Bragging

Well, it's Sunday again, and it snuck up on me without me having done any writing again, so I guess I'll get to that right after this post. I just wanted to make sure I got this post up before I forgot all the really cool things I did that I need to brag about. Because isn't that why people have blogs anyway? Gotta feed the ego.

So... I wrote a 15 page legal brief this week. I wasn't really sure what sort of standard to judge it by, but then I read some of my classmates' and it turns out I did a pretty good job. I think we all did it pretty close to the night before, so there are typos all over the place (at least in the ones I read, not sure about mine, since I suck at catching my own mistakes (egotistical)).

Then, since I hadn't slept, I took a nap before my simulated mediation conference for my Law in Practice class. Aaaannnd I nailed it. It was pretty awesome. My client said my partner and I made him feel the most confident and secure out of any of the people he had worked with, that we seemed to know what we were doing, and did a great job explaining all of the stuff we needed to take into consideration when negotiating a settlement. We were successful in getting our client to his bottom-line price and justifying our reasons for getting him there. It was a great experience because it really emphasized how you need to be able to condense the law and reasoning into some basic points for your client to understand, and still be able to talk on the appropriate level to the mediator/opposition without your client getting lost. It was pretty fun, and I didn't even hate working with other, real, live human beings! Success!

Friday was the start of the Minnesota state doubles championships. After not having fun playing in the open division with my previous partners, I enlisted my dad. I figured if anyone would be able to tolerate me not letting them hit the ball, it would be the guy who managed to not kill me for the first 20+ years of my life. And sure enough, we are both alive today. So really, the success story starts there. But also, we made it to the finals! Which was pretty awesome.

Now, I don't want to belittle my dad, but the strategy was basically that I played one against two for the entire tournament. This started off a bit shakily, and we were down by a sizable margin in our very first game (against opponents who weren't that good). We mounted a spectacular comeback to win 21-18 (or 19) after being behind 18-10 or something. We did better in the second game, but we had a second match Friday due to our low seed. So we played the three seed and dropped the first game. We won the match in a tiebreaker, and I was pretty thrilled to have made the semifinals. We were playing the second seed, two decent open-level guys. Well, they enter the open division in tournaments around here, anyway. They aren't the guys who would win an open tournament with a lot of entrants, but they are both probably top 15 in the state. I got on a hot streak and we stole the first game 21-4. The second game was more of a battle, and were behind for most of it before tying it at 15-15. We were up 20-17 and dropped four points in a row to go to another tiebreaker. We took care of business and made the finals. At that point I was really feeling the tiredness set in, but I will attempt to avoid making excuses. Andy and his dad both served really well, and we got beat pretty badly. But hey, we got second in the state! So that's pretty nifty.

I just finished watching through the footage of the tournament, and I really need to work on getting my whole torso through my left handed shot. I set up pretty well, but because I'm so focused on making contact I forget to swing with my whole body and I wind up not quite committing through the whole motion. I also have a tendency to jump into my shots on that side instead of staying down. That's either because of bad footwork or lack of confidence. So I have some more things to work on.

My mom jumped into the court a couple of times and she's already looking like a handball player! It is sort of like when I jumped into tennis from scratch: no bad habits. And she's very coach-able, so hopefully she doesn't develop too many quirks before I see her again.

It feels a bit weird writing this stuff after the fact, because my main audience already knows all this stuff. My parents were there, and I talked (bragged) to Sarah S today already, so that only leaves a couple of people that I know even read this. But if I'm ever looking back at these entries, I suppose I'll want to know that I was feeling pretty positive about things (at least for a while).

We went out to eat on Saturday night at an Ethiopian restaurant. The first girl I dated was Ethiopian, and people would always come up to her (people neither of us knew) and ask her if she was Ethiopian. My reaction was always how can you tell? Is there some secret Ethiopian marking I am unaware of? Keep in mind that I had met approximately three Ethiopians at this point in my life. So when I walked into this restaurant I was like it all makes sense now! It was a bit weird eating dinner surrounded by ex-girlfriends, but hey, the food was amazing. And as a nice little bonus, we even knew how to eat it because we had eaten over at my ex's house before.

I then convinced my parents that, despite being quite full, we should get ice cream. Which was both a huge mistake and a huge success. I'll let you fill in the details yourself.

When I got back and could finally deal with the pain in my belly (stomach the pain, if you will...), I fell right asleep. At like 8:00 or something. So naturally, I woke up at 3:00 ready to start my day. I've been up ever since, though the first few hours were spend wondering if I'd ever be able to move again. Of course, I did have intramural frisbee playoffs to attend, so I biked over to that. We were undefeated in the regular season, so we had a bye in the first round. Our second-round team only had four people show up, so they forfeited. They asked if we would like to play a bit anyway, so I joined their team and we played five on five. We went up 3-0 and were winning when we called it quits so my real team could play in the finals. We went up 7-2 at half and it wasn't really a difficult game. We played pretty tight, and I completed all but two of my throws, so I felt pretty good. I also caught the disc over some people, which is always great for the self-confidence. I then biked home, though at that point it wasn't so much biking as pedal-boating. The forecast had said a high of 27 degrees or something, but I think it hit almost 40 (according to a facebook status I glimpsed). A few of the "puddles" I biked through were more than six inches deep.

I then watched the coverage of a magic tournament in the background while reviewing my video from the weekend. I took some screenshots. (I took a lot of screenshots.) Here are the highlights:

I chose a sequence of me up close to show my hitting motion in detail. I think it's kinda crazy how far my elbow bends. The second picture you can't even tell I have a hand...

amputee playing handball

it grew back!

Here's another sequence where I misjudged where the ball was going. So I'm running toward the wall...

I totally know where it's going

Oh crap, no I don't

course adjustment

diving lunge

got it!

I was totally the right person to be taking this shot...

Just doing what I do

At this point I started noticing how every one of my diving pictures looks the same if you find the right frame

Dad doing work!

Turns out having a partner can come in handy

Outta my way; I got this

Nice and close to the camera

between the legs

yet another picture that looks just like the others

gettin' my closeup

I'm going to write a bit for fun/casually now. Then I have some homework. But it was another great weekend with my parents, and satisfying overall.

Thanks for reading!

Aaarrrggh

I have not been writing. This was the week I had in mind when I said that I might not be able to write consistently, play handball, and focus on law school. I have my most important writing assignment due this week, I have playoffs for league tomorrow, and I am secondary attorney for a negotiation simulation on the same day my brief is due. So while I have things to say, I am afraid I will be moving on to more boring pastures.

I am looking forward to this weekend though. The teams signed up for the doubles tournament this weekend all look like they will be fun to play against, and I think we have a real shot (assuming the Netts are, in fact, beatable).

I miss you.

That applies to pretty much everyone. I've been feeling a bit more lonely as of late.

Thanks for reading!

No segues here

Well, I have a lot that I would normally say, but I don't really feel like saying it. I guess it's time for another list:

I went to Nationals. I streamed my matches in rather poor quality. I played okay. Not great, but I'm not mad or sad or anything.

I had a great time with the people I went with. Even the stupid people were amusing most of the time. And I had some really funny conversations.

I was told I was the one who made the whole trip worth it (due to my comic relief) by multiple people. That felt good.

It took a lot of effort to be that person for five days straight. To wake up with a joke on my lips. To make one last wisecrack about how I was going to cuddle with a man before going to sleep. But it was funny, and fun, and I'm glad it happened.

I was enthusiastic about things just for the sake of being enthusiastic, which is something I haven't done in a really long time. I think that's one of the things I miss about the frisbee crowd (and that whole period in my life). I could just take a stance and stake my claim to something. This trip it was ice cream. I became the guy who loves ice cream. And yeah, the ice cream was freakin' delicious. But I'm not really that guy. It was really fun to be that guy, though.

I wouldn't have lasted another day. As the plane was landing I sort of switched off and didn't say anything the rest of the night. Maybe that was just because I didn't want to be home. But I was tired of being cheerful, also.

Our ladies made three out of five possible finals appearances. Granted, I have no idea how they finished in relation to their initial seeding, but it was great to have so many people playing on Sunday. They even took runner-up in Division II for their gender. Which is impressive considering they only had four people and up to six can score.

It was nice to just be reabsorbed today by my classmates. I didn't talk to anyone, just nodded and smiled.

Because when I can't sleep, I depress myself further, here is a video I watched recently:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB7xs7UpIfY

Here's a poem I laughed at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2j3ZPE65xE

And here is another poem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnsTD8KAqCs

I didn't love the ending, but hey, pretty good anyway.
(I hate people who snap their fingers at poem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJgiYBdD2VA
This was interesting in that it was philosophical, but rejects the idea that our fascination with objects, and consumerism in general is "commodification" or "fetishization" but rather proposes that it relates to how we strive to show love. It was refreshing after being told for years of philosophy class that our growing fascination with technology and consumerism is the most terrible thing in the world. As with anything, I'm sure there's a tenable middle ground, but this guy was likeable enough that it was worth reading the subtitles (it's in French).

It was awesome to have my dad at my handball tournament! And it was beyond generous for him to treat us all to a dinner of Mellow Mushroom pizza.

One of my teammates, Drew, was chatting up a girl in the Irish hotel room and she said she was applying to law school. She got in at Washington, and said she thought about applying to Minnesota. My buddy, the consummate wingman, directed her attention my way. We chatted. She opened by inquiring my LSAT. I told her. She told Drew I was a genius. She said she thought her 3.5 GPA might have helped her out. She did a double take when I took the opening to brag some more. Hearing I was in the open bracket in the tournament pretty much pushed things over the top. When Drew mentioned my scholarship, it was hard to imagine a more perfect script. Drew wound up with a lady of his own by the end of the night. I passed on the opportunity. It was weird, because I feel lonely, so I was expecting to have to, at a minimum, overcome a bit of temptation. But it never manifested, even slightly.

I didn't do any writing on my trip. I wasn't really planning on writing, but I feel a bit guilty now. Or I feel like I should feel guilty? So maybe I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty. That's a thing, right?

Because my league team went undefeated, we have a bye this week. My shoulder is still a bit sore from the tournament, so I'm not sure what I should do. Should I hit the courts and try and get my game better, or hit the hay and try and get my shoulder better, or hit the books and try and get my schoolwork under control?

I am watching video of handball to try and figure out how to adjust my game. Martin overpowered me a bit, so I don't know whether to try and match that with more power or switch to a defensive game. I often feel like the longer a game goes the better I get, but I'm not sure that holds at the highest level.

When a male security guard goes around the library to check ID's he does it alone. When this lady just asked for mine, she had a guy right behind her. He didn't do anything. I feel like there's something weird with that. Either trust a female security guard to ask for ID's alone (because what good is she going to be if there's a security threat if she can't even do that), or just have the guy do it, because it's pointless to have them both there.

On Sunday Martin (the top seed I lost to) told me I was playing well, had decent power, and not to get discouraged by the score. He said anyone can go on runs like that, gave a nice little anecdote of how it had happened to him, and finished by saying I should go to more tournaments. He's a stand-up guy. I am impressed.

I'm headed home to the land of questionable internet. Thanks for reading!

Quick post

So I've actually been writing a little bit on my own, and sure enough, I stopped posting here. There's only so many words per night in these hands, it seems. Or only so much time in a day, or only so much attention span in my brain, or...

And this isn't a real post either, because I have to pack for my trip, do my laundry (not in that order), cut my hair, write an outline for a paper, and remember some of the many things I'm going to forget all before tomorrow at 5:00 am. So I'm going to go do that. Sorry I haven't been putting much on here. Not a lot has been happening. I've started playing a bit of magic with some folks from the law school, which is likely a terrible idea for all concerned. I am playing intramural frisbee indoors, which is a blast. And the rest of my free time is pretty much devoted to handball. So I'm going to North Carolina to see how I stack up against the rest of the nation, or at least the college kids. I'm sure I'll feel old. The not drinking probably won't help matters, since I've heard it turns into quite the party. Maybe I'll be able to make myself useful and DD.

Oh, here's something cool!

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/repesch35

I'll try to stream all my matches to ustream. Anyone who clicks on that link should (I hope!) be able to see me when I go live. I'll post to facebook when I go live also, I guess, since the app on my phone keeps pestering me to do that. Hopefully you'll see me there!

If my phone seems to be doing okay on battery, I'll even try and stream some of the other people's matches. Sounds like a good time for everyone. But now, I really do have to get to that stuff. First up: laundry.

Thanks for reading (and maybe even watching)!

Post post post post post post...

Hi there! My internet is working again!

First off, I have written five pages but I don't like what I've written/it isn't organized at all. So while it's technically five pages, all I really like are a couple of poems. And it's getting late, so I plan on editing/expanding on it tomorrow during my six hours of downtime between morning class and evening class.

A development has occurred. I have met another version of myself. Here are some similarities I have with Ian:
We both play Magic: the Gathering.
We both read the Dark Tower series recently (I had a half-hour animated freak out session about this).
We both watch starcraft videos and don't actually play starcraft.
We both watch the same starcraft video people.
We both have attempted to watch League of Legends (another video game) and couldn't get into it.
We both majored in philosophy.
We both had a second concentration in English. (He majored in it while I minored in it.
We both have identical LSAT scores (I know writing both and identical is redundant, but I wanted to stay repetitive)
We both dislike Adrian Sullivan. (A figure in the Magic: the Gathering world who deserves to be hated.)
We both like the modern format of Magic the best.
We both are incredibly sarcastic, deadpan, and quick-witted.
We both refuse alcohol.

Differences:
He has a summer internship already set up.
I play sports.
He does his reading.
I play sports.
I had a slightly higher undergrad GPA.
He is way nicer and more outgoing than I am.
He is hilarious in class.
He is from Michigan.
That's all I've got.

We talked for like four hours today, and it got to the point where it was a little weird how similar we were. He concentrated in a different area of philosophy than I did, and I basically don't remember philosophy classes anymore (whereas he finished writing his thesis less than a year ago). But yeah, pretty cool.

I got more free food today. I also played more handball yesterday and today. Yesterday really reinforced the idea that I'm not missing out that much by missing club time. It's likely that the times I'm missing (Thursdays) have a higher caliber of player, since it's not a league night, but I never let a person (or team) get to double digits on me yesterday. Or today for that matter. Today was cool because I was using the new ball that we'll use for the tournament. I played a game of doubles with John, a game with Kara, and two games with Joe (my partner). The scores were 21-8, 21-4, 21-9, 21-6 (or 7 or something) respectively. So it turns out it doesn't really matter who my partner is against those guys (Dane and Nick). Draws for this weekend are posted. It seems I will be in for some hard-fought handball. I wish they had seeded us better than fourth so we didn't have to play the people we are playing, but it's all just pointless complaining, really.

I'm starting to get excited for North Carolina. It feels like it's coming right up!

I forgot I had a class that conflicted with the jugglers yesterday, so no updates there.

Here are some things I had written in a draft of a post to tide you over, since this isn't that long:

I subscribed to this YouTube channel. So when you see their videos popping up here with regularity, you don't have to wonder why. There are some duds (for me), sure, but there's a good ratio of stuff I actually like. Worth it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leE4_k9zxEI
I liked this because... well, because I thought it was good. There's not much more to say. It felt like a short story, but in poem form. Which I think really helped her be direct and abrasive. The thing about this style I don't like is how I can hear the audience's reaction. It throws me out of the listening experience sometimes. Even when I agree, it's like, "come on guys, keep it down, I'm trying to listen here."

http://gizmodo.com/can-sochi-get-its-shit-together-1514828222/@Tom_Ley

The olympic village looks to be a crazy disaster. I'm sure most people have heard about this, but I certainly hadn't (in my isolated bubble, willfully ignorant of the news).

My sister emailed me. I responded at length. Probably too much length. I don't think I was mean. I've been wrong about that before.

So yeah, I'll write more here tomorrow, and I'll get up the decent parts of my free writing. But I have an early class, and I want to read a bit before I fall asleep. Thanks for reading!

PS: I just remember I lied. I let a doubles team get to double digits yesterday. Alex and I went down 3-12 before winning 21-14.

Post postscript post post

I had to title it that. I'm sure you understand.

I realized that during my break highlights I never mentioned the run I went for with David. Which was stupid of me, since that was definitely one of my highlights. It is actually perfect that he took up running, because as we've stopped seeing each other (ever), it has become harder and harder to actually talk with him. The problem is that what we've usually done is play video games, but while playing video games, very little conversation occurs that is outside the realm of video games. This wasn't a problem when we saw each other all the time, because eventually we would either grow tired of video games, we would need to eat, or something would happen that eventually led to us talking about other stuff. But when we only see each other once or twice, the conversation part doesn't really happen. Until recently, when I went on a run. We run slower when we talk, but it's still a decent workout. We just work harder at a slower pace because of the talking. So we are still multitasking, but we actually get to the whole point of being friends, which is awesome. Of course, it still takes us forever to get around to actually saying anything (both because we are boys, and because we don't see each other much), but hey, it's a definite improvement.

I received an email with the following text in it:

This morning, a student exhibiting troubling behavior in a Law School classroom was removed and transported by University Police for crisis assistance. There were no direct physical threats or weapons involved. The Law School is working closely with University officials to ensure that the Law School remains a safe learning environment.

Doesn't exactly inspire confidence, huh? Also, another student has dropped out of our section. I guess things are taking their toll on some.

I enjoyed my corporations class today. My professor is interesting, opinionated, and pretty funny. The material is dry, so reading for class is a pain, but the actual class time itself is good. He has a ton of anecdotes. Hopefully it continues in a similar manner. Of course, I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to have been learning this far, but that will probably sort itself out.

Today we learned that corporations are a great way of limiting liability. They stop a claimant from being able to go after your personal wealth. All they can sue you for in your corporate capacity is your worth in the company. This can be contracted around (banks can make you sign for things personally, etc.), but it can never be gotten around by a tort claim (as long as you keep yourself sufficiently separate from your corporation). So if I run someone over with a company car doing company business, they can only recover what I'm worth in the company. So if I've invested $500 in the company, but I have a million dollars, they only get to recover $500. Their lawyer will obviously try to show I wasn't actually on company business or that I haven't kept myself separate from the company in a meaningful way (this occurs all the time when people start a company for themselves; they file as a corporation, but they mingle bank accounts and expenses, they don't keep official yearly meeting minutes about elections, they don't re-file promptly, etc. and then the lawyer can show the "corporation" is really just the person anyway, and can get at his assets). I'm also still liable for criminal charges (might still go to prison, for example). But my money is likely safe. So as an alternative to insurance, just incorporate yourself! Weird, huh?

In other news, I did this to myself:


You might want some back story. So I had this weird bump on my arm about two weeks ago. I squeezed it, and sure enough, it popped. Some puss came out, and I thought that was the end of that. This isn't that uncommon. Usually it occurs when a hair follicle gets infected or something. Then it swelled up again, and I popped it again. And a third time. And a fourth time (over the course of a few days). Eventually, after ten days, it hadn't completely disappeared. It hadn't gotten any worse, either, so I wasn't like, worried about it or anything. But I did what any rational person would do and poked it with a safety pin to try and drain it for good. I poked it, squeezed it, and a bit of stuff came out. I could feel the swelling in a bit more than the area I poked, so I put the pin back in the same hole and advanced it in the direction of the rest of the swelling. This never hurt, which surprised me. So I kept pushing, out of a sort of morbid curiosity. Before I knew it, the whole pin was in there. I must have found the exact right angle of entry or something, because to move it at all hurt quite a bit, but getting it in there didn't. Also, when I tried from a different hole (my curiosity was in full swing), it hurt and I stopped immediately. So that was really weird. And now the swelling has disappeared completely. I'm pretty proud of myself, I must say.

I wrote a poem a little while ago. I figured I'd share it with the rest of you. Sarah S sent me a poem, and the first couple lines made me think of my own version, so this is a bit of a riff/take on that first bit of hers. Which is also why the style doesn't look quite like something I'd typically write.

I didn't title it.

So I heard you
shouldn't
stare too long into
the sun
so I stared
into your eyes
instead,

I should have
known better,
should have chosen
to have my eyes
seared
once and
be done with it

better that than
tempted
time and again

blinded so gradually
that, finally sightless,
I still think I can see

the faint outlines of love
shining bright as ever,
the lines I memorized
in your irises
radiate from the blackness
a reassurance
that isn't real

better to be blind
and know it
basking in my
blaze of glory

better anything
than being told I'm blind
and wondering
for how long.

I forgot to set my next deadline for writing. I think I should have time tonight and tomorrow, but let's set five more pages due by Wednesday. I'll try and make it at least a couple times a week, but school might start picking up here soon, and I would hate to make promises I can't keep. I've started a couple things since last time, but I don't really like them. I might try rhyming something also. I don't know. I will always have five pages due by Sunday, though. That seems like a pretty minimal output, but I've got a life. Sort of. If you count blogging. But there are some new developments that might further cut into my time! I'll get to those. Calm down...

I had made the decision to go a week without listening to music. I spend a lot of my time with headphones in, both because it stops me from having to talk to people, and because I like being distracted from what I consider to be the "worthless" parts of life. But I think it's those parts that actually might give me the time and quiet I need to have something to write about. And now that it seems I will be going without my phone altogether, the not listening to music thing at least is a sure bet. So because you guys didn't know anything about this intention, it looks pretty silly in retrospect. I only made it one day without my headphones before my phone died!

I got the tracking info for the cables in my inbox today. I don't think I've ever had a package I care more about getting here promptly. I don't know whether that's pathetic or what. I mean, on the one hand, I don't usually order things that I'm that excited about. But on the other hand, this is really showing how dependent I am on my phone.

I got two doughnuts from the cafe today. Then two muffins. Then a bagel. So I have breakfast waiting for me in the morning, which is a good feeling. Reassuring, you know? No preparation required. Just get up, and there's a delicious raspberry muffin with my name on it. Excellent. I ate the doughnuts right away. Then I went and rowed until I could taste them again. Blrgh. I think the most important thing about rowing was finding the right form. I can row pretty steadily at the same pace as ever, even though I haven't been doing it regularly. Also, it's astonishing how many people sit down next to me and have no freaking clue what they are supposed to be doing. One guy who sat down next to me today started off with a spasmodic stroke that involved the cable going above shoulder height somehow. I resumed rowing, and he at least started trying to imitate what I was doing, but he still looked pretty hopeless. Then as I was leaving, I saw an older guy sit down, and it was obvious he had done this plenty of times before. But he still didn't lean back to finish his stroke. When he hit the end of his legs pushing, he hunched forward instead of getting the last bit of power out of his body. I felt both superior and guilty. But who am I to say something? I've never actually rowed a boat before.

Today was even more special than usual because this pretty cute blonde girl and her friend came over and (of course) had the worst form imaginable. They didn't even get to the end of their legs pushing out before they were letting the cable pull them back in. I have no idea what they thought they were doing. But the more interesting thing was their conversation. I don't know whether people have gotten so used to everyone wearing headphones in a gym that they feel they won't be heard or (way more likely) they just didn't care who heard, but they were talking about their night out drinking, their sexual encounters, their friend's sexual encounters, and even at one point the fact that the blonde girl had smoked weed with her dad over break. It was a bit depressing, because it really solidified the idea that most people really do partake in at least some aspect of that lifestyle. The fact that they never gave me a second thought just contributed to my feeling of alienation.

On my way into the gym, as I was walking past the free use studios (usually filled with dancers/fitness classes/martial arts people), I saw some people juggling. I glanced at them and continued on my way. Then I went back and watched a bit. Then I went and worked out. On my way out, there was just one guy left working on some deft little three-ball motions. And I went in and talked to him! You know, like I never do ever? So now I know there is a group of people who meet every Monday and Tuesday (this semester) from 2:00 to 4:00. I plan on joining them tomorrow until 4:00, when I'll get on with my handball stuff. How about that! I might actually get to pass some clubs (assuming I can remember how the patterns and everything work). If it goes well, I might ask my dad to bring up some of my stuff when he comes.

Also, there is growing interest in my section in Magic: the Gathering. Some people went to a prerelease this weekend (I didn't, because I don't want to spend money on cards I know I won't use), and they've started talking about getting together regularly. I might become part of a bunch of social groups. This is weird.

Also on the topic of Magic: the Gathering: a bunch of really, really good counterfeits have been found recently. So, much to my chagrin, I may have been exaggerating when I said my cards would always hold their value. Now I'm wondering if I need to take steps to combat this development (either selling out, or trading for cards that are harder to counterfeit). Not what I want to be thinking about right now. Maybe I'll try and make an informed decision when the Minneapolis Grand Prix rolls around in a couple of months. Here's the article if anyone is curious: http://www.starcitygames.com/article/27693_Counterfeit-Cards.html

I don't know how much I put on here about my credit card struggles, but a while ago I returned a $200 textbook and it never showed up on my card. I then had a fun process of trying to make it appear on my card. Well, it seems it has finally sorted itself out. I still have $18 of credit left over after buying some external hard drives for various folks, but I'm glad I got most of that out of the hands of Capital One. I've also gotten my full thousand dollars out of my Magic scholarships from my high school days. I'm running out of random revenue sources!

Man, after all the personal stuff I wrote not long ago, these posts start to seem a bit too bland. Where's the controversy!? Where's the stuff I wonder if it will offend people? Well, for now I can't actually think of anything that qualifies as an update to those posts. I have a hint of something I've been trying to pin down, but I haven't had the willpower to really dig it out of my brain yet, so I guess stay tuned or something.

Five more pages of writing due by Wednesday night.

Thanks for reading!

Postscript post

So if you haven't noticed, I didn't get anything uploaded last night. My internet went out at my apartment as I was looking for a replacement charging cable for my phone on eBay, and I hadn't finished five pages yet, so I hadn't uploaded anything. There's something up now though! Under "Free write #1 on my short story blog: http://scantstories.blogspot.com/ I just started writing, didn't have a clue where even the next sentence was coming from, and sort of didn't connect things at all yet. So either it's the start of a longer piece or it isn't really going anywhere. Either way, it was fun to write!

So because I don't have internet at my apartment right now, I'm at the library computer lab. I hate these keyboards now that I'm used to the flat keys of my laptop. One of the things I plan on buying as soon as I have money is a mechanical keyboard with "brown switches." There are different switch types for different uses/preferences, and while I haven't ever gotten the chance to try the different kinds, I've read a lot about them and I think that's the safest bet for the kind I'd like. Not that there's anything wrong with my laptop. This keyboard just reminded me of the fact that I've researched a lot of pretty obscure things.

Speaking of, here's the story of how I convinced myself to spend $60 instead of $6:
So my phone's charging cable stopped working. This is a problem for me. I use my phone for everything. I went to Target to buy a replacement cable, only to see that they were $20. I turned around and left. If I were going to spend $20 on a cable, I might as well just put that money toward a phone case that took a mini-usb cable (which I already have) and not have to worry about my battery running out in the future either! So I went home and looked around online for a better deal. Sure enough, there are tons of cables on eBay for around $3-$5. Wary, I looked up some reviews. Almost universally they said not to get the knock-off cables, as they might stop working unexpectedly, might prompt your phone with an error message, and might just be DOA. So I looked around for certified cables. There are a ton on eBay that say they are certified, but do I believe them? Not really... So rather than spend the $6 on a knockoff, I would be spending $20, but rather than get ripped off like that, I'll just buy a case that I don't really need so I feel like I'm not getting ripped off... Yeah, I'm not sure I quite understand it either. I'll consider it a birthday present to myself or something. The important thing is the peace of mind, right? Yeah, I know I'm grasping at straws. But back to the post!

I said in my last post (the last real one that wasn't some subsection (or subsection of a subsection)) that I had a ton more youtube videos that didn't quite fit in line with the whole "searching for motivation/inspiration/meaning in life" theme. So without further ado:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wG_sAdP0U
This lady did some math. She wanted a Jewish husband with a bunch of other specific qualities, and she lived in a big city. However, after estimating that of the hundreds of thousands of people in her city, only about six of them would meet her specifications, she turned to internet dating. She was not successful. So she did some more math. She set up a points system to figure out how to better filter her results. She got no results. It turned out that the ideal guy she was looking for was not looking for her non-ideal profile. So she did some more research. She figured out a few key elements to profile-creation, and became one of the most sought-after women on her dating site. Then she found true love. It was a pretty interesting story. I'm still not trying internet dating (at least not yet).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqKafI7Amd8
This guy is a show-off. He is a computer hacker, so his showing off is sort of cool, but he's a bit annoying to watch. But if you want to see mosquitoes hunted with lasers, this is the place to go (as well as hotel TV's hacked, credit cards cracked, and people tracked (oh man, that all rhymed so perfectly!)).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MgBikgcWnY
This guy says that you can learn a new skill in twenty hours. He taught himself the ukulele to prove it. It's not a great talk. You probably shouldn't watch it. Just take my word for it, and if you have a skill you want to become decent at, maybe give it a once-over in case there are any tips you can apply.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5wfMNNr3ak
This doctor says the key to eating healthy is to eat a lot of starch. He makes some interesting observations of Asian people. Maybe he's right? It's certainly possible. I was interested enough that I didn't turn it off right away. Potatoes and rice are the way of the future. Who knew?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqpjap8rewo
While we're on the topic of eating healthy, this man made an athletic career out of eating better than his opponents. The goal was to speed up recovery through a good diet, and through a series of trial and error processes he came to the conclusion that plant-based diets are the best ones. He initially came down on the side of starch, but starch requires a significant energy investment to process. So he focused more on food "efficiency." He switched from starch to fruit, amaranth, quinoa, buckwheat and wild rice, because they are seeds rather than grain, and so are more efficient. His calorie intake dropped by 20% and found he was less hungry because he was fulfilling his body's requirements.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMAwnA5WvLc
I don't know if you're as afraid of dying as I am, but this guy is doing some interesting research into how to stop (and reverse) aging. It's sort of cool. Mostly, I'm just trying to find a way to be less scared. I'm staking my hopes on you, crazy-looking-beard-guy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSz5BjExs9o
This is about the 11 dimensions that theoretically exist in the universe. I'm going to watch this video over and over again until I actually understand it. I sort of missed the boat when we discussed this in physics in high school. He intros with flatland, which is a great short story everyone should read if they haven't. A copy is online here: http://www.geom.uiuc.edu/~banchoff/Flatland/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RENk9PK06AQ
This guy used math to write "music" that is patternless. This is different than random. It is carefully planned to have no musical qualities whatsoever. The music starts at 7:40, and the stuff before it is the background story (math mostly, with a bit of sonar-motivation thrown in). I didn't find it unpleasant to listen to, but I'll let you make up your own mind about that.

My mom asked me what a hipster was a while ago. So as I've forayed into the wild realms of the internet, I have recorded my encounters with the topic. Of course, as usual, the most effective way to figure out what a hipster is would be to google/wikipedia it, but I'll use it to introduce these two videos, which I found to be pretty awesome:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYA8cSQB_rA

This is a bit explanatory, and also a bit humorous. Also, why wouldn't I link to another Charlie video?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAMM-pZLXyQ
This poem, on the other hand, has very little explanation, so it must make up for it by being more than a bit humorous!
Best line: He mounts her...indifferently!

Poetry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lViEIq0Ne8A
I really liked the part where when he's talking about being dishonest, he says:
Stripped gears lying smoothly, pretending that our teeth still fit
(or something to that effect)
Also, he's performing this video in Northfield, Minnesota!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysVlscQtUXE
This poem is just a placeholder for Andrea Gibson's poetry in general. She's got great lines all over the place, and gets in these awesome rhyming sections, but she isn't afraid to move in and out of rhyme schemes as it suits her in the same poem. I don't really like the vibrato in her voice. It feels affected, as though she thinks it will add emotion. But the poem is already emotional enough! A video with better audio of the same poem is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoY0ukxLtms but I liked the intro she had in that one, so I put it first.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4jbCgMqSew
You'd think I was a lesbian or something with these last two selections, huh? This one is cute. I can't think of a better term. It's just nice to hear a poem that's so obvious with its intention, so, I don't know, pure? Is that the word? I'd use the word innocent, but I know some people assign that different meaning than I do. So maybe the word is unpresuming.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0okLJv_4wY
So either all the poems in this related-link-train I'm on are sexual or only poems that are about sex are catching my eye, or (and this might be the most likely) people write about sex in more original, more honest, and more interesting ways than they write about other topics. And, yet again, this one's by a homosexual. I guess the gays are just better at poetry... Also, he's hilarious. And whew! When the poem transitions it really turns a corner! I don't know if I like that abruptness, but it sure was memorable.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJeSo1JEwJs
So if you assume that she wrote this to be funny (with a side of indignation) rather than to be indignant with a side of humor, it's actually really funny. If you assume she's a hyper-feminist crazy person, then it gets a bit too "in your face." I interpreted it to be humor first. So I think it's hilarious.

Other stuff:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89-SerAttxE
This guy put an engine on his kayak. He still steers with his paddle. It's pretty crazy looking. You have to watch some Top Gear to see it, and it's only shown in brief snippets (because this is a car show, after all), but since I know Piper, I couldn't not pass this along.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rbVQNTzCh8
This guy's main point is that if we want to focus on our creativity, we have to become boring in many other aspects of our lives. I've already employed some of these things. I eat boring things. I buy the same groceries every two weeks, for instance. Well, except for this week. Segue time (you get the point of this video anyway, right?)! I was going to go to Target anyway to buy a cable for my phone (before I knew they were $20), so I took along my Cub Foods coupons and went shopping there instead of Aldi. And I figured since I was there, and it was a pretty rare occasion, I'd branch out a bit. So I bought the things I had coupons for, and not much else. But I had a coupon for waffles. And frozen pizza! So I'm living crazy as of now. I have chocolate chip and blueberry waffles (two separate packages, though I eat them in sandwiches of one of each because the combination is so good), and I bought some summer sausage (I was feeling nostalgic, and it reminds me of eating at my Grandma's house). And I had a coupon for pepperjack cheese. Basically, life is good. Except I didn't buy milk or eggs because those are still cheaper at Aldi. So I still need to go shopping. Also, my peanut butter coupon didn't register, so I wound up buying that at full price (giving rise to the line about losing $2 at the self-checkout in my little free-write). Plus, fruit is more expensive there, so I only bought oranges (they were the least different in price).

What the hell!?
David linked to this on Facebook. Don't watch it if you don't like really random bloody violence. It's actually just insane. It's supposedly a commercial to get kids to stay in school. What I can't quite figure out is how romanticizing the concept of skipping school and then blowing people to bits really accomplishes. Weird...

So, until my charger gets here, don't expect me to text you back. I will have my iPad with me at all times, so I'll be able to email whenever. Well, assuming the internet is working at my apartment, which seems to be a bigger and bigger assumption these days. My laptop also has a (pretty terrible) camera and microphone, so I could skype or google video call if email were unacceptable.

Thanks for reading!

PS: Update: I didn't actually buy the case after all. I found a lot of more than one cable for my phone that had a bunch of good reviews, so I bought that for $5 instead. Hopefully it gets here soon!

Also, I added an update to "secrets" found "here." It's not much, but I said I'd alert you if I edited my past posts, so there you go.

(actually a part of the previous post)

Just to preface this, it feels weird doing this here, because I know that if I were in her position (and if I were reading my ex's blog), I would interpret all of this stuff as stuff meant for her to read and constructed as such. You'll just have to take my word for it that this is not that. This is for me. Another attempt to clarify what I'm feeling on the topic record the thoughts I've been having. As it relates to the last post, this is me getting my "secrets" out into the open so I can deal with them, either through dialogue or the process of getting them out of my head. Like it or not, this girl (woman? it sucks that there's no easy term that sounds right; I think the closest is "lady" but that still has a connotation of "ladies and gentlemen" like it's formal or something) still occupies my thoughts pretty regularly. I'm doing pretty well about it recently. I don't really feel that sad anymore. I have regrets, sure, but the abiding sense of loss, of clinging to the memories I know are overly-simplified or idealized has faded. Which I'm also not sure is great, but I'll get to that.

When I was talking to Sarah S about relationship stuff, we talked about a bunch of things, but a couple of items really stuck after the conversation ended. The first is that I shouldn't have gotten back together with Rebecca after she cheated on me the second time. Yes, this is likely a gut reaction of "I should have ended things on my terms rather than experience what wound up being painful," but there's more to it than that. 

More specifically, when talking about my attitude toward her after she cheated, I realized that what led to problems down the road is I took her mistake as license to take as long as I wanted to get over it. I thought this was reasonable. I'm still not sure it was unreasonable. But I obviously remember things pretty well for a long time after they happen, so the process was not short. And I thought my "willingness" to put in that work made me a great boyfriend, even though what actually happened was that I made it impossible to actually move past the problem. I don't like moving past things. I like solving them, coming to terms with them, or at the very least, eliminating the possibility of their re-occurrence. And when it's a major event, it (obviously, as evidenced by this post) takes longer for me to wrap my head around. The fact that it was the second time she cheated on me made it impossible for me to write off as an isolated occurrence, and rather than drag both of us through the process of me figuring stuff out, I should have done the easy thing and ended it.

This didn't happen, obviously, and because I had never resolved the core problem, anything extra that I became frustrated with seemed even more burdensome. On the one hand, this probably sounds like an excuse I'm making just to avoid taking responsibility for my reactions and shift the blame; on the other hand, I'm sure it was obvious that I was bothered by her cheating for a long time. Her desire to go to the bars with her friends, for example, was made even more bothersome because I still didn't quite trust her. Not only was it something I couldn't relate to because I didn't have a desire to join in, it was also something I couldn't understand because I figured bars were places people went to meet girls. Even if she wasn't going to meet guys, it was obvious that guys were going to hit on her, and she had "fell for" that before...

I know she was probably going to the bars to have fun with her friends because I wasn't that much fun to be around. That makes sense. I had obviously changed. I will try to explain. Again, this will probably come across as making excuses. I felt, not only that I had the right to change, but also that I should change. Obviously the person I was wasn't good enough. That person had gotten cheated on. So I changed, but in the obviously-wrong way. I became less attached. I figured it might hurt less if it happened again. On some level I'm sure I was hoping that if I didn't seem that committed, it might make her work even harder to make me happy.

See, here's the thing: I knew things would go back to normal eventually. I had absolute faith that as long as we "stuck it out" we were good together and would be happy again. I knew my "getting over it" process was going to be a long one. I'd read plenty of books that talked about people struggling through counseling for years to get over this sort of thing. I had this idea that it was supposed to be hard. I don't know what her conception of it was. I know that between me bringing it up all the time and her own feeling of guilt, it probably seemed like she had gone through enough "penance." She certainly had. But it's not like I was constructing some test. It wasn't "If you can tolerate me bringing it up and feeling insecure about it for "x number of years" you win the prize and we can go back to being normal. I was processing it in the only ways I knew how, which (and this may be weird) was to bring it up a lot in an effort to acclimate myself to the new fact.

(Sidebar: I do this with everything I consider to be a major change in a relationship I have with someone. For the first few weeks after Sarah Schreitmueller starts dating someone (not that this happens that frequently or something), I constantly bring up her boyfriend. I ask her what her boyfriend thinks of her hanging out with me, not to make her feel uncomfortable or make it seem like it's an issue he should be worried about, but to reestablish that something how I think about her has changed. If anyone tells me something about me that bothers them, I am guaranteed to bring it up the next few times (every single time) I do whatever that is. I will start prefacing my actions "I know this bothers you, but..." It will annoy the crap out of them. But I'm doing it as much to remind myself that something has changed or needs to change as anything else. It's my way of reminding myself, and it's probably the worst way ever, because it by its very nature reminds them too.)

So the next problem that happened stemmed from the fact that once we were back together, I didn't feel appreciated. I still felt entitled. I felt like I was always going to have the status of "being the bigger man" by agreeing to be in a relationship again. I don't think I was ever the person who took much initiative in planning for us, but what little enthusiasm I had was nowhere to be found. I assumed that if I was the person who was doing the hard thing (deigning to go out with someone who was unfaithful), I was absolved of putting further effort in. This was only a small facet of my (at the very least perceived) laziness. (It was also easy to be happy when I didn't have to work, I did basically what I wanted, and was generally content cuddling and watching TV shows.)

I knew my process of getting over her cheating would change things, but like I said, I took the long view. The "in a few years, we will be able to be happy, and in the meantime, this is better than being apart from each other." Obviously, she disagreed with that last bit. So because I wasn't putting work in (other than sitting around trying to come to terms with it), and she felt like we were drifting apart and that I was constantly judging her, things got worse rather than better. And you know what? There's a cliche about that, so I figured all was as it should be. Things are supposed to get worse before they get better, or that phrase wouldn't exist. So I didn't take that as a sign to reexamine or make any drastic changes. I just kept trying to "tough it out."

I still wonder what would have happened if we tried to really work through things (like with a counselor or something). I doubt it would have ended well. I'm pretty argumentative, after all, and I doubt that setting would really change anything. I know the times we tried to talk about it on our own it usually degenerated pretty quickly into one of two situations: Either we would be talking past each other as I was stubbornly convinced of a point I was trying to make and kept reframing it in a slightly different context until she agreed (though I'm sure her "assent" was never genuine, since it was more the result of bludgeoning than persuasion), or she would get sad and I would try to cheer her up (either by backpedaling slightly on my view (while somehow still trying to get my point across), or by dropping it and hugging her). That was a pretty big thing looking back at it. It happened a lot where she would do something that frustrated me, I would express the frustration, and before the frustration was even resolved, I would be trying to console her. So she would be feeling miserable, and I would be in this weird state of half-sorry, half still-frustrated. This even happened in Toronto when she was talking about breaking up with me. So what happened was, she aired the idea, I got offended, defensive, and upset, and then, because she was crying already, I set those things aside and hugged her and tried to be nice. It happened all the time, and it was terrible for actually getting to the bottom of anything. But I couldn't make myself ignore how miserable she was feeling (or acknowledge it and press on, or whatever the "correct" reaction is), and she certainly couldn't help feeling miserable, so many of our discussions amounted to nothing.

What it boiled down to was this: I wanted an unlimited amount of time to come to terms with her cheating on me. I figured nothing I was doing was as bad as what she had done, so I got a "free pass." This was obviously the wrong mentality. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I guess that's why people get paid a lot of money for counseling couples. "Working through it" seemed like an exercise in futility, and after a while, it took on an air of "well, I guess it's stupid to bring this up yet again." I'm sure it felt that way to her after the millionth time. The fact that I was still bothered seemed to mean less and less as it became a "yeah, yeah, I get it, I cheated on you" sort of reaction (that's an oversimplification, in case you were wondering). So things got worse before they got better, and then things ended because they got worse. My "taking the long view" might have been wrong. I don't know. I knew I was ready to spend years (the rest of my life) trying to make it work. So that's my secret, I guess: I am (also) to blame for what happened. I think I've been trying to figure out how for a long time. Because I see myself as "perfect" in a lot of ways, this took longer to realize than it should have. And for all I know, this was obvious to the people around us. But it's good to get it out there. I was confused for so long because I knew there was probably something I could have done differently, but because I place such an emphasis on having a justification for my decisions, I couldn't separate myself from those decisions long enough to really think about it.

Don't worry, I'm not done.

Recently, it's been way easier to look back on this stuff without the stomach-wrenching (or at least, the same degree of turmoil) I used to experience. This scares me. See, I know I dealt with my last breakup by over-rationalizing things. I immediately started resenting Hiwot because I figured if what I was doing wasn't good enough, then something was wrong with her. I mean, I tried really hard to be a good boyfriend, and she still didn't laugh at my jokes. So obviously it was her fault, and I almost-immediately started resenting that fact.

I realized I was starting to resent Rebecca. It wasn't a conscious process; I just realized in the gym one day that I was starting to feel angry instead of sad when I thought about her. I was mad that she had deprived both of us of what was supposed to turn out to be a happy life together. This obviously relates back to the last section in that I still had this idea that once we worked through thins, it would get better. (I was so convinced! I hate that. I hate that I was clinging to something so hard that she was able to set aside. It makes me feel like I had misplaced my effort/desires/love.) 

My sister and I talked about this for a bit over winter break. Not, like, super in-detail or anything. I feel really, really awkward talking to her about it. But I value her opinion because she knows both of us so well, that I figure anything she says has some weight behind it. Unfortunately, she always comes across as defending Rebecca. This is probably one of the reasons I don't feel close to her anymore. But we were talking, and I obviously expressed my frustration with the fact that I still didn't quite know why things ended. She said something to the effect of "cheating is an indication of the relationship being over" in the cheater's mind. Obviously I couldn't figure out why we had gotten back together, then, but that's not really the point. The first time it happened, she also defended Rebecca's "right to move on" (for lack of a better term). I still wonder rather frequently why she seems to have this abiding opinion that I wasn't good enough for Rebecca. It might be that she feels the need to defend her when she isn't there to defend herself, but nonetheless, there's a pattern of 1) things got rocky 2) Rebecca expressed doubts/problems (or cheated on me) 3) my sister immediately justified/defended/encouraged those doubts/problems/actions. I don't think I've ever heard her actually say "Rebecca was wrong to cheat on you."

What this condenses down into is that I felt better looking back at my relationship with Rebecca, and that scared me because I knew that on some level it meant I was beginning to justify feeling callous. I know I deal with things this way all the time. It's the epitome of confirmation bias. As soon as a decision is made for you, you start coming up with reasons why that was the way it should have been. I've spent SO LONG trying not to think that. I still don't want to think that. I still want to think that it could have worked, that we could have made it work. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the good times we had, the times where it seemed like we would be together forever. I was willing to go through years of struggling trying to get that back, because Rebecca was the first person I'd been initially attracted to, reciprocated, and had that turn into a really special relationship. I wasn't ready to let it go, and it scares me to think that confirmation bias is stripping it from me. Yeah, time heals all wounds. It's probably better that (it seems) I'm going to wind up resenting her. But I don't want to. I don't want there to be that tiny kernel of hate at the core of me that enables me to move on. I wish the process were cleaner, somehow. It doesn't seem like it is, or that it can be. So I guess I'll let time do its thing.

I have to go to class. I'm not sure whether this is done or not. I'll reread it once I get back, but I'm tired of it not being posted.

Thanks for reading!

(Secrets: actually part of the previous post)

So in the spirit of not procrastinating, "just doing it," putting myself out there, etc. here are what I consider to be my "secrets." I still don't quite know what these are supposed to be. Are they just things I don't tell people? There are a lot of things I don't tell people that I wouldn't care that much if they knew. I have no problem talking about most things if I know someone wants to hear them. Just to reiterate, my goal in writing this is to unburden myself of things that occupy my mind. It will probably seem like I'm writing this to offend people, and no doubt there are plenty of things for people to be offended about. It might also seem like I'm writing it as a way to get attention. In a way that's obviously true. The video that triggered this was about a man who realized he was racist, so he moved into a black neighborhood and told his neighbors he was racist. This is me telling the people to whom my secrets are relevant. If it starts a dialogue, so much the better. I think a major part of the man's process was talking about his problem further, confronting it with the help of the people around him. I don't really know if all my secrets have solutions. I don't really know what to include. So let's start a list and see what comes out:

I believe I am superior to everyone. When introduced to a new person, I immediately begin analyzing ways in which I am better than them. If I don't have a better GPA, I assign more importance to being athletic, more responsible, more anything. (Sometimes things have to go into the hypothetical realm really quickly... oh yeah, well I bet you're worse at juggling, rubik's cubes, and Magic: the Gathering than I am) And then I decide I am "better." It's not like I'm stupid enough to think that I'm unbiased. I'm also not writing this to make myself seem "self-aware" or whatever. It's just true. I know it, and I don't tell people, so now it's out there. If I know you, I think I'm better than you. I'm sorry. I admit this may not be true, but it's what I believe deep down.

I am capable of rationalizing anything. I frequently doubt which comes first, my decision to do something, or my reason for doing it. I hold myself to the standard of "have a reason for everything you do." But when my brain is capable of finding a justification (and a convincing one) for any action, it's almost a nominal standard. So with that in mind, it should come as no surprise that I am sure I'm capable of killing someone. I watched some interviews of serial killers (Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer) and the way they talk about their actions without remorse reminds me of me. It's simple. It's just "I wanted to, so I did." Ted Bundy tries to blame his on watching violent pornography, but by all accounts that's just him trying for a weird tactic. This applies to silly things too, of course. I can rationalize wearing shorts all year round. I can rationalize my decision to wear jeans this week. It's true that I will have a reason at the ready for any question about an action I took intentionally. The motivation may just be that I thought it would be enjoyable, but I'll be able to follow that up with reasons too.

I don't know how far to take this. Should I share everything I know people don't know? Should I share the things that only concern one person, or should I just talk to that one person? I mean, I'm all for sharing, but the boundaries of what constitute a secret that's holding me back are a bit vague.
Other secrets:

Love:
A. My Sister (might as well start things off with a bang)
1) I think I don't "love" my sister. I texted her I loved her just this morning, which is why this is on my mind. I don't know how to describe this either. I don't feel vested in her at all. I know we have a connection as siblings. I value the experiences we shared. I admire her in a lot of ways. I just don't feel "love" in the way I conceptualize it. I have no doubt that what I feel fits the definition of love in the dictionary, fits most people's definition of love, even, but I still felt awkward texting her. I thanked her for the birthday wishes and hit send. Then I sent a follow-up text with "I love you too, of course." Heinlein (and a bunch of other people) uses the three definitions of love separately. Philos (friend), eros (physical) agape (total). I have philos love for my sister; of that I'm sure. And I don't even have that for many people, so it's not like she's not spe(s)c(h)ial. I just don't normally say it to those people. So when I texted it and questioned it, I figured it was a secret.

B. On the other hand, I can say I love my mom and not question it at all. That being said, there was a period of my life where I doubted this, and would have said without question that I loved my sister.
When I think about my mom very specific things come to mind. None of them are positive. One of the videos I watched recently on my search for self-actualization crap said we feel a loss twice as much as we feel a gain. I think it must be true, especially if memory is any gauge. 1) I remember a car ride where she threatened to put me on medication. I think we were on Duff Avenue, maybe near Lincoln Way. We might have been stopped by a train? I was pretty young. It's one of my earlier memories. 2) I remember giving her the middle finger to her back because we had just yelled at each other and it seemed like the right thing to do (according to movies, the situation, I don't know), and feeling really weird while doing it. Not only was it not satisfying in the slightest, one of her softball teammates saw me do it and I got hit for the first time in a long time. I think that might have been the last time, too, actually. 3) I remember her saying she was afraid that I might/could kill her. The thing about that wasn't how ridiculous it was, it was how disconcerting it was that she might be seeing/knowing me for the "evil" I really was. (I have never wanted to kill my mom. I have wondered if I would feel anything if I killed someone, though. So in a sense, it was ridiculous, since I knew I would never do that, but at the same time...) 4) Around that time I remember her calling the police on me because I was disobedient. One of the most offensive things I clearly remember my reaction to was her saying she needed to control me. Unsurprisingly, I am not a fan of being controlled. How is it that these are the things that spring to mind when I think of my childhood and I still have a positive impression overall? I can't remember anything offhand that was amazing, I can remember all these specific times that it was awful, and I still think it was awesome. I love how I turned out as a person, I love my parents for all the work they did, and yet I really do struggle to remember the good times. Some of them come back with effort. Hiking is always a big one. Snorkeling in Hawaii, kayaking in Alaska, seeing the lights of Disney World. I technically can remember all of these things, and my god do I have a lot to draw upon when I take the time to remember it, but it's not my default. But since my mom will no doubt be worried that I am unhappy: don't.

C. I can say I love Sarah Schreitmueller with the same conviction.
She, more than anyone else at this point, has been through the most with me. However (haha, she knew that word was coming), our relationship has always been the most tumultuous. Is that how they work? The deeper the connection, the more extreme the variation? There has always been this sense of missed opportunity, but at this point we both wonder if that has always been more for nostalgia's sake than anything else. I mean, the opportunity was missed so many years ago that at this point it's not even that it's being missed. And now that it's been missed, we know too much (know better than) to ever try again. Yet we still flirt with the idea (each other) occasionally. I don't think there are secrets I keep from her. There are some I keep for her. Those aren't mine to share, even in a post about secret-sharing. I suppose there are secrets I keep about her/us from others. 1) Even after I have told myself we won't ever "be together" I get jealous of her boyfriends. I know it's illogical. I doubt it needs explanation. 2) Some part of me will always want to ignore all the very good reasons we are incompatible. I have come to terms with that, I think.

D. Kids
I am afraid of screwing one up so much that I have vowed never to have one. I can remember so many things that made (make) me unhappy that I can't will that upon anyone else. I know I am happy to be alive, but I still can't quite make the leap that it's logical for me to be happy to be alive. I have plenty of other reasons I also believe for not having kids. I give those reasons first. I don't think that the world needs more people. I don't think that I will be happy financially or schedule-wise if I have a kid. I do think that whoever I decide to marry will be enough for me, and that I want to have a relationship where our focus is mainly on each other. So I won't have kids. But other people's sure are great.

E. My dad (don't worry, these aren't in order or anything (any more than the order they spilled out of my head).
I love my dad, but I can feel it transforming all the time. It used to be a profound respect, admiration, etc. and it scares me that it's changing. Handball has really served as a sort of culmination of how it has happened. Around middle school-age, I remember coming to an abrupt realization that my dad wasn't actually "good" at sports. Of course, I was terrible, but I can still remember one occasion at Roosevelt Elementary when we were playing soccer and my perception shifted. His form was terrible. Sure, it worked just fine, and heck, he might even have beaten me (probably did if I can't remember it, right?), but his stride wasn't how it "should" look when dribbling, his windup wasn't "correct," etc. (I don't know whether I should include mitigating statements like "I value the time we spent together and I don't care that his form was bad." Of course that's true. I assume he knows that's true. He might even know his form isn't great.) Similarly, his tennis stroke is pretty bad. As I got better at things, the disparities became more and more obvious, so it makes sense that now, with handball, it has reached the most extreme. When I got to college (and maybe a bit before that), another change occurred. I used to be afraid of him being angry/upset/frustrated. But, like me, that's just how he gets sometimes. Once I realized how similar we were in that regard, it was almost impossible to take him seriously anymore. His frustration with navigating the car, the referees at a sporting event, or (seemingly) any piece of technology he came in contact with became "just another thing that dad does." I think this is partly because I know that even the moment, I am aware that the frustration, while obviously maddening, is only temporary. So I knew both that his frustration was temporary, and that he (probably) also knows that his frustration is temporary. I adopted the eye roll/shoulder shrug combo as my go-to reaction (accompanied by meaningful, humoring glances to my mom if she is present). This isn't to say that I'm not frustrated sometimes, especially when in public, but I know that I'm that way enough of the time that it all balances out. Plus, my frustration at his frustration is only temporary, right?

F. Exes
1) I'm afraid I would get back together with Rebecca if she wanted to. I am afraid at what this says about me. Actually, that's not quite accurate. I am actually quite sure I wouldn't get back together with Rebecca, since my self-esteem, arrogance, resentment, and rationality would preclude that. What I'm really afraid of is the amount of time I would spend worrying about the decision. I assume this is a byproduct of my still-confused state. This is closely related to the post I am composing to immediately follow this one, so this "secret" will just be a placeholder for that in its entirety.
2) I loved Hiwot, but I still can't quite figure out what that was. It started as philos, and then skipped to a pseudo-agape, then retreated into eros, then finished somewhere in the middle of all three. Does that even make sense? My secret in this case is that I wasn't even attracted to her until a year (or more) after we were "dating." It was the definition of "grows on you." It sucked because at the same time, I was quite attracted to her best friend, and that took no time at all. It's weird to say it started as philos, because that has a cerebral connotation. The thing that attracted me the most was how god damn nice she was. She wasn't brilliant, I didn't find her physically attractive, but after hanging out with her for a year, I loved her. Of course I was eventually physically attracted to her. This scares me because looking back, she wasn't really "my type" at all. Her emails were incredibly girly (stereotypically so) and exhibit a lack of spelling and grammar. She wasn't athletic, and didn't really try to be. And yet I loved her. So does that mean I could love anyone who was nice to me? That's disturbing? Does it mean I could love anyone at all? I hope not! But I don't know. I've dated the only two girls who have pursued me and shown a modicum of decency. (Sarah gets a pass because she never formally pursued me until after it was obvious the idea of us being together was "indecent." Mallory, a girl from my statistics class, pursued me but showed nothing that would separate her from a rock as a candidate for a relationship. We went out on a date once, even. Nothing.) Related to both Hiwot and Sarah: my relationship with Hiwot formally ended when I kissed Sarah. Things were not great before that, obviously, or it wouldn't have entered my mind. I don't think I've mentioned this to very many people. I always just say the underlying causes: we were committed to the relationship on different levels (I was actually more serious than her; she wouldn't move in with me when I asked), she thought argumentation was a problem in a relationship (it's hard to argue with that) while I wanted to hash out our differences all the time, and most of all, she stopped laughing when I made jokes and didn't react to my romantic gestures (I planned a "really elaborate" Valentine's Day (judge by broke college kid standards)). That stuff is all just rationalizing.

G. Other people
I love my grandma. I don't actually know her as a person, though, so it's a weird love (maybe between agape and philos). It's like getting married in Vegas and never finding a reason to get divorced. I made a decision without knowing all the facts, and I still don't know all the facts. I get little hints all the time, either from my mom or brief interaction, but she is still awesome. Even her quirks (the ones I know about) are endearing. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons not to love her, but in this case, I resolve to remain willfully ignorant.
The rest of my family is just that: part of my family. I'm sorry if you wanted more, but that's a lot of detail. I know my aunt and her husband read this occasionally. I don't really have any secrets concerning them. I still remember a time (at Disney World) where I made my mom unhappy and Joyce grabbed my arm (really hard, actually) and said something in the meanest tone of voice. I don't resent her for it, but it made my list of events indelibly etched in memory. From that point on, I don't think I was ever going to really "get close" with her (not that it would have happened anyway). It was the reason to get divorced after the Vegas wedding. (I really like that analogy!)

What other categories of secrets are there?

I judge people based on their appearance. Even based on their facial structure. I judge them based on their accent, on their skin color, on their posture. (I am also willing to revise this opinion.) For instance, upon first impression (a bunch of years ago), I didn't like Kurt (my sister's boyfriend). I made a bunch of incorrect assumptions that I can't even remember right now, but I readily admit now not only that I was wrong, but that he's actually a really cool guy. I don't feel like we get along that well, but objectively (and subjectively), he's awesome.
See, that just became another "secret" about a particular person. They guy in the video got off easy being a racist. I guess I'm a racist too, since I judge people on skin color? But not really, since I don't judge someone based on their skin color any more than I judge them for having missing teeth, mispronouncing words, or gesturing pretentiously. So I'm a people-ist?

I can't think of many right now. Those are the big ones, I think. Smaller ones include the fact that I do care what I look like (and as a result of my disgust of that, I overcorrect), I don't shower, I don't know anything about computers (other than how google works), and I don't care what most people think about me (but think that's weird, and then try to make them like me anyway). Actually that's sort of an interesting one. I think the most accurate way of putting it is that I don't think that people have the right to have an opinion about me, so I don't respect what they think of me, even though I do sort of care. This no doubt ties into my superiority complex. It also conflicts hilariously with my snap-judging of other people.

I look back at my philosophy papers and wonder who wrote them. It's so true that philosophy is a world reserved for the academics for academic's sake. I remember being happy in philosophy. I wonder if I would be happy there now. (That's not a secret!)

I want to be a writer. I know that on a deep, fundamental, basic, other-word-for-core, level. I don't know if that's a secret. If it is, it's as much a secret from myself as it is from anyone else. I plan on writing more about that in the post I'm interrupting by writing this. If I don't I'll come back here and edit.

Are sexual encounters secrets? I don't want them on the internet, even if they are. If you really want to know, get in touch with me, I guess? I've never been that shy about talking about sex. It just doesn't happen that much (the sex, or the talking about it...).

I am insecure. I bet you know this already.

I have written three suicide notes.

I will cheat at things if I know I can get away with it. I very rarely find justification for it, but that doesn't change the fact that I have no real barrier in my mind.

Every year around my birthday I seriously consider drinking. I've still never done it. Is that worthy of "secret" status? I came closer this year than usual. A new place, nothing to lose, and people were already meeting at a bar. I also seriously consider buying alcohol by myself and getting drunk just to see what it's like once every month or so. This is probably stupid compared to the suicide notes stuff, huh? To me, there is very little difference between the debates. Maybe that's weirder than either of them.

I really, really want to believe in God.

I judge people harshly right away if they make their religious views obvious.

I have no interest in being a lawyer. I really like school though.

I want to get in a fight. I want to know what it feels like to punch and get punched and know it's real.

Well, I made it to twenty-five with all of those issues. I don't think talking about them made them go away, but if you want further clarification about anything, you probably know how to reach me. If not, you can always comment!

If I think of more I'll post them here as a postscript. It might be interesting to see how many occur before and after the sign-off. I'll make a note in whatever entry I'm writing at the time so you know I've added another secret. I'm sure there are plenty I'm forgetting. This is just a few hours' worth.

My intention was not to offend anyone. Like I said, the point of this was in the hope of not worrying about this stuff again. Like Childish Gambino says:

This isn’t a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I’m not saying this thing is true or not, I’m just saying it’s what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it all for everybody, always. Everybody can’t turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them. But this means there isn’t a place in my life for you or someone like you. Is it sad? Sure. But it’s a sadness I chose.

So I told everybody. I'm sure I haven't told you all everything yet, but I'll work on it.

Thanks for reading!

PS: (2/2/14): (Like I mentioned, everything after this point will be an edit.) I feel awkward every time I swear. Some people (like my friend Brian Burke) swear with an ease that amazes and impresses me. His demeanor doesn't change depending on his audience, he just says "my fuckin' next door neighbor is fuckin' crazy." And then launches into his profanity-laden story. And it's awesome. I don't have that comfort. I still swear, especially around handball players, but I bet I sound unconvincing. I know I sound unconvincing to myself.