This Post Unintentionally Lacking in Humor

What Weights Tell Me

I can push a 130 pound
piece of debris off my chest
if I’m trapped in a disaster,
but this other weight remains after
I re-rack the bar.

I can rise up from a squat
carrying you,
but you’ll have to leave
those worries behind.
It’s you or them.
I can’t carry both.

Poem:
I had the rough idea for this poem a while ago, but it really clarified itself in my mind recently. I think the message is pretty self-evident, so I won't elaborate on that. Suffice to say, I'm not a people person, and the idea of dealing with other peoples' problems has always caught me a bit off guard. I'm rarely prepared for people's burdens, and don't trust myself to give good advice.

Observation:
I used to think profanity was just a way for people who lacked a decent vocabulary to express themselves. I interpreted expletives as "I'm too unintelligent to come up with an original exclamation." I have changed my mind somewhat, and for reasons that are rather unrelated to each other. The first is that "profanity" is obviously a relative term. Things that used to be profane are now commonplace, and today's profanity is so universal that I'm not sure it even deserves the gasps it receives. Have you noticed that old R-rated movies would pass as PG-13 today in many cases? PG-13 movies these days are allowed one F-bomb apiece, and I'm sure that number will go up based on the number of elementary school-aged kids I've heard using it casually. So I'm not sure that profanity even really exists. Does saying fudge or heck really change the intent behind the exclamation? I think not.
The second reason I've decided I don't think profanity is indicative of substandard intelligence has to do with the fact that I've been watching a lot of standup comedians on the internet recently, and they all swear. But they're still hilarious. And a lot of the time the reason they're hilarious has everything to do with the fact that degrees in linguistic intensity add to their delivery. Now, if what I've said above is the case, then these "degrees" are disappearing and language is being homogenized, but as things are now, these guys are great. A perfect example of this is George Carlin. Yeah, he was a paranoid, but he was an insightful one, and what really matters is that he's hilarious whether you agree with him or not. (I happen to agree with a lot of it.) But if I were put off by profanity, his humor would lose some appeal.

Exercise:
"Letter of Complaint"
Your character, who is odd (either somewhat or extremely), writes a letter of protest to the manager of his or her local grocery store. Write the letter.

Dear Sir,
I happened to notice the last time I was in your store that your employees have little respect for people of advanced age. Not only did they keep asking me if they could assist me (as if I were some decrepit old man who couldn't even lift a banana), they constantly assumed I was both blind and hard of hearing. If anything, shouldn't my glasses be an indication that I can see? And if another young man shouts a suggestion to me about my selection, he will find whatever item he is sure I need whizzing toward his skull. We'll see if he asks if I need help picking it up after it bounces off. I'm sure you have the occasional retiree come in who really can't lift the bag of flour from the bottom shelf into his cart, but I guarantee if your employees talk to him civilly at first and assume that he is, essentially, just another guy, they will be far less likely to be surprised by a seemingly accidental toppling of displays later. (While we are on that topic, I feel I owe you an apology for your Ritz Cracker pyramid. I'm sure you can understand, though, that in my geriatric state, I can hardly be expected to possess precision control of my cart.)

Respectfully,
William Hendrith

Me:
I genuinely can't decide whether I like the color pink because it's a fun color or because it's fun to have people think I like the color pink. All I know is, it's amusing either way. I get more attention for that than almost anything else, even to the point where, when my girlfriend's sister turned down some mittens, they were passed to me because of their coloring. Which is awesome. Also, my parents got me a pink Wii-mote recently. There seems to be a pattern. If you like something strange, people will buy it for you because it reminds them of you. Use this as you see fit.