Putting things in a bigger perspective is troubling no matter what level, it seems. Taking a step back from the conversation makes me realize the fact that I don't have occasion to talk in depth and with no holds barred very often. It's broken up into weird facets. I can talk about everything, as long as I spread it out among the appropriate people. I can commiserate with Greg about our lack of girlfriends, I can talk upbeat with handball people and make sexual innuendos with John, John, Brian, and Dane. I can make clever jokes with casual law school acquaintances, but none of it is as wholesome as being able to just say whatever comes to mind. I get to talk about almost as much with my mom, of course, which is an amazing outlet that I use all to frequently. Sarah has basically called me out for still being attached, but it always comes down to who you share the most experience with. Who knows enough to understand so you don't have to re-explain everything to give a background before launching into whatever it is that needs talking about. And she's amazing enough that she always seems to pick up the phone. I'm a lucky kid. (An almost 25 year-old kid.) Anyway, the conversations always go the same way, with an acknowledgment that there's no benefit to focusing on death, since there's nothing I can do about it, and no way to know about it either. So why do it? My usual response is, because it's obviously important. It's almost like I'm the first human again. We are all the first human when it comes to this, since we all know exactly as much as every person before us. We are all in the original position of not knowing what will happen when we die. So we have choices; we can believe something without justification, we can admit we know nothing and put it out of our mind, or we can keep banging our heads against the wall and hope someday it cracks. And I know it's futile, but I also know that for thousands of years, people either thought they knew how matter worked, admitted they didn't know how matter work, or kept chipping away. And there's still a fundamental gap in our knowledge about that area too. But when I know something is important, I can't just let it go. I can leave it for a while, and hope that when I come back to it I have a fresh angle, but the mere fact that it is the most important thing I can think of ensures I will be drawn back. That metaphorical moth to the flame. And, ironically enough, death is waiting for me when I get close enough to touch my flame too, since that's the only way to know anything, after all.
It gives life an interesting cyclical rhythm. I thought it was seasonal, since I'd heard so much about SAD and it sounded convenient, but it hasn't been drawing me that much recently. I think it's still so much easier to get frustrated about the smaller (still big) things in life than it is to get caught up in that overwhelming abyss, that as long as I have enough to do, when I'm done for the day my brain turns first to my worldly troubles, and by the time it might normally get around to the meaninglessness of all of it, I'm either on to the next thing, writing to sort out my brain (since life's troubles seem imminently more solvable (whether or not that's actually true is more doubtful)), or asleep.
It turns out I owe my sister an apology. I guess it wasn't common knowledge she and Kurt were able to secure spots to worlds, and because I wrote about it, things happened not according to plan. So that sucks, and I wish I had had more context. I was just happy and wanted to congratulate her, but I should have erred on the side of personal message rather than a public medium, I suppose. So I'm sorry, Sarah! I'm still happy for you though!
It turns out I have a mouse in my apartment. I'm trying to ascertain the viability of training it, while simultaneously trying to figure out what I actually should do about it. I mean, it obviously got in without using the door, so there's likely a way out I don't know about. So should I just assume it will realize there are probably apartments with more food than mine (since my cupboards are currently empty), should I attempt to trap it (not kill it), or should I just bite the bullet and go for the swift execution? I can't stop thinking about the mouse in The Green Mile whenever I see it, so I can't really bring myself to go for the death route. But I also don't have a spool for it to push or a motorcycle for it to ride, so I don't know about the training either. What I do know is that my apartment probably isn't big enough for the two of us. I mean, I have a hard enough time squeezing myself into my closet. The mouse chose poorly.
I found a neat nutrition/exercise guide called "The Truth About Six Pack Abs" I've always been way more attracted to abs and desiring of nice abs than any other body part, so the title grabbed me, but it turns out (as I already basically knew) that the key to abs isn't working your abs. It's getting your body fat below 10%. At least for guys. Girls only have to shoot for 18-20% before their abs start showing through nicely, but they store more fat in their hips and thighs and stuff, so I guess they have their own problems. I read all of it between yesterday and today, and it lined up pretty well with what I was already doing, except that it had a few more details about types of food and eating schedules than I was currently using. It also included a few good body-weight exercises I plan on adopting, as well as some full-body lifts I haven't tried. So maybe the next time I go shopping (soon) I'll try and buy things that will help conform to the six small meals a day schedule. I'm not sure I really have time to keep track of all that right now, though. I mean, I technically do, but I know my studying schedule, my handball schedule, and my tendency to stay here in the computer lab at odd times will be working in contradiction to the strict schedule thing. I think it would be way easier if I had a nine to five job, but then I'd be miserable because I had a nine to five job, so I'll take the trade-off.
One thing I do want to incorporate is to drink more tea. The author said green, oolong, and white tea all have good effects on the metabolism, and I think I can incorporate that without too much trouble. Plus, I've always heard green tea was good for me, so I might as well start. Granted, I don't really care for the taste, but I don't hate it either. The only problem is that it will make me miss all the people who used to make tea all the time! Again, probably a decent trade-off. So I need to buy tea.
I spent the past hour watching highlights of soccer goals. Here they are in case you're as in need of staying awake as I was:
Ronaldinho bicycle kicks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7odTNguD4Zo
Ronaldinho best goals:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Arb7XPG-jw
Lionel Messi 50 best goals:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEhniGlFDtA
Christiano Ronaldo 50 best goals:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoDb4t9N3c8
Compilation of soccer tricks (heavily featuring Ronaldinho)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxOeyJ8EWZY
I've also been looping Watsky's song "Sloppy Seconds" in my free minutes between class. I really love the opening two verses:
[Verse 1]
Fuck you if you love a car for its paint job
Love you if you love a car for the road trips
Show me the miles and your arms and the pink scar
Where the doctor had to pull out all the bone chips
Cause you were pressing on the gas just a bit hard
Right in the moment where the road curved a bit sharp
And when you woke up
Somebody was unclipping your seat belt
And pulling you from the open window of your flipped car
[Hook]
Cold pizza, tie-dye shirts
Broken hearts, give'm here, give'm here
Hand me downs, give me give me leftovers
Give me give me sloppy seconds
Give em here, give em here
I don't care where you've been
How many miles, I still love you (2x)
[Verse 2]
Show me someone who says they got no baggage
I'll show you somebody whose got no story
Nothing gory means no glory, but baby please don't bore me
We won't know until we get there
The who, or the what, or the when where
My favorite sweater was a present that I got a couple presidents ago
And I promised that I would rock it till it's thread bare
Bet on it
Every single person gotta couple skeletons
So pretty soon, in this room
It'll just be me and you when we clear out all the elephants
Me and you and the elements
We all have our pitfalls
Beer's flat, the cabs have been called
And everybody and their momma can hear the drama that's happening behind these thin walls.
Song here:
Well, it's late enough that if I go to bed I will probably get enough sleep to get through the night, so I'm going to head home. Thanks for reading!
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