I am in the middle of my journal petition. Which consists of reading 375 pages of legal material and writing a 20 page paper on it in the span of 14 days. Oh, and there's editing exercises also. But that's not the reason I'm posting.
Weirdly, the reason I'm posting is probably because I'm tired. Or in that odd limbo between feeling like I should be tired (and either ignoring the effects (yet operating under their influence)) and not knowing what to do with myself. And I want to write. It's weird how I always want to write. But I never want to write about anything. And it's gotten so old hat at this point. As anyone who's followed my blog for more than a couple posts knows, my attempts at taking this seriously have been pathetic. And trying to take a hard line stance on the issue hasn't helped. I wrote a decent amount for a while there, but as always, other things took over. I let other things take over. I played in handball tournaments, I studied for finals, I alternated between trying to be healthy and trying not to stress about being healthy.
So here's where I make a list of things that happened this year (otherwise known as bragging):
I won money in two handball tournaments (Tallcorn, Milwaukee)
I passed my first semester classes without trying.
I won a bunch of little handball tournaments.
I made a friend and a bunch of acquaintances.
I got in better shape (marginal, yet acceptable)
I got poorer.
I decided I probably won't want to be a lawyer, though I haven't ruled it out entirely.
I decided I will probably get a PhD after law school (probably in molecular biology).
I avoided spending money on magic (except one tournament entry).
I ate a lot of free food.
I gradually wrecked by bike.
I grew more comfortable talking to people (client interviews, oral arguments, general back and forth).
I took my second semester finals (results TBD)
I am petitioning (results TBD).
I decided I like Minneapolis.
I didn't write (at least nothing significant).
And through all of this, what I really wanted was to buy time until I had something real to write about. But you know what doesn't happen? Anything, at least by itself. It's not like any of the things I'm doing are expanding my horizons, giving me new things to say. I told myself that maybe with time I would have something to say about my past relationship. Maybe I was still too close to it. I know when I've tried to write about it, I still can't use imagery because I always regress into concepts rather than concrete examples. It's so easy to write about "losing love," but so difficult to say it in the form of something real. So I assumed I was still too close to it. I guess I'm still too close to it. Which is annoying at this point, because just like my flirtation with writing, hearing me talk about my relationship is entirely played out. I can only imagine the eye-rolling "I guess I still have to humor him" reaction on the other end of any conversation at this point. And it's completely justified.
Between my three finals I wrote around 10,000 words. Each final was three hours. And the weird thing is, I didn't write enough. I'm not stressing about it, because 1) there's no point; what's done is done and 2) I don't care that much about my grades as long as I still have a scholarship at the end of all this. But also 3) if I care, then if I fail I will be disappointed. And as has been firmly established by now, it's a lot easier to not commit than it is to commit and fail.
There is a Magic player named Gerry Thompson who was recently on a podcast. (The link can be found here if you care: http://manadeprived.com/eh-team-177-cant-blame-badger/) He decided he was going to put all of his effort into chasing being a platinum-level pro (an achievement which basically enables you to play magic as your job). He was in a good position to do it. People don't decided to do it out of the blue. Usually they have a couple good results and then they decided "well, I've gotten this far without going the extra mile, let's make it happen." And then it either works or it doesn't. In Gerry's case, he flew to Europe, changed his life around a bit, and didn't make it. He came very close. In the interview, he says that it was the first time he's tried for anything in his life. He is quite accomplished by almost any standard. He is a respected author for the community, he performs well, and he has made a decent amount of money. After he failed, he quit. He took an internship designing magic cards and gave up playing for basically a year. He's back now, which is what the interview was about.
Gerry and I are similar in quite a few ways, which I'll take the time to point out despite their obviousness. I probably appear relatively accomplished to an outside observer, but I know I've never really applied myself. I take opportunities as they present themselves, and I operate well under these sorts of fake-stress conditions. Gerry came to the conclusion that he shouldn't have tried. He should have just kept doing what was working and let the chips fall as they may. He didn't like the stress, he didn't like having put himself out there, etc. And that's tempting.
To bring this full circle (meaning: back to talking about stupid things everyone has heard way too much about from me), I've been wondering recently if I ever even tried. Did I ever fight for my girl? My writing? My education?
I've told myself that it's fine. I didn't have to fight for my girl because "I believe everyone has the right to make their own choices." I didn't have to fight for my writing because "I'll have more experiences to write about/don't have time now anyway/a million other reasons." And I definitely didn't have to fight for my education. Because "it was easy, and I don't need a 4.0 anyway." And you know what? I'm fine with almost all of that. Except sometimes when I'm lonely, I wish I had fought for my girl. When I'm filling out job applications, I wish I had tried at school. And when I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life, I wish I had really committed to writing (and that I wasn't lonely).
I have a policy of not regretting my actions. I know they were justified in the moment, and that things are probably as good as they would have been otherwise. Objectively, I know I wouldn't be happy right now if I had chosen differently about any of these issues. I know that getting published is next to impossible. I know it involves things and processes I wouldn't like doing. I know that if in some weird world I was dating someone long distance, things would be much harder than they are now. There is an ideal world where I'm happily married, writing every day and not caring about money. And it's so easy to wonder if there was a route to that world.
But Gerry had an ideal world where he was a platinum pro, and he went about it as best he could. There was a way to get there. Other people did it, after all. But the odds weren't good. And let me tell you, winning at magic is a lot simpler than winning at life.
So that's the end of that segment. I sort of want to use this post to sum up my first year of law school. Unfortunately, what I've been telling everyone is basically the truth. I've been asked countless times how my first year went, and I always respond "I don't really know; I was too busy playing handball." I actually haven't been playing as much recently as I was earlier in the year. I've gotten good enough at this point that I've actually started attempting to rest on my laurels, which is stupid, since I have no laurels. I'm just in a weird spot where I can't get good games out of the people that show up to play, and I haven't failed badly enough to want to drill by myself. So basically, I haven't put myself out there for this either. At least I still have the reassurance that "if I really tried, I could be as good as the people that beat me."
I could say something here about how I'm going to try. About how I'm going to jump rope, row, run, and drill every day. And you know what? I might wind up doing that. But I'm tired of breaking promises because I can't hold myself accountable. The temptation is to say that this next promise will be different, but unless I'm making it to someone other than myself, it doesn't mean enough to me to follow through. That has become clear.
(As an aside, this is why I am amazing at group projects. As soon as someone is relying on me, I am proactive, I step my game up, I make sure things get done, etc. But personal projects always get done at the last minute. I single-handedly wrote every group project I was involved in this year. And it was fun. But my own success doesn't mean that much to me.)
Now that I've started thinking about it, it's fun to wander down the "where else does this apply?" train of thought. In tennis I showed up to every practice, every clinic, etc. and worked as hard as I could because I wanted to be a model for what could be accomplished if you put the time and effort in. In handball, I show up to every practice that doesn't conflict with school because I know people will be there and I want to be the guy who puts time in. But I don't try as hard because I don't have to to win. In school I've established my image as the slacker, so I find it impossible to try. The obvious trick, then, is to set an initially high standard, make it a precedent that others are aware of, and use that as fuel for my commitment. This doesn't work for writing because of my insecurity with letting others read what I write. I tried brazenly not being embarrassed, and it almost worked, but then I didn't see any results and reverted back to cowardice.
Even now I backpedal. I hedge my comments with "I know this is played out/old hat" even though if I were just confident, nothing would change. The people reading this aren't reading because they hold me to a high standard; they're reading because they care about me. And if they care about me, they care about what I'm thinking and what's bothering me, even if it really is the same stuff as always. (Here's where I would normally make a commitment to do better about that, but won't because... duh.)
This has been a pretty dissatisfying post to write, which is fitting, because a lack of commitment is itself dissatisfying. I hope I figure out a way to solve this problem. I'm not content with the way things are. So I'm going to leave it at that.
Thanks for reading.
May 18, 2014
April 4, 2014
I tricked myself into posting
All I wanted to do today was write. But this blog doesn't really hold the appeal it once did. I don't feel like I am really communicating with anyone here. And at the same time, I am not 100% comfortable making it my personal journal. So it's been in limbo, and I still don't quite know what to do with it. I like knowing it's here. I like knowing that there's somewhere I can write the things I don't quite know how to say, or the things I don't have the courage to say. I just haven't felt like taking advantage of it recently. So for those that still check here, I apologize. It won't always be this way. I will have things to say again, of course. It could start right up again tomorrow. Or even right now, if I decided I had more to share.
There's an odd assortment of things in my head right now. I'm used to it, I suppose, but I'm not sure what to let out, what to embrace internally, or what to suppress (both from myself and others), especially as far as this blog is concerned.
Here's a quick update about what's been going on since my last post:
I turned in my final writing assignment for legal writing. It will also be my writing sample for moot court, journal, and job applications, so it's sort of important. I'm not thrilled with it, but I'm not disappointed either.
I won that doubles tournament I was talking about. I played one on two for most of it. My partner hit the ball four times in the entire finals match. So that was pretty fun. State singles is coming up soon. People around here take that pretty seriously.
I hurt my back last Saturday and it's still sore. I don't know whether I pulled something or if it's just normal stuff. It doesn't prevent me from doing anything I really want to do, but is a constant reminder that I better really want to do whatever it is I'm thinking about.
My neighbor has become more avid about his guitar playing. I am less thrilled about that than he is.
I played in a Magic tournament. I got my entry fee back, but didn't do that well. I think I can make the appropriate adjustments. In the meantime, Magic for free is generally a good thing in my book.
I have become intrigued by boxing/kickboxing/mma stuff. I've been reading about it and watching videos on technique on and off for a while now. I am wondering about taking some sort of class, but also know I have better uses for my time.
Intramural frisbee has started for the spring season. We won our first game via behind the back passes, no-look scoobers (and hammers), and copious blades. Which is to say, I had a fun time.
I am attending a prom tomorrow. For the fourth time in my life, actually. I should warn Ian that every previous time I have attended a prom, I have wound up in a relationship that spans multiple years. (We are going as sober volunteers. We have the last shift.)
I am still lonely. I wonder if I was lonely before and didn't know it, or if I'm just projecting an emotion that I feel I should be experiencing.
I biked to school in a suit through a blizzard yesterday for a client counseling simulation. That was even less fun than it sounds.
Ah screw it. Let's make this a real post.
A person I knew from the Magic shop in Ames just published a book online. I read the excerpt. It is awful. I don't know what people's standards are these days, but certainly I could meet them. At least, that's what I'll keep telling myself. While not actually trying to get published, of course.
Speaking of contradictions, I am becoming more and more aware of mine with each passing day. Talking with Ian after the Magic tournament really brought out a few things. We were talking about duties to oneself and society. I posited (to the surprise of exactly no one) that we had a duty to ourselves before any duty to the rest of mankind. That makes sense to me on both a personal scale, and also when taken in context with evolution/natural selection. Of course we are built to try and survive no matter what. He asked me about how many lives would have to hang in the balance before I believed it would be irresponsible not to sacrifice myself. I said there was no number. But at the same time, I've also decided internally that there are people in this world I would die for. So while I don't believe that there is a "real" responsibility as far as altruism is concerned, I hold myself to a higher standard.
This got me thinking, and it holds true pretty much across the board. I don't care that my friends drink. I hold myself to a higher standard (assuming, of course, that drinking is a bad thing; you're free to disagree). I don't care that people don't exercise. I hold myself to a higher standard. In general, it seems I don't care that people don't do the things I do as well as I do them (for the most part (and yes, I'm aware I'm egotistical)). I think this is probably both annoying and confusing to people. I know one girl from handball called me "undateable" because I was "too healthy and responsible." Which I found hilarious, but also a bit telling.
Then again, there's a significant part of me that likes the feeling of superiority. It's like I revel in "forgiving" people for not being as awesome as I am. Which is pretty messed up. I wish I had more analysis for this point, but I'll have to think about it a bit more before I can draw more conclusions.
Like the rest of the world, I have jumped aboard the 2048 train. It was mentioned in XKCD, so I downloaded it, and sure enough, it was intriguing. I quickly came up with a pattern of play that produced success. The real challenge, it turns out, is patience. I get caught up in making progress to the extent I overlook some small but important reaction, and then it all falls apart. A very unforgiving game once you get past a certain point. This is as far as I've gotten at this point:
I've been jumping back and forth between watching poetry and watching people talk about their creative process. It's weird how I can't quite sympathize with either one, at least right now.
I crashed my bike for the first time this "winter" on April Fool's Day. I tried to turn while on a frozen puddle covered with snow and wound up with a bruised/scraped knee/shin. It figured that would be the day for nature to pull such a cruel trick. Fresh snow in April? Yup. Crashing my bike? Of course. You win this one, world.
But that didn't even hurt as much as the pedal I took to the back of my calf/ankle the previous day. I have stairs I have to navigate, and I always take the opportunity to pretend I know what I would do in a cyclecross race, but this time I missed the pedal going for the flying mount-up and wound up ramming the entire bike with my weight behind it into my left leg. Ouch. I don't even know how the pedal could have reached the side of my leg, but I am missing skin in about eight places as a result. I'm impressed, really.
At one of my many lunch talks, I was told that 40% of law students become clinically depressed. I'd hate to think what would happen if someone who was already depressed decided to go to law school...
Speaking of the decision to go to law school, another person from the Ames magic crowd recently announced he would be attending Drake for law. His post on Facebook was met with many accolades. I had no idea how to respond. I was happy that he was happy he got in, but I also felt like gloating because I got in there with their most prestigious scholarship and turned it down. But I also don't envy anyone trying to be a lawyer, since apparently there are no jobs (according to more of these lunch-time-speaker-people). But, he might have a plan, which is more than I can say.
While I'm on the topic of a plan, I learned that I can take up to six credits outside the law school that "substantially relate," so I might use that opportunity to start toward a hard science background with an eye toward a different type of grad school. Now I just need to figure out what other type of degree I might want...
I'm serious, though, when I say I want to stay in school. I love this environment. I don't know what more to say than that. It's awesome.
I'm going to cut off there. I have some job applications I need to fill out, and I have some more brooding to do. Busy day and all that.
Thanks for reading!
There's an odd assortment of things in my head right now. I'm used to it, I suppose, but I'm not sure what to let out, what to embrace internally, or what to suppress (both from myself and others), especially as far as this blog is concerned.
Here's a quick update about what's been going on since my last post:
I turned in my final writing assignment for legal writing. It will also be my writing sample for moot court, journal, and job applications, so it's sort of important. I'm not thrilled with it, but I'm not disappointed either.
I won that doubles tournament I was talking about. I played one on two for most of it. My partner hit the ball four times in the entire finals match. So that was pretty fun. State singles is coming up soon. People around here take that pretty seriously.
I hurt my back last Saturday and it's still sore. I don't know whether I pulled something or if it's just normal stuff. It doesn't prevent me from doing anything I really want to do, but is a constant reminder that I better really want to do whatever it is I'm thinking about.
My neighbor has become more avid about his guitar playing. I am less thrilled about that than he is.
I played in a Magic tournament. I got my entry fee back, but didn't do that well. I think I can make the appropriate adjustments. In the meantime, Magic for free is generally a good thing in my book.
I have become intrigued by boxing/kickboxing/mma stuff. I've been reading about it and watching videos on technique on and off for a while now. I am wondering about taking some sort of class, but also know I have better uses for my time.
Intramural frisbee has started for the spring season. We won our first game via behind the back passes, no-look scoobers (and hammers), and copious blades. Which is to say, I had a fun time.
I am attending a prom tomorrow. For the fourth time in my life, actually. I should warn Ian that every previous time I have attended a prom, I have wound up in a relationship that spans multiple years. (We are going as sober volunteers. We have the last shift.)
I am still lonely. I wonder if I was lonely before and didn't know it, or if I'm just projecting an emotion that I feel I should be experiencing.
I biked to school in a suit through a blizzard yesterday for a client counseling simulation. That was even less fun than it sounds.
Ah screw it. Let's make this a real post.
A person I knew from the Magic shop in Ames just published a book online. I read the excerpt. It is awful. I don't know what people's standards are these days, but certainly I could meet them. At least, that's what I'll keep telling myself. While not actually trying to get published, of course.
Speaking of contradictions, I am becoming more and more aware of mine with each passing day. Talking with Ian after the Magic tournament really brought out a few things. We were talking about duties to oneself and society. I posited (to the surprise of exactly no one) that we had a duty to ourselves before any duty to the rest of mankind. That makes sense to me on both a personal scale, and also when taken in context with evolution/natural selection. Of course we are built to try and survive no matter what. He asked me about how many lives would have to hang in the balance before I believed it would be irresponsible not to sacrifice myself. I said there was no number. But at the same time, I've also decided internally that there are people in this world I would die for. So while I don't believe that there is a "real" responsibility as far as altruism is concerned, I hold myself to a higher standard.
This got me thinking, and it holds true pretty much across the board. I don't care that my friends drink. I hold myself to a higher standard (assuming, of course, that drinking is a bad thing; you're free to disagree). I don't care that people don't exercise. I hold myself to a higher standard. In general, it seems I don't care that people don't do the things I do as well as I do them (for the most part (and yes, I'm aware I'm egotistical)). I think this is probably both annoying and confusing to people. I know one girl from handball called me "undateable" because I was "too healthy and responsible." Which I found hilarious, but also a bit telling.
Then again, there's a significant part of me that likes the feeling of superiority. It's like I revel in "forgiving" people for not being as awesome as I am. Which is pretty messed up. I wish I had more analysis for this point, but I'll have to think about it a bit more before I can draw more conclusions.
Like the rest of the world, I have jumped aboard the 2048 train. It was mentioned in XKCD, so I downloaded it, and sure enough, it was intriguing. I quickly came up with a pattern of play that produced success. The real challenge, it turns out, is patience. I get caught up in making progress to the extent I overlook some small but important reaction, and then it all falls apart. A very unforgiving game once you get past a certain point. This is as far as I've gotten at this point:
I've been jumping back and forth between watching poetry and watching people talk about their creative process. It's weird how I can't quite sympathize with either one, at least right now.
I crashed my bike for the first time this "winter" on April Fool's Day. I tried to turn while on a frozen puddle covered with snow and wound up with a bruised/scraped knee/shin. It figured that would be the day for nature to pull such a cruel trick. Fresh snow in April? Yup. Crashing my bike? Of course. You win this one, world.
But that didn't even hurt as much as the pedal I took to the back of my calf/ankle the previous day. I have stairs I have to navigate, and I always take the opportunity to pretend I know what I would do in a cyclecross race, but this time I missed the pedal going for the flying mount-up and wound up ramming the entire bike with my weight behind it into my left leg. Ouch. I don't even know how the pedal could have reached the side of my leg, but I am missing skin in about eight places as a result. I'm impressed, really.
At one of my many lunch talks, I was told that 40% of law students become clinically depressed. I'd hate to think what would happen if someone who was already depressed decided to go to law school...
Speaking of the decision to go to law school, another person from the Ames magic crowd recently announced he would be attending Drake for law. His post on Facebook was met with many accolades. I had no idea how to respond. I was happy that he was happy he got in, but I also felt like gloating because I got in there with their most prestigious scholarship and turned it down. But I also don't envy anyone trying to be a lawyer, since apparently there are no jobs (according to more of these lunch-time-speaker-people). But, he might have a plan, which is more than I can say.
While I'm on the topic of a plan, I learned that I can take up to six credits outside the law school that "substantially relate," so I might use that opportunity to start toward a hard science background with an eye toward a different type of grad school. Now I just need to figure out what other type of degree I might want...
I'm serious, though, when I say I want to stay in school. I love this environment. I don't know what more to say than that. It's awesome.
I'm going to cut off there. I have some job applications I need to fill out, and I have some more brooding to do. Busy day and all that.
Thanks for reading!
March 19, 2014
Grumble grumble grumble complain (but at least other people are doing cool things)
Day9 taught me about Graham's Number. If you're curious about how ridiculous numbers can get, take a look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N6cOC2P8fQ
I am bitter.
The league finals were on Saturday, and rather than playing us normally, our opponents put their best player in doubles and their second-best player at #3 singles so he could beat our worst player. They won, of course. I was stuck playing Steve Johnson (their captain, the coordinator for midwest handball, and my new pretend nemesis). I didn't really warm up, so he got 8 points in the first game. Then I remembered I was upset and he called a timeout after he hadn't gotten to serve once in the first fifteen points. He sided me out, and then I closed it out, 21-0. And that was all I did. Waste of my time. I played a couple of doubles games with random people, but it was really disappointing because league games are a time I consider one of my few opportunities to improve by playing people better than me.
It's getting nice-ish outside again. I know I should take advantage of it, but I'm feeling all hermit-y. Which is probably code for depressed, but I'm distracting myself adequately. The power of the internet.
Congratulations to my sister on her Callahan nomination! She's put a lot of time into getting as good as she is, and it's nice to see her team reward that.
I have applied for a couple of summer positions. I doubt anything will pan out, but at least this way I can say I tried, right?
I am playing in another doubles tournament this weekend. Nobody really seemed interested, so I'm playing with Alex from my collegiates team. He is a C player, so I've already made it clear that I'm going to be taking all the shots. We'll see how good he is at getting out of the way.
I want to be doing something, but I just can't get excited for anything. Usually I enjoy writing here, but I'm not really feeling it today. Or yesterday, when I started this post.
Hopefully that changes. I have a note in my phone of things to write about at some point, so when my enthusiasm does kick back in, at least I'll have stuff to say. Sorry for the lackluster nature of this entry. I'm sure I'll be back to my vociferous, loquacious self soon. This whole semester has been pretty lackluster, actually. My classes aren't interesting, and I'm pretty sure I'm digging myself into a giant hole by not caring enough. But that still doesn't make me care...
Congratulations to Sarah S on being done with her huge tests! Graduation from Monterey is imminent! I'm incredibly impressed. From zero to fluent in Arabic in less than two years! And here I am, spinning my wheels.
This is by far the least appealing Spring Break has ever been. And I never even participated in spring break "college style."
I guess I'll watch some movies.
Geez, I'm throwing quite the pity party here, aren't I? It's weird being aware of the fact that I'm being stupid for being all down on myself, and still unwilling to change anything about it. I know I possess the willpower to pick myself up, but at the same time my brain is making the argument that it's not like I have a better way to spend my break anyway, even if I were cheerful. So here I am.
I watched the first season of "Orange is the New Black" over the last two days. A classmate recommended it to me. I asked what it was about. "Lesbians in prison." Sold. You had me at lesbians.
I accidentally made my pasta dish in too much water, so now the sauce is really runny. So I'm going to eat that before I convince myself it's unappealing. Thanks for reading!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N6cOC2P8fQ
I am bitter.
The league finals were on Saturday, and rather than playing us normally, our opponents put their best player in doubles and their second-best player at #3 singles so he could beat our worst player. They won, of course. I was stuck playing Steve Johnson (their captain, the coordinator for midwest handball, and my new pretend nemesis). I didn't really warm up, so he got 8 points in the first game. Then I remembered I was upset and he called a timeout after he hadn't gotten to serve once in the first fifteen points. He sided me out, and then I closed it out, 21-0. And that was all I did. Waste of my time. I played a couple of doubles games with random people, but it was really disappointing because league games are a time I consider one of my few opportunities to improve by playing people better than me.
It's getting nice-ish outside again. I know I should take advantage of it, but I'm feeling all hermit-y. Which is probably code for depressed, but I'm distracting myself adequately. The power of the internet.
Congratulations to my sister on her Callahan nomination! She's put a lot of time into getting as good as she is, and it's nice to see her team reward that.
I have applied for a couple of summer positions. I doubt anything will pan out, but at least this way I can say I tried, right?
I am playing in another doubles tournament this weekend. Nobody really seemed interested, so I'm playing with Alex from my collegiates team. He is a C player, so I've already made it clear that I'm going to be taking all the shots. We'll see how good he is at getting out of the way.
I want to be doing something, but I just can't get excited for anything. Usually I enjoy writing here, but I'm not really feeling it today. Or yesterday, when I started this post.
Hopefully that changes. I have a note in my phone of things to write about at some point, so when my enthusiasm does kick back in, at least I'll have stuff to say. Sorry for the lackluster nature of this entry. I'm sure I'll be back to my vociferous, loquacious self soon. This whole semester has been pretty lackluster, actually. My classes aren't interesting, and I'm pretty sure I'm digging myself into a giant hole by not caring enough. But that still doesn't make me care...
Congratulations to Sarah S on being done with her huge tests! Graduation from Monterey is imminent! I'm incredibly impressed. From zero to fluent in Arabic in less than two years! And here I am, spinning my wheels.
This is by far the least appealing Spring Break has ever been. And I never even participated in spring break "college style."
I guess I'll watch some movies.
Geez, I'm throwing quite the pity party here, aren't I? It's weird being aware of the fact that I'm being stupid for being all down on myself, and still unwilling to change anything about it. I know I possess the willpower to pick myself up, but at the same time my brain is making the argument that it's not like I have a better way to spend my break anyway, even if I were cheerful. So here I am.
I watched the first season of "Orange is the New Black" over the last two days. A classmate recommended it to me. I asked what it was about. "Lesbians in prison." Sold. You had me at lesbians.
I accidentally made my pasta dish in too much water, so now the sauce is really runny. So I'm going to eat that before I convince myself it's unappealing. Thanks for reading!
March 9, 2014
Bragging
Well, it's Sunday again, and it snuck up on me without me having done any writing again, so I guess I'll get to that right after this post. I just wanted to make sure I got this post up before I forgot all the really cool things I did that I need to brag about. Because isn't that why people have blogs anyway? Gotta feed the ego.
So... I wrote a 15 page legal brief this week. I wasn't really sure what sort of standard to judge it by, but then I read some of my classmates' and it turns out I did a pretty good job. I think we all did it pretty close to the night before, so there are typos all over the place (at least in the ones I read, not sure about mine, since I suck at catching my own mistakes (egotistical)).
Then, since I hadn't slept, I took a nap before my simulated mediation conference for my Law in Practice class. Aaaannnd I nailed it. It was pretty awesome. My client said my partner and I made him feel the most confident and secure out of any of the people he had worked with, that we seemed to know what we were doing, and did a great job explaining all of the stuff we needed to take into consideration when negotiating a settlement. We were successful in getting our client to his bottom-line price and justifying our reasons for getting him there. It was a great experience because it really emphasized how you need to be able to condense the law and reasoning into some basic points for your client to understand, and still be able to talk on the appropriate level to the mediator/opposition without your client getting lost. It was pretty fun, and I didn't even hate working with other, real, live human beings! Success!
Friday was the start of the Minnesota state doubles championships. After not having fun playing in the open division with my previous partners, I enlisted my dad. I figured if anyone would be able to tolerate me not letting them hit the ball, it would be the guy who managed to not kill me for the first 20+ years of my life. And sure enough, we are both alive today. So really, the success story starts there. But also, we made it to the finals! Which was pretty awesome.
Now, I don't want to belittle my dad, but the strategy was basically that I played one against two for the entire tournament. This started off a bit shakily, and we were down by a sizable margin in our very first game (against opponents who weren't that good). We mounted a spectacular comeback to win 21-18 (or 19) after being behind 18-10 or something. We did better in the second game, but we had a second match Friday due to our low seed. So we played the three seed and dropped the first game. We won the match in a tiebreaker, and I was pretty thrilled to have made the semifinals. We were playing the second seed, two decent open-level guys. Well, they enter the open division in tournaments around here, anyway. They aren't the guys who would win an open tournament with a lot of entrants, but they are both probably top 15 in the state. I got on a hot streak and we stole the first game 21-4. The second game was more of a battle, and were behind for most of it before tying it at 15-15. We were up 20-17 and dropped four points in a row to go to another tiebreaker. We took care of business and made the finals. At that point I was really feeling the tiredness set in, but I will attempt to avoid making excuses. Andy and his dad both served really well, and we got beat pretty badly. But hey, we got second in the state! So that's pretty nifty.
I just finished watching through the footage of the tournament, and I really need to work on getting my whole torso through my left handed shot. I set up pretty well, but because I'm so focused on making contact I forget to swing with my whole body and I wind up not quite committing through the whole motion. I also have a tendency to jump into my shots on that side instead of staying down. That's either because of bad footwork or lack of confidence. So I have some more things to work on.
My mom jumped into the court a couple of times and she's already looking like a handball player! It is sort of like when I jumped into tennis from scratch: no bad habits. And she's very coach-able, so hopefully she doesn't develop too many quirks before I see her again.
It feels a bit weird writing this stuff after the fact, because my main audience already knows all this stuff. My parents were there, and I talked (bragged) to Sarah S today already, so that only leaves a couple of people that I know even read this. But if I'm ever looking back at these entries, I suppose I'll want to know that I was feeling pretty positive about things (at least for a while).
We went out to eat on Saturday night at an Ethiopian restaurant. The first girl I dated was Ethiopian, and people would always come up to her (people neither of us knew) and ask her if she was Ethiopian. My reaction was always how can you tell? Is there some secret Ethiopian marking I am unaware of? Keep in mind that I had met approximately three Ethiopians at this point in my life. So when I walked into this restaurant I was like it all makes sense now! It was a bit weird eating dinner surrounded by ex-girlfriends, but hey, the food was amazing. And as a nice little bonus, we even knew how to eat it because we had eaten over at my ex's house before.
I then convinced my parents that, despite being quite full, we should get ice cream. Which was both a huge mistake and a huge success. I'll let you fill in the details yourself.
When I got back and could finally deal with the pain in my belly (stomach the pain, if you will...), I fell right asleep. At like 8:00 or something. So naturally, I woke up at 3:00 ready to start my day. I've been up ever since, though the first few hours were spend wondering if I'd ever be able to move again. Of course, I did have intramural frisbee playoffs to attend, so I biked over to that. We were undefeated in the regular season, so we had a bye in the first round. Our second-round team only had four people show up, so they forfeited. They asked if we would like to play a bit anyway, so I joined their team and we played five on five. We went up 3-0 and were winning when we called it quits so my real team could play in the finals. We went up 7-2 at half and it wasn't really a difficult game. We played pretty tight, and I completed all but two of my throws, so I felt pretty good. I also caught the disc over some people, which is always great for the self-confidence. I then biked home, though at that point it wasn't so much biking as pedal-boating. The forecast had said a high of 27 degrees or something, but I think it hit almost 40 (according to a facebook status I glimpsed). A few of the "puddles" I biked through were more than six inches deep.
I then watched the coverage of a magic tournament in the background while reviewing my video from the weekend. I took some screenshots. (I took a lot of screenshots.) Here are the highlights:
I chose a sequence of me up close to show my hitting motion in detail. I think it's kinda crazy how far my elbow bends. The second picture you can't even tell I have a hand...
I'm going to write a bit for fun/casually now. Then I have some homework. But it was another great weekend with my parents, and satisfying overall.
Thanks for reading!
So... I wrote a 15 page legal brief this week. I wasn't really sure what sort of standard to judge it by, but then I read some of my classmates' and it turns out I did a pretty good job. I think we all did it pretty close to the night before, so there are typos all over the place (at least in the ones I read, not sure about mine, since I suck at catching my own mistakes (egotistical)).
Then, since I hadn't slept, I took a nap before my simulated mediation conference for my Law in Practice class. Aaaannnd I nailed it. It was pretty awesome. My client said my partner and I made him feel the most confident and secure out of any of the people he had worked with, that we seemed to know what we were doing, and did a great job explaining all of the stuff we needed to take into consideration when negotiating a settlement. We were successful in getting our client to his bottom-line price and justifying our reasons for getting him there. It was a great experience because it really emphasized how you need to be able to condense the law and reasoning into some basic points for your client to understand, and still be able to talk on the appropriate level to the mediator/opposition without your client getting lost. It was pretty fun, and I didn't even hate working with other, real, live human beings! Success!
Friday was the start of the Minnesota state doubles championships. After not having fun playing in the open division with my previous partners, I enlisted my dad. I figured if anyone would be able to tolerate me not letting them hit the ball, it would be the guy who managed to not kill me for the first 20+ years of my life. And sure enough, we are both alive today. So really, the success story starts there. But also, we made it to the finals! Which was pretty awesome.
Now, I don't want to belittle my dad, but the strategy was basically that I played one against two for the entire tournament. This started off a bit shakily, and we were down by a sizable margin in our very first game (against opponents who weren't that good). We mounted a spectacular comeback to win 21-18 (or 19) after being behind 18-10 or something. We did better in the second game, but we had a second match Friday due to our low seed. So we played the three seed and dropped the first game. We won the match in a tiebreaker, and I was pretty thrilled to have made the semifinals. We were playing the second seed, two decent open-level guys. Well, they enter the open division in tournaments around here, anyway. They aren't the guys who would win an open tournament with a lot of entrants, but they are both probably top 15 in the state. I got on a hot streak and we stole the first game 21-4. The second game was more of a battle, and were behind for most of it before tying it at 15-15. We were up 20-17 and dropped four points in a row to go to another tiebreaker. We took care of business and made the finals. At that point I was really feeling the tiredness set in, but I will attempt to avoid making excuses. Andy and his dad both served really well, and we got beat pretty badly. But hey, we got second in the state! So that's pretty nifty.
I just finished watching through the footage of the tournament, and I really need to work on getting my whole torso through my left handed shot. I set up pretty well, but because I'm so focused on making contact I forget to swing with my whole body and I wind up not quite committing through the whole motion. I also have a tendency to jump into my shots on that side instead of staying down. That's either because of bad footwork or lack of confidence. So I have some more things to work on.
My mom jumped into the court a couple of times and she's already looking like a handball player! It is sort of like when I jumped into tennis from scratch: no bad habits. And she's very coach-able, so hopefully she doesn't develop too many quirks before I see her again.
It feels a bit weird writing this stuff after the fact, because my main audience already knows all this stuff. My parents were there, and I talked (bragged) to Sarah S today already, so that only leaves a couple of people that I know even read this. But if I'm ever looking back at these entries, I suppose I'll want to know that I was feeling pretty positive about things (at least for a while).
We went out to eat on Saturday night at an Ethiopian restaurant. The first girl I dated was Ethiopian, and people would always come up to her (people neither of us knew) and ask her if she was Ethiopian. My reaction was always how can you tell? Is there some secret Ethiopian marking I am unaware of? Keep in mind that I had met approximately three Ethiopians at this point in my life. So when I walked into this restaurant I was like it all makes sense now! It was a bit weird eating dinner surrounded by ex-girlfriends, but hey, the food was amazing. And as a nice little bonus, we even knew how to eat it because we had eaten over at my ex's house before.
I then convinced my parents that, despite being quite full, we should get ice cream. Which was both a huge mistake and a huge success. I'll let you fill in the details yourself.
When I got back and could finally deal with the pain in my belly (stomach the pain, if you will...), I fell right asleep. At like 8:00 or something. So naturally, I woke up at 3:00 ready to start my day. I've been up ever since, though the first few hours were spend wondering if I'd ever be able to move again. Of course, I did have intramural frisbee playoffs to attend, so I biked over to that. We were undefeated in the regular season, so we had a bye in the first round. Our second-round team only had four people show up, so they forfeited. They asked if we would like to play a bit anyway, so I joined their team and we played five on five. We went up 3-0 and were winning when we called it quits so my real team could play in the finals. We went up 7-2 at half and it wasn't really a difficult game. We played pretty tight, and I completed all but two of my throws, so I felt pretty good. I also caught the disc over some people, which is always great for the self-confidence. I then biked home, though at that point it wasn't so much biking as pedal-boating. The forecast had said a high of 27 degrees or something, but I think it hit almost 40 (according to a facebook status I glimpsed). A few of the "puddles" I biked through were more than six inches deep.
I then watched the coverage of a magic tournament in the background while reviewing my video from the weekend. I took some screenshots. (I took a lot of screenshots.) Here are the highlights:
I chose a sequence of me up close to show my hitting motion in detail. I think it's kinda crazy how far my elbow bends. The second picture you can't even tell I have a hand...
 |
| amputee playing handball |
 |
| it grew back! |
Here's another sequence where I misjudged where the ball was going. So I'm running toward the wall...
 |
| I totally know where it's going |
 |
| Oh crap, no I don't |
 |
| course adjustment |
 |
| diving lunge |
 |
| got it! |
 |
| I was totally the right person to be taking this shot... |
 |
| Just doing what I do |
 |
| At this point I started noticing how every one of my diving pictures looks the same if you find the right frame |
 |
| Dad doing work! |
 |
| Turns out having a partner can come in handy |
 |
| Outta my way; I got this |
 |
| Nice and close to the camera |
 |
| between the legs |
 |
| yet another picture that looks just like the others |
 |
| gettin' my closeup |
I'm going to write a bit for fun/casually now. Then I have some homework. But it was another great weekend with my parents, and satisfying overall.
Thanks for reading!
March 3, 2014
Aaarrrggh
I have not been writing. This was the week I had in mind when I said that I might not be able to write consistently, play handball, and focus on law school. I have my most important writing assignment due this week, I have playoffs for league tomorrow, and I am secondary attorney for a negotiation simulation on the same day my brief is due. So while I have things to say, I am afraid I will be moving on to more boring pastures.
I am looking forward to this weekend though. The teams signed up for the doubles tournament this weekend all look like they will be fun to play against, and I think we have a real shot (assuming the Netts are, in fact, beatable).
I miss you.
That applies to pretty much everyone. I've been feeling a bit more lonely as of late.
Thanks for reading!
I am looking forward to this weekend though. The teams signed up for the doubles tournament this weekend all look like they will be fun to play against, and I think we have a real shot (assuming the Netts are, in fact, beatable).
I miss you.
That applies to pretty much everyone. I've been feeling a bit more lonely as of late.
Thanks for reading!
February 24, 2014
No segues here
Well, I have a lot that I would normally say, but I don't really feel like saying it. I guess it's time for another list:
I went to Nationals. I streamed my matches in rather poor quality. I played okay. Not great, but I'm not mad or sad or anything.
I had a great time with the people I went with. Even the stupid people were amusing most of the time. And I had some really funny conversations.
I was told I was the one who made the whole trip worth it (due to my comic relief) by multiple people. That felt good.
It took a lot of effort to be that person for five days straight. To wake up with a joke on my lips. To make one last wisecrack about how I was going to cuddle with a man before going to sleep. But it was funny, and fun, and I'm glad it happened.
I was enthusiastic about things just for the sake of being enthusiastic, which is something I haven't done in a really long time. I think that's one of the things I miss about the frisbee crowd (and that whole period in my life). I could just take a stance and stake my claim to something. This trip it was ice cream. I became the guy who loves ice cream. And yeah, the ice cream was freakin' delicious. But I'm not really that guy. It was really fun to be that guy, though.
I wouldn't have lasted another day. As the plane was landing I sort of switched off and didn't say anything the rest of the night. Maybe that was just because I didn't want to be home. But I was tired of being cheerful, also.
Our ladies made three out of five possible finals appearances. Granted, I have no idea how they finished in relation to their initial seeding, but it was great to have so many people playing on Sunday. They even took runner-up in Division II for their gender. Which is impressive considering they only had four people and up to six can score.
It was nice to just be reabsorbed today by my classmates. I didn't talk to anyone, just nodded and smiled.
Because when I can't sleep, I depress myself further, here is a video I watched recently:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB7xs7UpIfY
Here's a poem I laughed at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2j3ZPE65xE
And here is another poem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnsTD8KAqCs
I didn't love the ending, but hey, pretty good anyway.
(I hate people who snap their fingers at poem
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJgiYBdD2VA
This was interesting in that it was philosophical, but rejects the idea that our fascination with objects, and consumerism in general is "commodification" or "fetishization" but rather proposes that it relates to how we strive to show love. It was refreshing after being told for years of philosophy class that our growing fascination with technology and consumerism is the most terrible thing in the world. As with anything, I'm sure there's a tenable middle ground, but this guy was likeable enough that it was worth reading the subtitles (it's in French).
It was awesome to have my dad at my handball tournament! And it was beyond generous for him to treat us all to a dinner of Mellow Mushroom pizza.
One of my teammates, Drew, was chatting up a girl in the Irish hotel room and she said she was applying to law school. She got in at Washington, and said she thought about applying to Minnesota. My buddy, the consummate wingman, directed her attention my way. We chatted. She opened by inquiring my LSAT. I told her. She told Drew I was a genius. She said she thought her 3.5 GPA might have helped her out. She did a double take when I took the opening to brag some more. Hearing I was in the open bracket in the tournament pretty much pushed things over the top. When Drew mentioned my scholarship, it was hard to imagine a more perfect script. Drew wound up with a lady of his own by the end of the night. I passed on the opportunity. It was weird, because I feel lonely, so I was expecting to have to, at a minimum, overcome a bit of temptation. But it never manifested, even slightly.
I didn't do any writing on my trip. I wasn't really planning on writing, but I feel a bit guilty now. Or I feel like I should feel guilty? So maybe I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty. That's a thing, right?
Because my league team went undefeated, we have a bye this week. My shoulder is still a bit sore from the tournament, so I'm not sure what I should do. Should I hit the courts and try and get my game better, or hit the hay and try and get my shoulder better, or hit the books and try and get my schoolwork under control?
I am watching video of handball to try and figure out how to adjust my game. Martin overpowered me a bit, so I don't know whether to try and match that with more power or switch to a defensive game. I often feel like the longer a game goes the better I get, but I'm not sure that holds at the highest level.
When a male security guard goes around the library to check ID's he does it alone. When this lady just asked for mine, she had a guy right behind her. He didn't do anything. I feel like there's something weird with that. Either trust a female security guard to ask for ID's alone (because what good is she going to be if there's a security threat if she can't even do that), or just have the guy do it, because it's pointless to have them both there.
On Sunday Martin (the top seed I lost to) told me I was playing well, had decent power, and not to get discouraged by the score. He said anyone can go on runs like that, gave a nice little anecdote of how it had happened to him, and finished by saying I should go to more tournaments. He's a stand-up guy. I am impressed.
I'm headed home to the land of questionable internet. Thanks for reading!
I went to Nationals. I streamed my matches in rather poor quality. I played okay. Not great, but I'm not mad or sad or anything.
I had a great time with the people I went with. Even the stupid people were amusing most of the time. And I had some really funny conversations.
I was told I was the one who made the whole trip worth it (due to my comic relief) by multiple people. That felt good.
It took a lot of effort to be that person for five days straight. To wake up with a joke on my lips. To make one last wisecrack about how I was going to cuddle with a man before going to sleep. But it was funny, and fun, and I'm glad it happened.
I was enthusiastic about things just for the sake of being enthusiastic, which is something I haven't done in a really long time. I think that's one of the things I miss about the frisbee crowd (and that whole period in my life). I could just take a stance and stake my claim to something. This trip it was ice cream. I became the guy who loves ice cream. And yeah, the ice cream was freakin' delicious. But I'm not really that guy. It was really fun to be that guy, though.
I wouldn't have lasted another day. As the plane was landing I sort of switched off and didn't say anything the rest of the night. Maybe that was just because I didn't want to be home. But I was tired of being cheerful, also.
Our ladies made three out of five possible finals appearances. Granted, I have no idea how they finished in relation to their initial seeding, but it was great to have so many people playing on Sunday. They even took runner-up in Division II for their gender. Which is impressive considering they only had four people and up to six can score.
It was nice to just be reabsorbed today by my classmates. I didn't talk to anyone, just nodded and smiled.
Because when I can't sleep, I depress myself further, here is a video I watched recently:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB7xs7UpIfY
Here's a poem I laughed at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2j3ZPE65xE
And here is another poem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnsTD8KAqCs
I didn't love the ending, but hey, pretty good anyway.
(I hate people who snap their fingers at poem
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJgiYBdD2VA
This was interesting in that it was philosophical, but rejects the idea that our fascination with objects, and consumerism in general is "commodification" or "fetishization" but rather proposes that it relates to how we strive to show love. It was refreshing after being told for years of philosophy class that our growing fascination with technology and consumerism is the most terrible thing in the world. As with anything, I'm sure there's a tenable middle ground, but this guy was likeable enough that it was worth reading the subtitles (it's in French).
It was awesome to have my dad at my handball tournament! And it was beyond generous for him to treat us all to a dinner of Mellow Mushroom pizza.
One of my teammates, Drew, was chatting up a girl in the Irish hotel room and she said she was applying to law school. She got in at Washington, and said she thought about applying to Minnesota. My buddy, the consummate wingman, directed her attention my way. We chatted. She opened by inquiring my LSAT. I told her. She told Drew I was a genius. She said she thought her 3.5 GPA might have helped her out. She did a double take when I took the opening to brag some more. Hearing I was in the open bracket in the tournament pretty much pushed things over the top. When Drew mentioned my scholarship, it was hard to imagine a more perfect script. Drew wound up with a lady of his own by the end of the night. I passed on the opportunity. It was weird, because I feel lonely, so I was expecting to have to, at a minimum, overcome a bit of temptation. But it never manifested, even slightly.
I didn't do any writing on my trip. I wasn't really planning on writing, but I feel a bit guilty now. Or I feel like I should feel guilty? So maybe I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty. That's a thing, right?
Because my league team went undefeated, we have a bye this week. My shoulder is still a bit sore from the tournament, so I'm not sure what I should do. Should I hit the courts and try and get my game better, or hit the hay and try and get my shoulder better, or hit the books and try and get my schoolwork under control?
I am watching video of handball to try and figure out how to adjust my game. Martin overpowered me a bit, so I don't know whether to try and match that with more power or switch to a defensive game. I often feel like the longer a game goes the better I get, but I'm not sure that holds at the highest level.
When a male security guard goes around the library to check ID's he does it alone. When this lady just asked for mine, she had a guy right behind her. He didn't do anything. I feel like there's something weird with that. Either trust a female security guard to ask for ID's alone (because what good is she going to be if there's a security threat if she can't even do that), or just have the guy do it, because it's pointless to have them both there.
On Sunday Martin (the top seed I lost to) told me I was playing well, had decent power, and not to get discouraged by the score. He said anyone can go on runs like that, gave a nice little anecdote of how it had happened to him, and finished by saying I should go to more tournaments. He's a stand-up guy. I am impressed.
I'm headed home to the land of questionable internet. Thanks for reading!
February 18, 2014
Quick post
So I've actually been writing a little bit on my own, and sure enough, I stopped posting here. There's only so many words per night in these hands, it seems. Or only so much time in a day, or only so much attention span in my brain, or...
And this isn't a real post either, because I have to pack for my trip, do my laundry (not in that order), cut my hair, write an outline for a paper, and remember some of the many things I'm going to forget all before tomorrow at 5:00 am. So I'm going to go do that. Sorry I haven't been putting much on here. Not a lot has been happening. I've started playing a bit of magic with some folks from the law school, which is likely a terrible idea for all concerned. I am playing intramural frisbee indoors, which is a blast. And the rest of my free time is pretty much devoted to handball. So I'm going to North Carolina to see how I stack up against the rest of the nation, or at least the college kids. I'm sure I'll feel old. The not drinking probably won't help matters, since I've heard it turns into quite the party. Maybe I'll be able to make myself useful and DD.
Oh, here's something cool!
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/repesch35
I'll try to stream all my matches to ustream. Anyone who clicks on that link should (I hope!) be able to see me when I go live. I'll post to facebook when I go live also, I guess, since the app on my phone keeps pestering me to do that. Hopefully you'll see me there!
If my phone seems to be doing okay on battery, I'll even try and stream some of the other people's matches. Sounds like a good time for everyone. But now, I really do have to get to that stuff. First up: laundry.
Thanks for reading (and maybe even watching)!
And this isn't a real post either, because I have to pack for my trip, do my laundry (not in that order), cut my hair, write an outline for a paper, and remember some of the many things I'm going to forget all before tomorrow at 5:00 am. So I'm going to go do that. Sorry I haven't been putting much on here. Not a lot has been happening. I've started playing a bit of magic with some folks from the law school, which is likely a terrible idea for all concerned. I am playing intramural frisbee indoors, which is a blast. And the rest of my free time is pretty much devoted to handball. So I'm going to North Carolina to see how I stack up against the rest of the nation, or at least the college kids. I'm sure I'll feel old. The not drinking probably won't help matters, since I've heard it turns into quite the party. Maybe I'll be able to make myself useful and DD.
Oh, here's something cool!
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/repesch35
I'll try to stream all my matches to ustream. Anyone who clicks on that link should (I hope!) be able to see me when I go live. I'll post to facebook when I go live also, I guess, since the app on my phone keeps pestering me to do that. Hopefully you'll see me there!
If my phone seems to be doing okay on battery, I'll even try and stream some of the other people's matches. Sounds like a good time for everyone. But now, I really do have to get to that stuff. First up: laundry.
Thanks for reading (and maybe even watching)!
February 6, 2014
Post post post post post post...
Hi there! My internet is working again!
First off, I have written five pages but I don't like what I've written/it isn't organized at all. So while it's technically five pages, all I really like are a couple of poems. And it's getting late, so I plan on editing/expanding on it tomorrow during my six hours of downtime between morning class and evening class.
A development has occurred. I have met another version of myself. Here are some similarities I have with Ian:
We both play Magic: the Gathering.
We both read the Dark Tower series recently (I had a half-hour animated freak out session about this).
We both watch starcraft videos and don't actually play starcraft.
We both watch the same starcraft video people.
We both have attempted to watch League of Legends (another video game) and couldn't get into it.
We both majored in philosophy.
We both had a second concentration in English. (He majored in it while I minored in it.
We both have identical LSAT scores (I know writing both and identical is redundant, but I wanted to stay repetitive)
We both dislike Adrian Sullivan. (A figure in the Magic: the Gathering world who deserves to be hated.)
We both like the modern format of Magic the best.
We both are incredibly sarcastic, deadpan, and quick-witted.
We both refuse alcohol.
Differences:
He has a summer internship already set up.
I play sports.
He does his reading.
I play sports.
I had a slightly higher undergrad GPA.
He is way nicer and more outgoing than I am.
He is hilarious in class.
He is from Michigan.
That's all I've got.
We talked for like four hours today, and it got to the point where it was a little weird how similar we were. He concentrated in a different area of philosophy than I did, and I basically don't remember philosophy classes anymore (whereas he finished writing his thesis less than a year ago). But yeah, pretty cool.
I got more free food today. I also played more handball yesterday and today. Yesterday really reinforced the idea that I'm not missing out that much by missing club time. It's likely that the times I'm missing (Thursdays) have a higher caliber of player, since it's not a league night, but I never let a person (or team) get to double digits on me yesterday. Or today for that matter. Today was cool because I was using the new ball that we'll use for the tournament. I played a game of doubles with John, a game with Kara, and two games with Joe (my partner). The scores were 21-8, 21-4, 21-9, 21-6 (or 7 or something) respectively. So it turns out it doesn't really matter who my partner is against those guys (Dane and Nick). Draws for this weekend are posted. It seems I will be in for some hard-fought handball. I wish they had seeded us better than fourth so we didn't have to play the people we are playing, but it's all just pointless complaining, really.
I'm starting to get excited for North Carolina. It feels like it's coming right up!
I forgot I had a class that conflicted with the jugglers yesterday, so no updates there.
Here are some things I had written in a draft of a post to tide you over, since this isn't that long:
I subscribed to this YouTube channel. So when you see their videos popping up here with regularity, you don't have to wonder why. There are some duds (for me), sure, but there's a good ratio of stuff I actually like. Worth it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leE4_k9zxEI
I liked this because... well, because I thought it was good. There's not much more to say. It felt like a short story, but in poem form. Which I think really helped her be direct and abrasive. The thing about this style I don't like is how I can hear the audience's reaction. It throws me out of the listening experience sometimes. Even when I agree, it's like, "come on guys, keep it down, I'm trying to listen here."
http://gizmodo.com/can-sochi-get-its-shit-together-1514828222/@Tom_Ley
First off, I have written five pages but I don't like what I've written/it isn't organized at all. So while it's technically five pages, all I really like are a couple of poems. And it's getting late, so I plan on editing/expanding on it tomorrow during my six hours of downtime between morning class and evening class.
A development has occurred. I have met another version of myself. Here are some similarities I have with Ian:
We both play Magic: the Gathering.
We both read the Dark Tower series recently (I had a half-hour animated freak out session about this).
We both watch starcraft videos and don't actually play starcraft.
We both watch the same starcraft video people.
We both have attempted to watch League of Legends (another video game) and couldn't get into it.
We both majored in philosophy.
We both had a second concentration in English. (He majored in it while I minored in it.
We both have identical LSAT scores (I know writing both and identical is redundant, but I wanted to stay repetitive)
We both dislike Adrian Sullivan. (A figure in the Magic: the Gathering world who deserves to be hated.)
We both like the modern format of Magic the best.
We both are incredibly sarcastic, deadpan, and quick-witted.
We both refuse alcohol.
Differences:
He has a summer internship already set up.
I play sports.
He does his reading.
I play sports.
I had a slightly higher undergrad GPA.
He is way nicer and more outgoing than I am.
He is hilarious in class.
He is from Michigan.
That's all I've got.
We talked for like four hours today, and it got to the point where it was a little weird how similar we were. He concentrated in a different area of philosophy than I did, and I basically don't remember philosophy classes anymore (whereas he finished writing his thesis less than a year ago). But yeah, pretty cool.
I got more free food today. I also played more handball yesterday and today. Yesterday really reinforced the idea that I'm not missing out that much by missing club time. It's likely that the times I'm missing (Thursdays) have a higher caliber of player, since it's not a league night, but I never let a person (or team) get to double digits on me yesterday. Or today for that matter. Today was cool because I was using the new ball that we'll use for the tournament. I played a game of doubles with John, a game with Kara, and two games with Joe (my partner). The scores were 21-8, 21-4, 21-9, 21-6 (or 7 or something) respectively. So it turns out it doesn't really matter who my partner is against those guys (Dane and Nick). Draws for this weekend are posted. It seems I will be in for some hard-fought handball. I wish they had seeded us better than fourth so we didn't have to play the people we are playing, but it's all just pointless complaining, really.
I'm starting to get excited for North Carolina. It feels like it's coming right up!
I forgot I had a class that conflicted with the jugglers yesterday, so no updates there.
Here are some things I had written in a draft of a post to tide you over, since this isn't that long:
I subscribed to this YouTube channel. So when you see their videos popping up here with regularity, you don't have to wonder why. There are some duds (for me), sure, but there's a good ratio of stuff I actually like. Worth it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leE4_k9zxEI
I liked this because... well, because I thought it was good. There's not much more to say. It felt like a short story, but in poem form. Which I think really helped her be direct and abrasive. The thing about this style I don't like is how I can hear the audience's reaction. It throws me out of the listening experience sometimes. Even when I agree, it's like, "come on guys, keep it down, I'm trying to listen here."
http://gizmodo.com/can-sochi-get-its-shit-together-1514828222/@Tom_Ley
The olympic village looks to be a crazy disaster. I'm sure most people have heard about this, but I certainly hadn't (in my isolated bubble, willfully ignorant of the news).
My sister emailed me. I responded at length. Probably too much length. I don't think I was mean. I've been wrong about that before.
So yeah, I'll write more here tomorrow, and I'll get up the decent parts of my free writing. But I have an early class, and I want to read a bit before I fall asleep. Thanks for reading!
PS: I just remember I lied. I let a doubles team get to double digits yesterday. Alex and I went down 3-12 before winning 21-14.
February 3, 2014
Post postscript post post
I had to title it that. I'm sure you understand.
I realized that during my break highlights I never mentioned the run I went for with David. Which was stupid of me, since that was definitely one of my highlights. It is actually perfect that he took up running, because as we've stopped seeing each other (ever), it has become harder and harder to actually talk with him. The problem is that what we've usually done is play video games, but while playing video games, very little conversation occurs that is outside the realm of video games. This wasn't a problem when we saw each other all the time, because eventually we would either grow tired of video games, we would need to eat, or something would happen that eventually led to us talking about other stuff. But when we only see each other once or twice, the conversation part doesn't really happen. Until recently, when I went on a run. We run slower when we talk, but it's still a decent workout. We just work harder at a slower pace because of the talking. So we are still multitasking, but we actually get to the whole point of being friends, which is awesome. Of course, it still takes us forever to get around to actually saying anything (both because we are boys, and because we don't see each other much), but hey, it's a definite improvement.
I received an email with the following text in it:
I realized that during my break highlights I never mentioned the run I went for with David. Which was stupid of me, since that was definitely one of my highlights. It is actually perfect that he took up running, because as we've stopped seeing each other (ever), it has become harder and harder to actually talk with him. The problem is that what we've usually done is play video games, but while playing video games, very little conversation occurs that is outside the realm of video games. This wasn't a problem when we saw each other all the time, because eventually we would either grow tired of video games, we would need to eat, or something would happen that eventually led to us talking about other stuff. But when we only see each other once or twice, the conversation part doesn't really happen. Until recently, when I went on a run. We run slower when we talk, but it's still a decent workout. We just work harder at a slower pace because of the talking. So we are still multitasking, but we actually get to the whole point of being friends, which is awesome. Of course, it still takes us forever to get around to actually saying anything (both because we are boys, and because we don't see each other much), but hey, it's a definite improvement.
I received an email with the following text in it:
This morning, a student exhibiting troubling behavior in a Law School classroom was removed and transported by University Police for crisis assistance. There were no direct physical threats or weapons involved. The Law School is working closely with University officials to ensure that the Law School remains a safe learning environment.
Doesn't exactly inspire confidence, huh? Also, another student has dropped out of our section. I guess things are taking their toll on some.
I enjoyed my corporations class today. My professor is interesting, opinionated, and pretty funny. The material is dry, so reading for class is a pain, but the actual class time itself is good. He has a ton of anecdotes. Hopefully it continues in a similar manner. Of course, I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to have been learning this far, but that will probably sort itself out.
Today we learned that corporations are a great way of limiting liability. They stop a claimant from being able to go after your personal wealth. All they can sue you for in your corporate capacity is your worth in the company. This can be contracted around (banks can make you sign for things personally, etc.), but it can never be gotten around by a tort claim (as long as you keep yourself sufficiently separate from your corporation). So if I run someone over with a company car doing company business, they can only recover what I'm worth in the company. So if I've invested $500 in the company, but I have a million dollars, they only get to recover $500. Their lawyer will obviously try to show I wasn't actually on company business or that I haven't kept myself separate from the company in a meaningful way (this occurs all the time when people start a company for themselves; they file as a corporation, but they mingle bank accounts and expenses, they don't keep official yearly meeting minutes about elections, they don't re-file promptly, etc. and then the lawyer can show the "corporation" is really just the person anyway, and can get at his assets). I'm also still liable for criminal charges (might still go to prison, for example). But my money is likely safe. So as an alternative to insurance, just incorporate yourself! Weird, huh?
In other news, I did this to myself:
You might want some back story. So I had this weird bump on my arm about two weeks ago. I squeezed it, and sure enough, it popped. Some puss came out, and I thought that was the end of that. This isn't that uncommon. Usually it occurs when a hair follicle gets infected or something. Then it swelled up again, and I popped it again. And a third time. And a fourth time (over the course of a few days). Eventually, after ten days, it hadn't completely disappeared. It hadn't gotten any worse, either, so I wasn't like, worried about it or anything. But I did what any rational person would do and poked it with a safety pin to try and drain it for good. I poked it, squeezed it, and a bit of stuff came out. I could feel the swelling in a bit more than the area I poked, so I put the pin back in the same hole and advanced it in the direction of the rest of the swelling. This never hurt, which surprised me. So I kept pushing, out of a sort of morbid curiosity. Before I knew it, the whole pin was in there. I must have found the exact right angle of entry or something, because to move it at all hurt quite a bit, but getting it in there didn't. Also, when I tried from a different hole (my curiosity was in full swing), it hurt and I stopped immediately. So that was really weird. And now the swelling has disappeared completely. I'm pretty proud of myself, I must say.
I wrote a poem a little while ago. I figured I'd share it with the rest of you. Sarah S sent me a poem, and the first couple lines made me think of my own version, so this is a bit of a riff/take on that first bit of hers. Which is also why the style doesn't look quite like something I'd typically write.
In other news, I did this to myself:
You might want some back story. So I had this weird bump on my arm about two weeks ago. I squeezed it, and sure enough, it popped. Some puss came out, and I thought that was the end of that. This isn't that uncommon. Usually it occurs when a hair follicle gets infected or something. Then it swelled up again, and I popped it again. And a third time. And a fourth time (over the course of a few days). Eventually, after ten days, it hadn't completely disappeared. It hadn't gotten any worse, either, so I wasn't like, worried about it or anything. But I did what any rational person would do and poked it with a safety pin to try and drain it for good. I poked it, squeezed it, and a bit of stuff came out. I could feel the swelling in a bit more than the area I poked, so I put the pin back in the same hole and advanced it in the direction of the rest of the swelling. This never hurt, which surprised me. So I kept pushing, out of a sort of morbid curiosity. Before I knew it, the whole pin was in there. I must have found the exact right angle of entry or something, because to move it at all hurt quite a bit, but getting it in there didn't. Also, when I tried from a different hole (my curiosity was in full swing), it hurt and I stopped immediately. So that was really weird. And now the swelling has disappeared completely. I'm pretty proud of myself, I must say.
I wrote a poem a little while ago. I figured I'd share it with the rest of you. Sarah S sent me a poem, and the first couple lines made me think of my own version, so this is a bit of a riff/take on that first bit of hers. Which is also why the style doesn't look quite like something I'd typically write.
I didn't title it.
So I heard you
shouldn't
stare too long into
the sun
so I stared
into your eyes
instead,
I should have
known better,
should have chosen
to have my eyes
seared
once and
be done with it
better that than
tempted
time and again
blinded so gradually
that, finally sightless,
I still think I can see
the faint outlines of love
shining bright as ever,
the lines I memorized
in your irises
radiate from the blackness
a reassurance
that isn't real
better to be blind
and know it
basking in my
blaze of glory
shouldn't
stare too long into
the sun
so I stared
into your eyes
instead,
I should have
known better,
should have chosen
to have my eyes
seared
once and
be done with it
better that than
tempted
time and again
blinded so gradually
that, finally sightless,
I still think I can see
the faint outlines of love
shining bright as ever,
the lines I memorized
in your irises
radiate from the blackness
a reassurance
that isn't real
better to be blind
and know it
basking in my
blaze of glory
better anything
than being told I'm blind
and wondering
for how long.
I forgot to set my next deadline for writing. I think I should have time tonight and tomorrow, but let's set five more pages due by Wednesday. I'll try and make it at least a couple times a week, but school might start picking up here soon, and I would hate to make promises I can't keep. I've started a couple things since last time, but I don't really like them. I might try rhyming something also. I don't know. I will always have five pages due by Sunday, though. That seems like a pretty minimal output, but I've got a life. Sort of. If you count blogging. But there are some new developments that might further cut into my time! I'll get to those. Calm down...
I had made the decision to go a week without listening to music. I spend a lot of my time with headphones in, both because it stops me from having to talk to people, and because I like being distracted from what I consider to be the "worthless" parts of life. But I think it's those parts that actually might give me the time and quiet I need to have something to write about. And now that it seems I will be going without my phone altogether, the not listening to music thing at least is a sure bet. So because you guys didn't know anything about this intention, it looks pretty silly in retrospect. I only made it one day without my headphones before my phone died!
than being told I'm blind
and wondering
for how long.
I forgot to set my next deadline for writing. I think I should have time tonight and tomorrow, but let's set five more pages due by Wednesday. I'll try and make it at least a couple times a week, but school might start picking up here soon, and I would hate to make promises I can't keep. I've started a couple things since last time, but I don't really like them. I might try rhyming something also. I don't know. I will always have five pages due by Sunday, though. That seems like a pretty minimal output, but I've got a life. Sort of. If you count blogging. But there are some new developments that might further cut into my time! I'll get to those. Calm down...
I had made the decision to go a week without listening to music. I spend a lot of my time with headphones in, both because it stops me from having to talk to people, and because I like being distracted from what I consider to be the "worthless" parts of life. But I think it's those parts that actually might give me the time and quiet I need to have something to write about. And now that it seems I will be going without my phone altogether, the not listening to music thing at least is a sure bet. So because you guys didn't know anything about this intention, it looks pretty silly in retrospect. I only made it one day without my headphones before my phone died!
I got the tracking info for the cables in my inbox today. I don't think I've ever had a package I care more about getting here promptly. I don't know whether that's pathetic or what. I mean, on the one hand, I don't usually order things that I'm that excited about. But on the other hand, this is really showing how dependent I am on my phone.
I got two doughnuts from the cafe today. Then two muffins. Then a bagel. So I have breakfast waiting for me in the morning, which is a good feeling. Reassuring, you know? No preparation required. Just get up, and there's a delicious raspberry muffin with my name on it. Excellent. I ate the doughnuts right away. Then I went and rowed until I could taste them again. Blrgh. I think the most important thing about rowing was finding the right form. I can row pretty steadily at the same pace as ever, even though I haven't been doing it regularly. Also, it's astonishing how many people sit down next to me and have no freaking clue what they are supposed to be doing. One guy who sat down next to me today started off with a spasmodic stroke that involved the cable going above shoulder height somehow. I resumed rowing, and he at least started trying to imitate what I was doing, but he still looked pretty hopeless. Then as I was leaving, I saw an older guy sit down, and it was obvious he had done this plenty of times before. But he still didn't lean back to finish his stroke. When he hit the end of his legs pushing, he hunched forward instead of getting the last bit of power out of his body. I felt both superior and guilty. But who am I to say something? I've never actually rowed a boat before.
Today was even more special than usual because this pretty cute blonde girl and her friend came over and (of course) had the worst form imaginable. They didn't even get to the end of their legs pushing out before they were letting the cable pull them back in. I have no idea what they thought they were doing. But the more interesting thing was their conversation. I don't know whether people have gotten so used to everyone wearing headphones in a gym that they feel they won't be heard or (way more likely) they just didn't care who heard, but they were talking about their night out drinking, their sexual encounters, their friend's sexual encounters, and even at one point the fact that the blonde girl had smoked weed with her dad over break. It was a bit depressing, because it really solidified the idea that most people really do partake in at least some aspect of that lifestyle. The fact that they never gave me a second thought just contributed to my feeling of alienation.
On my way into the gym, as I was walking past the free use studios (usually filled with dancers/fitness classes/martial arts people), I saw some people juggling. I glanced at them and continued on my way. Then I went back and watched a bit. Then I went and worked out. On my way out, there was just one guy left working on some deft little three-ball motions. And I went in and talked to him! You know, like I never do ever? So now I know there is a group of people who meet every Monday and Tuesday (this semester) from 2:00 to 4:00. I plan on joining them tomorrow until 4:00, when I'll get on with my handball stuff. How about that! I might actually get to pass some clubs (assuming I can remember how the patterns and everything work). If it goes well, I might ask my dad to bring up some of my stuff when he comes.
Also, there is growing interest in my section in Magic: the Gathering. Some people went to a prerelease this weekend (I didn't, because I don't want to spend money on cards I know I won't use), and they've started talking about getting together regularly. I might become part of a bunch of social groups. This is weird.
Also on the topic of Magic: the Gathering: a bunch of really, really good counterfeits have been found recently. So, much to my chagrin, I may have been exaggerating when I said my cards would always hold their value. Now I'm wondering if I need to take steps to combat this development (either selling out, or trading for cards that are harder to counterfeit). Not what I want to be thinking about right now. Maybe I'll try and make an informed decision when the Minneapolis Grand Prix rolls around in a couple of months. Here's the article if anyone is curious: http://www.starcitygames.com/article/27693_Counterfeit-Cards.html
I don't know how much I put on here about my credit card struggles, but a while ago I returned a $200 textbook and it never showed up on my card. I then had a fun process of trying to make it appear on my card. Well, it seems it has finally sorted itself out. I still have $18 of credit left over after buying some external hard drives for various folks, but I'm glad I got most of that out of the hands of Capital One. I've also gotten my full thousand dollars out of my Magic scholarships from my high school days. I'm running out of random revenue sources!
Man, after all the personal stuff I wrote not long ago, these posts start to seem a bit too bland. Where's the controversy!? Where's the stuff I wonder if it will offend people? Well, for now I can't actually think of anything that qualifies as an update to those posts. I have a hint of something I've been trying to pin down, but I haven't had the willpower to really dig it out of my brain yet, so I guess stay tuned or something.
Five more pages of writing due by Wednesday night.
Thanks for reading!
February 2, 2014
Postscript post
So if you haven't noticed, I didn't get anything uploaded last night. My internet went out at my apartment as I was looking for a replacement charging cable for my phone on eBay, and I hadn't finished five pages yet, so I hadn't uploaded anything. There's something up now though! Under "Free write #1 on my short story blog: http://scantstories.blogspot.com/ I just started writing, didn't have a clue where even the next sentence was coming from, and sort of didn't connect things at all yet. So either it's the start of a longer piece or it isn't really going anywhere. Either way, it was fun to write!
So because I don't have internet at my apartment right now, I'm at the library computer lab. I hate these keyboards now that I'm used to the flat keys of my laptop. One of the things I plan on buying as soon as I have money is a mechanical keyboard with "brown switches." There are different switch types for different uses/preferences, and while I haven't ever gotten the chance to try the different kinds, I've read a lot about them and I think that's the safest bet for the kind I'd like. Not that there's anything wrong with my laptop. This keyboard just reminded me of the fact that I've researched a lot of pretty obscure things.
Speaking of, here's the story of how I convinced myself to spend $60 instead of $6:
So my phone's charging cable stopped working. This is a problem for me. I use my phone for everything. I went to Target to buy a replacement cable, only to see that they were $20. I turned around and left. If I were going to spend $20 on a cable, I might as well just put that money toward a phone case that took a mini-usb cable (which I already have) and not have to worry about my battery running out in the future either! So I went home and looked around online for a better deal. Sure enough, there are tons of cables on eBay for around $3-$5. Wary, I looked up some reviews. Almost universally they said not to get the knock-off cables, as they might stop working unexpectedly, might prompt your phone with an error message, and might just be DOA. So I looked around for certified cables. There are a ton on eBay that say they are certified, but do I believe them? Not really... So rather than spend the $6 on a knockoff, I would be spending $20, but rather than get ripped off like that, I'll just buy a case that I don't really need so I feel like I'm not getting ripped off... Yeah, I'm not sure I quite understand it either. I'll consider it a birthday present to myself or something. The important thing is the peace of mind, right? Yeah, I know I'm grasping at straws. But back to the post!
I said in my last post (the last real one that wasn't some subsection (or subsection of a subsection)) that I had a ton more youtube videos that didn't quite fit in line with the whole "searching for motivation/inspiration/meaning in life" theme. So without further ado:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wG_sAdP0U
This lady did some math. She wanted a Jewish husband with a bunch of other specific qualities, and she lived in a big city. However, after estimating that of the hundreds of thousands of people in her city, only about six of them would meet her specifications, she turned to internet dating. She was not successful. So she did some more math. She set up a points system to figure out how to better filter her results. She got no results. It turned out that the ideal guy she was looking for was not looking for her non-ideal profile. So she did some more research. She figured out a few key elements to profile-creation, and became one of the most sought-after women on her dating site. Then she found true love. It was a pretty interesting story. I'm still not trying internet dating (at least not yet).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqKafI7Amd8
This guy is a show-off. He is a computer hacker, so his showing off is sort of cool, but he's a bit annoying to watch. But if you want to see mosquitoes hunted with lasers, this is the place to go (as well as hotel TV's hacked, credit cards cracked, and people tracked (oh man, that all rhymed so perfectly!)).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MgBikgcWnY
This guy says that you can learn a new skill in twenty hours. He taught himself the ukulele to prove it. It's not a great talk. You probably shouldn't watch it. Just take my word for it, and if you have a skill you want to become decent at, maybe give it a once-over in case there are any tips you can apply.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5wfMNNr3ak
This doctor says the key to eating healthy is to eat a lot of starch. He makes some interesting observations of Asian people. Maybe he's right? It's certainly possible. I was interested enough that I didn't turn it off right away. Potatoes and rice are the way of the future. Who knew?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqpjap8rewo
While we're on the topic of eating healthy, this man made an athletic career out of eating better than his opponents. The goal was to speed up recovery through a good diet, and through a series of trial and error processes he came to the conclusion that plant-based diets are the best ones. He initially came down on the side of starch, but starch requires a significant energy investment to process. So he focused more on food "efficiency." He switched from starch to fruit, amaranth, quinoa, buckwheat and wild rice, because they are seeds rather than grain, and so are more efficient. His calorie intake dropped by 20% and found he was less hungry because he was fulfilling his body's requirements.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMAwnA5WvLc
I don't know if you're as afraid of dying as I am, but this guy is doing some interesting research into how to stop (and reverse) aging. It's sort of cool. Mostly, I'm just trying to find a way to be less scared. I'm staking my hopes on you, crazy-looking-beard-guy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSz5BjExs9o
This is about the 11 dimensions that theoretically exist in the universe. I'm going to watch this video over and over again until I actually understand it. I sort of missed the boat when we discussed this in physics in high school. He intros with flatland, which is a great short story everyone should read if they haven't. A copy is online here: http://www.geom.uiuc.edu/~banchoff/Flatland/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RENk9PK06AQ
This guy used math to write "music" that is patternless. This is different than random. It is carefully planned to have no musical qualities whatsoever. The music starts at 7:40, and the stuff before it is the background story (math mostly, with a bit of sonar-motivation thrown in). I didn't find it unpleasant to listen to, but I'll let you make up your own mind about that.
So because I don't have internet at my apartment right now, I'm at the library computer lab. I hate these keyboards now that I'm used to the flat keys of my laptop. One of the things I plan on buying as soon as I have money is a mechanical keyboard with "brown switches." There are different switch types for different uses/preferences, and while I haven't ever gotten the chance to try the different kinds, I've read a lot about them and I think that's the safest bet for the kind I'd like. Not that there's anything wrong with my laptop. This keyboard just reminded me of the fact that I've researched a lot of pretty obscure things.
Speaking of, here's the story of how I convinced myself to spend $60 instead of $6:
So my phone's charging cable stopped working. This is a problem for me. I use my phone for everything. I went to Target to buy a replacement cable, only to see that they were $20. I turned around and left. If I were going to spend $20 on a cable, I might as well just put that money toward a phone case that took a mini-usb cable (which I already have) and not have to worry about my battery running out in the future either! So I went home and looked around online for a better deal. Sure enough, there are tons of cables on eBay for around $3-$5. Wary, I looked up some reviews. Almost universally they said not to get the knock-off cables, as they might stop working unexpectedly, might prompt your phone with an error message, and might just be DOA. So I looked around for certified cables. There are a ton on eBay that say they are certified, but do I believe them? Not really... So rather than spend the $6 on a knockoff, I would be spending $20, but rather than get ripped off like that, I'll just buy a case that I don't really need so I feel like I'm not getting ripped off... Yeah, I'm not sure I quite understand it either. I'll consider it a birthday present to myself or something. The important thing is the peace of mind, right? Yeah, I know I'm grasping at straws. But back to the post!
I said in my last post (the last real one that wasn't some subsection (or subsection of a subsection)) that I had a ton more youtube videos that didn't quite fit in line with the whole "searching for motivation/inspiration/meaning in life" theme. So without further ado:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wG_sAdP0U
This lady did some math. She wanted a Jewish husband with a bunch of other specific qualities, and she lived in a big city. However, after estimating that of the hundreds of thousands of people in her city, only about six of them would meet her specifications, she turned to internet dating. She was not successful. So she did some more math. She set up a points system to figure out how to better filter her results. She got no results. It turned out that the ideal guy she was looking for was not looking for her non-ideal profile. So she did some more research. She figured out a few key elements to profile-creation, and became one of the most sought-after women on her dating site. Then she found true love. It was a pretty interesting story. I'm still not trying internet dating (at least not yet).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqKafI7Amd8
This guy is a show-off. He is a computer hacker, so his showing off is sort of cool, but he's a bit annoying to watch. But if you want to see mosquitoes hunted with lasers, this is the place to go (as well as hotel TV's hacked, credit cards cracked, and people tracked (oh man, that all rhymed so perfectly!)).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MgBikgcWnY
This guy says that you can learn a new skill in twenty hours. He taught himself the ukulele to prove it. It's not a great talk. You probably shouldn't watch it. Just take my word for it, and if you have a skill you want to become decent at, maybe give it a once-over in case there are any tips you can apply.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5wfMNNr3ak
This doctor says the key to eating healthy is to eat a lot of starch. He makes some interesting observations of Asian people. Maybe he's right? It's certainly possible. I was interested enough that I didn't turn it off right away. Potatoes and rice are the way of the future. Who knew?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqpjap8rewo
While we're on the topic of eating healthy, this man made an athletic career out of eating better than his opponents. The goal was to speed up recovery through a good diet, and through a series of trial and error processes he came to the conclusion that plant-based diets are the best ones. He initially came down on the side of starch, but starch requires a significant energy investment to process. So he focused more on food "efficiency." He switched from starch to fruit, amaranth, quinoa, buckwheat and wild rice, because they are seeds rather than grain, and so are more efficient. His calorie intake dropped by 20% and found he was less hungry because he was fulfilling his body's requirements.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMAwnA5WvLc
I don't know if you're as afraid of dying as I am, but this guy is doing some interesting research into how to stop (and reverse) aging. It's sort of cool. Mostly, I'm just trying to find a way to be less scared. I'm staking my hopes on you, crazy-looking-beard-guy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSz5BjExs9o
This is about the 11 dimensions that theoretically exist in the universe. I'm going to watch this video over and over again until I actually understand it. I sort of missed the boat when we discussed this in physics in high school. He intros with flatland, which is a great short story everyone should read if they haven't. A copy is online here: http://www.geom.uiuc.edu/~banchoff/Flatland/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RENk9PK06AQ
This guy used math to write "music" that is patternless. This is different than random. It is carefully planned to have no musical qualities whatsoever. The music starts at 7:40, and the stuff before it is the background story (math mostly, with a bit of sonar-motivation thrown in). I didn't find it unpleasant to listen to, but I'll let you make up your own mind about that.
My mom asked me what a hipster was a while ago. So as I've forayed into the wild realms of the internet, I have recorded my encounters with the topic. Of course, as usual, the most effective way to figure out what a hipster is would be to google/wikipedia it, but I'll use it to introduce these two videos, which I found to be pretty awesome:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYA8cSQB_rA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAMM-pZLXyQ
This poem, on the other hand, has very little explanation, so it must make up for it by being more than a bit humorous!
Best line: He mounts her...indifferently!
Poetry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lViEIq0Ne8A
I really liked the part where when he's talking about being dishonest, he says:
Stripped gears lying smoothly, pretending that our teeth still fit
(or something to that effect)
Also, he's performing this video in Northfield, Minnesota!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysVlscQtUXE
This poem is just a placeholder for Andrea Gibson's poetry in general. She's got great lines all over the place, and gets in these awesome rhyming sections, but she isn't afraid to move in and out of rhyme schemes as it suits her in the same poem. I don't really like the vibrato in her voice. It feels affected, as though she thinks it will add emotion. But the poem is already emotional enough! A video with better audio of the same poem is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoY0ukxLtms but I liked the intro she had in that one, so I put it first.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4jbCgMqSew
You'd think I was a lesbian or something with these last two selections, huh? This one is cute. I can't think of a better term. It's just nice to hear a poem that's so obvious with its intention, so, I don't know, pure? Is that the word? I'd use the word innocent, but I know some people assign that different meaning than I do. So maybe the word is unpresuming.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0okLJv_4wY
So either all the poems in this related-link-train I'm on are sexual or only poems that are about sex are catching my eye, or (and this might be the most likely) people write about sex in more original, more honest, and more interesting ways than they write about other topics. And, yet again, this one's by a homosexual. I guess the gays are just better at poetry... Also, he's hilarious. And whew! When the poem transitions it really turns a corner! I don't know if I like that abruptness, but it sure was memorable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJeSo1JEwJs
So if you assume that she wrote this to be funny (with a side of indignation) rather than to be indignant with a side of humor, it's actually really funny. If you assume she's a hyper-feminist crazy person, then it gets a bit too "in your face." I interpreted it to be humor first. So I think it's hilarious.
Other stuff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89-SerAttxE
This guy put an engine on his kayak. He still steers with his paddle. It's pretty crazy looking. You have to watch some Top Gear to see it, and it's only shown in brief snippets (because this is a car show, after all), but since I know Piper, I couldn't not pass this along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rbVQNTzCh8
This guy's main point is that if we want to focus on our creativity, we have to become boring in many other aspects of our lives. I've already employed some of these things. I eat boring things. I buy the same groceries every two weeks, for instance. Well, except for this week. Segue time (you get the point of this video anyway, right?)! I was going to go to Target anyway to buy a cable for my phone (before I knew they were $20), so I took along my Cub Foods coupons and went shopping there instead of Aldi. And I figured since I was there, and it was a pretty rare occasion, I'd branch out a bit. So I bought the things I had coupons for, and not much else. But I had a coupon for waffles. And frozen pizza! So I'm living crazy as of now. I have chocolate chip and blueberry waffles (two separate packages, though I eat them in sandwiches of one of each because the combination is so good), and I bought some summer sausage (I was feeling nostalgic, and it reminds me of eating at my Grandma's house). And I had a coupon for pepperjack cheese. Basically, life is good. Except I didn't buy milk or eggs because those are still cheaper at Aldi. So I still need to go shopping. Also, my peanut butter coupon didn't register, so I wound up buying that at full price (giving rise to the line about losing $2 at the self-checkout in my little free-write). Plus, fruit is more expensive there, so I only bought oranges (they were the least different in price).
What the hell!?
David linked to this on Facebook. Don't watch it if you don't like really random bloody violence. It's actually just insane. It's supposedly a commercial to get kids to stay in school. What I can't quite figure out is how romanticizing the concept of skipping school and then blowing people to bits really accomplishes. Weird...
So, until my charger gets here, don't expect me to text you back. I will have my iPad with me at all times, so I'll be able to email whenever. Well, assuming the internet is working at my apartment, which seems to be a bigger and bigger assumption these days. My laptop also has a (pretty terrible) camera and microphone, so I could skype or google video call if email were unacceptable.
Thanks for reading!
PS: Update: I didn't actually buy the case after all. I found a lot of more than one cable for my phone that had a bunch of good reviews, so I bought that for $5 instead. Hopefully it gets here soon!
Also, I added an update to "secrets" found "here." It's not much, but I said I'd alert you if I edited my past posts, so there you go.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYA8cSQB_rA
This is a bit explanatory, and also a bit humorous. Also, why wouldn't I link to another Charlie video?
This poem, on the other hand, has very little explanation, so it must make up for it by being more than a bit humorous!
Best line: He mounts her...indifferently!
Poetry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lViEIq0Ne8A
I really liked the part where when he's talking about being dishonest, he says:
Stripped gears lying smoothly, pretending that our teeth still fit
(or something to that effect)
Also, he's performing this video in Northfield, Minnesota!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysVlscQtUXE
This poem is just a placeholder for Andrea Gibson's poetry in general. She's got great lines all over the place, and gets in these awesome rhyming sections, but she isn't afraid to move in and out of rhyme schemes as it suits her in the same poem. I don't really like the vibrato in her voice. It feels affected, as though she thinks it will add emotion. But the poem is already emotional enough! A video with better audio of the same poem is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoY0ukxLtms but I liked the intro she had in that one, so I put it first.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4jbCgMqSew
You'd think I was a lesbian or something with these last two selections, huh? This one is cute. I can't think of a better term. It's just nice to hear a poem that's so obvious with its intention, so, I don't know, pure? Is that the word? I'd use the word innocent, but I know some people assign that different meaning than I do. So maybe the word is unpresuming.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0okLJv_4wY
So either all the poems in this related-link-train I'm on are sexual or only poems that are about sex are catching my eye, or (and this might be the most likely) people write about sex in more original, more honest, and more interesting ways than they write about other topics. And, yet again, this one's by a homosexual. I guess the gays are just better at poetry... Also, he's hilarious. And whew! When the poem transitions it really turns a corner! I don't know if I like that abruptness, but it sure was memorable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJeSo1JEwJs
So if you assume that she wrote this to be funny (with a side of indignation) rather than to be indignant with a side of humor, it's actually really funny. If you assume she's a hyper-feminist crazy person, then it gets a bit too "in your face." I interpreted it to be humor first. So I think it's hilarious.
Other stuff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89-SerAttxE
This guy put an engine on his kayak. He still steers with his paddle. It's pretty crazy looking. You have to watch some Top Gear to see it, and it's only shown in brief snippets (because this is a car show, after all), but since I know Piper, I couldn't not pass this along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rbVQNTzCh8
This guy's main point is that if we want to focus on our creativity, we have to become boring in many other aspects of our lives. I've already employed some of these things. I eat boring things. I buy the same groceries every two weeks, for instance. Well, except for this week. Segue time (you get the point of this video anyway, right?)! I was going to go to Target anyway to buy a cable for my phone (before I knew they were $20), so I took along my Cub Foods coupons and went shopping there instead of Aldi. And I figured since I was there, and it was a pretty rare occasion, I'd branch out a bit. So I bought the things I had coupons for, and not much else. But I had a coupon for waffles. And frozen pizza! So I'm living crazy as of now. I have chocolate chip and blueberry waffles (two separate packages, though I eat them in sandwiches of one of each because the combination is so good), and I bought some summer sausage (I was feeling nostalgic, and it reminds me of eating at my Grandma's house). And I had a coupon for pepperjack cheese. Basically, life is good. Except I didn't buy milk or eggs because those are still cheaper at Aldi. So I still need to go shopping. Also, my peanut butter coupon didn't register, so I wound up buying that at full price (giving rise to the line about losing $2 at the self-checkout in my little free-write). Plus, fruit is more expensive there, so I only bought oranges (they were the least different in price).
What the hell!?
David linked to this on Facebook. Don't watch it if you don't like really random bloody violence. It's actually just insane. It's supposedly a commercial to get kids to stay in school. What I can't quite figure out is how romanticizing the concept of skipping school and then blowing people to bits really accomplishes. Weird...
So, until my charger gets here, don't expect me to text you back. I will have my iPad with me at all times, so I'll be able to email whenever. Well, assuming the internet is working at my apartment, which seems to be a bigger and bigger assumption these days. My laptop also has a (pretty terrible) camera and microphone, so I could skype or google video call if email were unacceptable.
Thanks for reading!
PS: Update: I didn't actually buy the case after all. I found a lot of more than one cable for my phone that had a bunch of good reviews, so I bought that for $5 instead. Hopefully it gets here soon!
Also, I added an update to "secrets" found "here." It's not much, but I said I'd alert you if I edited my past posts, so there you go.
January 31, 2014
(actually a part of the previous post)
Just to preface this, it feels weird doing this here, because I know that if I were in her position (and if I were reading my ex's blog), I would interpret all of this stuff as stuff meant for her to read and constructed as such. You'll just have to take my word for it that this is not that. This is for me. Another attempt to clarify what I'm feeling on the topic record the thoughts I've been having. As it relates to the last post, this is me getting my "secrets" out into the open so I can deal with them, either through dialogue or the process of getting them out of my head. Like it or not, this girl (woman? it sucks that there's no easy term that sounds right; I think the closest is "lady" but that still has a connotation of "ladies and gentlemen" like it's formal or something) still occupies my thoughts pretty regularly. I'm doing pretty well about it recently. I don't really feel that sad anymore. I have regrets, sure, but the abiding sense of loss, of clinging to the memories I know are overly-simplified or idealized has faded. Which I'm also not sure is great, but I'll get to that.
When I was talking to Sarah S about relationship stuff, we talked about a bunch of things, but a couple of items really stuck after the conversation ended. The first is that I shouldn't have gotten back together with Rebecca after she cheated on me the second time. Yes, this is likely a gut reaction of "I should have ended things on my terms rather than experience what wound up being painful," but there's more to it than that.
More specifically, when talking about my attitude toward her after she cheated, I realized that what led to problems down the road is I took her mistake as license to take as long as I wanted to get over it. I thought this was reasonable. I'm still not sure it was unreasonable. But I obviously remember things pretty well for a long time after they happen, so the process was not short. And I thought my "willingness" to put in that work made me a great boyfriend, even though what actually happened was that I made it impossible to actually move past the problem. I don't like moving past things. I like solving them, coming to terms with them, or at the very least, eliminating the possibility of their re-occurrence. And when it's a major event, it (obviously, as evidenced by this post) takes longer for me to wrap my head around. The fact that it was the second time she cheated on me made it impossible for me to write off as an isolated occurrence, and rather than drag both of us through the process of me figuring stuff out, I should have done the easy thing and ended it.
This didn't happen, obviously, and because I had never resolved the core problem, anything extra that I became frustrated with seemed even more burdensome. On the one hand, this probably sounds like an excuse I'm making just to avoid taking responsibility for my reactions and shift the blame; on the other hand, I'm sure it was obvious that I was bothered by her cheating for a long time. Her desire to go to the bars with her friends, for example, was made even more bothersome because I still didn't quite trust her. Not only was it something I couldn't relate to because I didn't have a desire to join in, it was also something I couldn't understand because I figured bars were places people went to meet girls. Even if she wasn't going to meet guys, it was obvious that guys were going to hit on her, and she had "fell for" that before...
I know she was probably going to the bars to have fun with her friends because I wasn't that much fun to be around. That makes sense. I had obviously changed. I will try to explain. Again, this will probably come across as making excuses. I felt, not only that I had the right to change, but also that I should change. Obviously the person I was wasn't good enough. That person had gotten cheated on. So I changed, but in the obviously-wrong way. I became less attached. I figured it might hurt less if it happened again. On some level I'm sure I was hoping that if I didn't seem that committed, it might make her work even harder to make me happy.
See, here's the thing: I knew things would go back to normal eventually. I had absolute faith that as long as we "stuck it out" we were good together and would be happy again. I knew my "getting over it" process was going to be a long one. I'd read plenty of books that talked about people struggling through counseling for years to get over this sort of thing. I had this idea that it was supposed to be hard. I don't know what her conception of it was. I know that between me bringing it up all the time and her own feeling of guilt, it probably seemed like she had gone through enough "penance." She certainly had. But it's not like I was constructing some test. It wasn't "If you can tolerate me bringing it up and feeling insecure about it for "x number of years" you win the prize and we can go back to being normal. I was processing it in the only ways I knew how, which (and this may be weird) was to bring it up a lot in an effort to acclimate myself to the new fact.
(Sidebar: I do this with everything I consider to be a major change in a relationship I have with someone. For the first few weeks after Sarah Schreitmueller starts dating someone (not that this happens that frequently or something), I constantly bring up her boyfriend. I ask her what her boyfriend thinks of her hanging out with me, not to make her feel uncomfortable or make it seem like it's an issue he should be worried about, but to reestablish that something how I think about her has changed. If anyone tells me something about me that bothers them, I am guaranteed to bring it up the next few times (every single time) I do whatever that is. I will start prefacing my actions "I know this bothers you, but..." It will annoy the crap out of them. But I'm doing it as much to remind myself that something has changed or needs to change as anything else. It's my way of reminding myself, and it's probably the worst way ever, because it by its very nature reminds them too.)
So the next problem that happened stemmed from the fact that once we were back together, I didn't feel appreciated. I still felt entitled. I felt like I was always going to have the status of "being the bigger man" by agreeing to be in a relationship again. I don't think I was ever the person who took much initiative in planning for us, but what little enthusiasm I had was nowhere to be found. I assumed that if I was the person who was doing the hard thing (deigning to go out with someone who was unfaithful), I was absolved of putting further effort in. This was only a small facet of my (at the very least perceived) laziness. (It was also easy to be happy when I didn't have to work, I did basically what I wanted, and was generally content cuddling and watching TV shows.)
I knew my process of getting over her cheating would change things, but like I said, I took the long view. The "in a few years, we will be able to be happy, and in the meantime, this is better than being apart from each other." Obviously, she disagreed with that last bit. So because I wasn't putting work in (other than sitting around trying to come to terms with it), and she felt like we were drifting apart and that I was constantly judging her, things got worse rather than better. And you know what? There's a cliche about that, so I figured all was as it should be. Things are supposed to get worse before they get better, or that phrase wouldn't exist. So I didn't take that as a sign to reexamine or make any drastic changes. I just kept trying to "tough it out."
I still wonder what would have happened if we tried to really work through things (like with a counselor or something). I doubt it would have ended well. I'm pretty argumentative, after all, and I doubt that setting would really change anything. I know the times we tried to talk about it on our own it usually degenerated pretty quickly into one of two situations: Either we would be talking past each other as I was stubbornly convinced of a point I was trying to make and kept reframing it in a slightly different context until she agreed (though I'm sure her "assent" was never genuine, since it was more the result of bludgeoning than persuasion), or she would get sad and I would try to cheer her up (either by backpedaling slightly on my view (while somehow still trying to get my point across), or by dropping it and hugging her). That was a pretty big thing looking back at it. It happened a lot where she would do something that frustrated me, I would express the frustration, and before the frustration was even resolved, I would be trying to console her. So she would be feeling miserable, and I would be in this weird state of half-sorry, half still-frustrated. This even happened in Toronto when she was talking about breaking up with me. So what happened was, she aired the idea, I got offended, defensive, and upset, and then, because she was crying already, I set those things aside and hugged her and tried to be nice. It happened all the time, and it was terrible for actually getting to the bottom of anything. But I couldn't make myself ignore how miserable she was feeling (or acknowledge it and press on, or whatever the "correct" reaction is), and she certainly couldn't help feeling miserable, so many of our discussions amounted to nothing.
What it boiled down to was this: I wanted an unlimited amount of time to come to terms with her cheating on me. I figured nothing I was doing was as bad as what she had done, so I got a "free pass." This was obviously the wrong mentality. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I guess that's why people get paid a lot of money for counseling couples. "Working through it" seemed like an exercise in futility, and after a while, it took on an air of "well, I guess it's stupid to bring this up yet again." I'm sure it felt that way to her after the millionth time. The fact that I was still bothered seemed to mean less and less as it became a "yeah, yeah, I get it, I cheated on you" sort of reaction (that's an oversimplification, in case you were wondering). So things got worse before they got better, and then things ended because they got worse. My "taking the long view" might have been wrong. I don't know. I knew I was ready to spend years (the rest of my life) trying to make it work. So that's my secret, I guess: I am (also) to blame for what happened. I think I've been trying to figure out how for a long time. Because I see myself as "perfect" in a lot of ways, this took longer to realize than it should have. And for all I know, this was obvious to the people around us. But it's good to get it out there. I was confused for so long because I knew there was probably something I could have done differently, but because I place such an emphasis on having a justification for my decisions, I couldn't separate myself from those decisions long enough to really think about it.
Don't worry, I'm not done.
Recently, it's been way easier to look back on this stuff without the stomach-wrenching (or at least, the same degree of turmoil) I used to experience. This scares me. See, I know I dealt with my last breakup by over-rationalizing things. I immediately started resenting Hiwot because I figured if what I was doing wasn't good enough, then something was wrong with her. I mean, I tried really hard to be a good boyfriend, and she still didn't laugh at my jokes. So obviously it was her fault, and I almost-immediately started resenting that fact.
I realized I was starting to resent Rebecca. It wasn't a conscious process; I just realized in the gym one day that I was starting to feel angry instead of sad when I thought about her. I was mad that she had deprived both of us of what was supposed to turn out to be a happy life together. This obviously relates back to the last section in that I still had this idea that once we worked through thins, it would get better. (I was so convinced! I hate that. I hate that I was clinging to something so hard that she was able to set aside. It makes me feel like I had misplaced my effort/desires/love.)
My sister and I talked about this for a bit over winter break. Not, like, super in-detail or anything. I feel really, really awkward talking to her about it. But I value her opinion because she knows both of us so well, that I figure anything she says has some weight behind it. Unfortunately, she always comes across as defending Rebecca. This is probably one of the reasons I don't feel close to her anymore. But we were talking, and I obviously expressed my frustration with the fact that I still didn't quite know why things ended. She said something to the effect of "cheating is an indication of the relationship being over" in the cheater's mind. Obviously I couldn't figure out why we had gotten back together, then, but that's not really the point. The first time it happened, she also defended Rebecca's "right to move on" (for lack of a better term). I still wonder rather frequently why she seems to have this abiding opinion that I wasn't good enough for Rebecca. It might be that she feels the need to defend her when she isn't there to defend herself, but nonetheless, there's a pattern of 1) things got rocky 2) Rebecca expressed doubts/problems (or cheated on me) 3) my sister immediately justified/defended/encouraged those doubts/problems/actions. I don't think I've ever heard her actually say "Rebecca was wrong to cheat on you."
What this condenses down into is that I felt better looking back at my relationship with Rebecca, and that scared me because I knew that on some level it meant I was beginning to justify feeling callous. I know I deal with things this way all the time. It's the epitome of confirmation bias. As soon as a decision is made for you, you start coming up with reasons why that was the way it should have been. I've spent SO LONG trying not to think that. I still don't want to think that. I still want to think that it could have worked, that we could have made it work. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the good times we had, the times where it seemed like we would be together forever. I was willing to go through years of struggling trying to get that back, because Rebecca was the first person I'd been initially attracted to, reciprocated, and had that turn into a really special relationship. I wasn't ready to let it go, and it scares me to think that confirmation bias is stripping it from me. Yeah, time heals all wounds. It's probably better that (it seems) I'm going to wind up resenting her. But I don't want to. I don't want there to be that tiny kernel of hate at the core of me that enables me to move on. I wish the process were cleaner, somehow. It doesn't seem like it is, or that it can be. So I guess I'll let time do its thing.
I have to go to class. I'm not sure whether this is done or not. I'll reread it once I get back, but I'm tired of it not being posted.
Thanks for reading!
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