Is there such a thing as a post-cursor post?

Me:
Steve Jobs said to find something you want to do. He said he woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror and asked himself if he really wanted to do what he was going to do that day, and if the answer was no too many times in a row, he needed to change something. He said that life is far too short to spend it doing anything other than exactly what you want.

I happen to be in a privileged position. I have a comfortable life, a family who supports me, and a good education (so far). So why don't I take Steve Jobs' advice? Why don't I spend every day doing exactly what I want? Obviously, there are limitations, but I am nowhere close to being happy with how I spend my days. I'm content, I suppose. I think that's the bane of people in my situation. People of my generation have parents who put them in a comfortable setting. They have worked their entire lives building a base which can support a child comfortably. So we are comfortable. I'm not sure how many people I know who are doing exactly what they want or are in the process of getting there. Maybe a few. The rest of us pretend we are looking at things pragmatically. We say "oh, of course I'd  rather be doing something else, but it's just not practical. I have more to think about." The truth is that I don't. Right now is the time in my life to get hungry. There's a reason there are so many rags to riches stories. It's because it takes a hunger to drive a person to accomplish something and to keep accomplishing. It's nearly impossible to find this hunger when you grow up wanting for nothing.

Again, Steve Jobs had an answer. He reminded us that death is going to come, and that it helped apply pressure to his work. Knowing he was going to die made him productive.

That is undoubtedly the correct response. Unfortunately, acknowledging that and adopting the appropriate mindset are two very different things. It is far too easy to look at death's approach and say "to hell with it, nothing matters," or to cling too hard to the moments as they inevitably slip away.

I was reminded of all this again last Saturday at my cyclocross race. I had the option of attending a Pro Tour Qualifying tournament for Magic: The Gathering instead, but the fact that it was seven hours away and the race was put on by my cycling team persuaded me to stay. I rode less than half the race. It took me about two laps to realize I wasn't having any fun, nor would that be changing. It took me another two laps to decide that it wasn't worth finishing. I don't regret stopping. I don't even really regret not attending the PTQ seven hours away. It's always too easy to look back and think things would have been better if I had done something else, but the truth is that, for all I know, I would have crashed my car driving in a tired stupor either to or from the tournament. Or I would have gotten there, gotten my cards, and been outmatched in every round. What I do regret is not giving myself enough credit when I thought it would be more fun to go play Magic.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. Steve Jobs said to do exactly what you want and not to settle. If you're not happy, keep looking. Well, I've looked at (or at least thought about) a lot of different things, and I'm not really sure how many more there are to consider. All I've succeeded in doing so far is eliminating all but a few choices, and those seem so be focused more along the lines of continuing contentment than a passionate calling. I suppose there needs to be some risk involved. There needs to be a threat of failure in order to spark success. Right now, I don't have that element. I'm safe knowing that if something doesn't work out, I have other options. Is it possible for me to abandon this safety if I think it could propel me to actually accomplish something? I'm honestly not sure. I know I'm going to apply to law schools. If I get accepted, that might be the end of that. I'll be on my road toward contentment. There's probably nothing wrong with that. What's left in the meantime is some number of months to use in whatever manner suits me. I don't look in the mirror every morning, but if I did, I'm pretty sure it's been too many days in a row of unenthusiastic "no's."

I'm not sure what it will take to wake up excited for the day. It might be writing. It might be traveling. It might be being an astronaut. Of the three, the only one that's really feasible is writing, though. Maybe that's a good place to start. I know I haven't really figured anything out, but it helps to write it down.